Saturday, December 27, 2014

December 27th, 2014 I'm Not Ready For This Tough Topic

December 27th, 2014 I'm Not Ready For This Tough Topic

I tried to start writing this post earlier today. I couldn't do it. I need more time to be okay enough to explore the relationship dynamics after a dramatic transformation. The demise of my last relationship is too fresh.

I do believe it's different for everyone and most of the differences have to do with personal self-image and confidence issues and sometimes these lead to an unquenchable thirst for confirmation, validation, intimacy and an over-need to feel desired...as if a constant reminder is needed to fight off all of the lifelong inner dialogues to the contrary.

When you spend the majority of your life convinced you're the most unattractive/undesirable person in any particular room, this superficial way of self-condemnation doesn't simply vanish when the pounds drop and the reflection in the mirror changes. It's tragically easy to forget all of the reasons someone might be attracted to you, things that have little to do with the superficial stuff--and everything to do with the critically important stuff.  It just takes time, I suppose, and a lot of inner work.

I still have work to do. 

I've made incredible strides with self-worth/identity and I see and feel the differences my May 15th epiphanies gifted me, all the time. I truly recognize all of the wonderful things that make me who I am--and I celebrate and nurture those things. I have an extraordinary level of love and compassion for others. It's a deeply ingrained, automatic thing for me, to care about people. (If you are new to this blog and you haven't read the May 15th and May 19th entries, please go back in the archives along the left hand sidebar and select those dates).

But still, to feel worthy of love, to believe you're okay in a relationship--to simply allow a good thing to be a good thing, is very tough. 

And if you're struggling with these issues and choosing to not discuss them, instead repressing them--then they will eventually manifest into relationship ruining issues. I've experienced it more than once.

That's more than I wanted to write about this tonight because I'm just not ready to explore the topic in depth. It is a very important topic. And I'll revisit it another time, soon. I just can't tonight.

I made a point to prepare all three of my meals today. I did some decent cooking! I found myself moping around my apartment a little too long, so I pushed myself out the door and to the YMCA for a much needed workout. I always feel so much better after a great workout.

I'm looking forward to traveling back to my hometown tomorrow with my youngest daughter and grandson. We're meeting up with my oldest daughter and her boyfriend as we all get together for one more Christmas celebration. We'll exchange gifts and visit for awhile. And we'll take plenty of pictures of the cutest little guy in the world!

My Tweets Today:
























Thank you for reading and your continued support,
Strength,
Sean

21 comments:

  1. Sean, I admire you for the small steps to approaching a subject that is extremely intimate and "exposing". I've learned that we change every day, especially those of us who are in the journey of releasing the burden of our relationship with food in an unhealthy way. There's so, so much more to becoming healthy than a meal plan, the internal dialogue and our ownership of things untrue directly affect our struggle or success with the foods. Supporting you, Friend. Leap and the net will appear :)

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    1. Jae, thank you so much for this. "Leap and the net will appear," I love this.

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  2. So sorry to hear this, Sean. My friends say I am the eternal optimist and can always find the positive in any shitty situation, so in typical fashion, "Wow! Check out those drumsticks though! They're making me drooly!" Lol ������

    2015 is not far off now and the issues you mentioned are all things that you can work on going forward. You can definitely make a plan and work towards changing your mindset in the next year. Its hard. I'm still working on it myself, but I am optimistic we can do it! Start fresh!

    In the meantime, you have two lovely daughters and a beautiful grandson who love and supoort you! Thats half the battle! You are very blessed!

    Stay well,

    Ashley

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    1. You made me smile from ear to ear... "wow, check out those drumsticks...." Thank you!
      Start fresh--yes. And good point, very blessed, indeed. Very grateful.

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    2. Did we just become best friends????

      No?

      Awkward. ;) :D

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  3. Hi,

    Take this from a woman who is pretty selective about men and who is considered attractive:

    You are actually very good looking and seem to be an incredibly decent, nice and humble human being.

    Lucky is the woman who eventually ends up in a relationship with you.

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    1. A, thank you for this. I sincerely appreciate your words. Eventually, someday... I can be patient and well. :)

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  4. I agree with Anonymous!! Your food looks excellent.

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  5. I understand how touchy this topic can be. I know I can relate because I've been there and in some ways still are there myself.however, I know that when you're ready heart and mind, to write and have the type of healing writing does, you will be able to do it.
    I'll agree with the above, lucky will be the woman that ends up in a relationship with you. Because even though your outside is great, I think your inside is even better, enjoy your visit and quality time with your daughters!

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    1. Thank you, Alati. I'll be able to do it! It's a tough topic--a difficult exploration, for sure. But worth it, I believe.

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  6. OH don't I know just what your talking about! I think you will touch base with so many people with what you just wrote. I have a ver warped sense of what I look like and how anyone could ever , ever be with me would just them the monster! Its horrible.
    But I agree with Shine and Anonymous.. on all counts of what they wrote, even about the drumsticks! And I don't like those! :)
    Enjoy your Sunday with your family and that adorable baby boy ! He will make you laugh and smile all day!
    Rosie

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    1. Rosie, your prediction of touching base with many people, came to fruition. I received several emails and other forms of contact in support and understanding. It was wonderful.
      Thank you so much, Rosie--for your support and understanding.
      I totally get what you wrote about having a warped perception. So true.

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  7. Sean, share what feels comfortable, when you feel comfortable doing it. We all bring different kinds of baggage - into adulthood, into relationships. Some have more than others - but it's truly universal. Talk with the person about it as the relationship progresses, they may grab a handle with you. :-) Acknowledging it is the first step. :-)

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    1. Neca, yeah, very true. We all have some, right? Agreed--acknowledging is a big first step. I sincerely appreciate your support. Thank you!

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  8. Hey. I wrote yo a comment and then decided it was better for an email. :} I'm letting you know in case your email is full.

    Besides that, I agree with Anonymous up there, too!

    Deb

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    1. Deb, I sincerely appreciate your email. Thank you.

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  9. this reminds me of the first time I disrobed in front of my husband. You know, after losing over 100 lbs, there's much sagging and of course, we are the most self-critical. When he said, "You're beautiful", I wanted to argue - point out the flubby parts. Instead, I said, "Thank you."

    It took a long time, but I finally do feel beautiful, both inside and out. It takes a lot of work.

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    1. It's really hard to accept those--and say, "thank you." I totally get the idea of arguing against a compliment.
      It takes time, huh? It's work, but worth it. I'm doing the work! And I'm truly blessed to have your guidance and support along the way. Thank you, Gerri!

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  10. Agreeance with every single commenter above. I mostly want to suggest to you that although you might have 'work left to do' in many areas (or just a few)...there is no burning requirement that it is all barred and shared HERE. You can grow and improve and do some of it privately, if you want. It's okay. Bloggers tend to get trapped into sharing more than they likely should. If sharing here is cathartic for you, by all means, do it. If it feels too raw, HONOR THAT, and keep it to yourself. Journal it. Share with a trusted adviser. There are many other options than blogging about that which is most raw, most sensitive to us. Even if you think it might help others, if it's too tough to share for YOU, then don't. We'll be fine. :)

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    1. Gwen--excellent advice. Thank you very much. I totally agree with you. It turned out to be a good thing for me, to share this post---the perspectives I received were good to read. Some of the most raw things--I've kept in the therapist office, or in private counsel with trusted friends.
      Thank you, Gwen. Your advice is spot on, always. I appreciate you.

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