Saturday, December 6, 2014

December 6th, 2014 I Don't Want To Play Anymore

December 6th, 2014 I Don't Want To Play Anymore

I started my day by chaperoning teenagers outside Hobby Lobby as they rang the bell for the Salvation Army. I was asked to do it and I agreed to a two hour shift. I'm glad I did, it was heartwarming to see so many people put money in the bucket, especially little kids. It was nice to smile and wish people a Merry Christmas, too. It was a fabulous way to start my Saturday.

I spent some time catching up on sleep this afternoon. It was a little bit long for a nap, but I think it was needed, so I'll be good with it.

The outpouring of support following yesterday's post was incredible. I sincerely appreciate every single comment, message and email. Thank you! It was really good for me to write that post.

I'm feeling better than I have in a very long time along this road. I have my days and moments when I get the blahs, but don't we all? When I'm fully engaged, writing and communicating, sharing thoughts and exchanging support, I am at my best.

I was asked today if I've had any relapses since going sugar free. I haven't, but without the support and accountability system I have in place, I doubt this would be the case. My reply:

"I haven't relapsed since going sugar free some time in April (I would need to go to the blog to get the actual date)--BUT---

Please remember this: My accountability measures kept me in line the first month or so--then, after experiencing the most amazing effects of being sugar free--in ways that to me, were crystal clear (no binges-no urges, even) I was firmly in possession of a perspective that views sugar like poison.

Without my accountability tools like the Twitter feed of everything I consume and the daily blog, I may not have lasted a week without relapse. It's hard!!! Especially at first!

But rest assured, there's a point up ahead, where the direct effects of sugar free become so apparent....and the positive consequences of your abstinence start surrounding--and that's the time to ask yourself, Would I give this up for a candy bar or piece of cake?

For me, the answer is more than a no. I avoid sugar like I avoid stepping off a cliff.

I know if I allow a relapse-- That side of my brain, the addiction part, will light up and be ready to "play." I don't want to play anymore."

Tonight, I treated myself to dinner out. My favorite little Mexican place knows me so well, they can recite my order before I say it... "No rice, no beans, no cheese, no pico, no guacamole--just fajita chicken, no onions, no peppers--lettuce, yes? And sour cream? And corn taco shells instead of flour tortillas?" You got it. I am very predictable! I go in with a strategic calorie plan and I stick with the plan. I leave very satisfied and confident in my choices. They even give me a nice discount! I suppose it's because I'm saving them money by saving me calories.

I gave myself three options for a workout tonight: Running stairs at the studio, doing a 5K in the park or doing strength training/body weight exercises, including PiYo, at home. I chose the home workout. It was a decent workout, even though I lost my balance and fell over in my floor at one point, creating a ceiling shaking experience for the nice lady who lives in the apartment below. She's in her early 80's and is the sweetest neighbor of them all. I wasn't hurt, just sorry I disturbed her!

This home workout wasn't as intense as a good cardio workout, but I could tell, it was working me. My arms are sore from doing counter push-ups after the PiYo. I really get into the proper form on these. The further I put my feet back, the greater the weight and workout. I keep my elbows close to my side and it doesn't take long to feel the burn.

My Aunt and Uncle from Michigan are visiting again. They're on a return trip home from their drive to California. They're staying at mom's and tomorrow we're all getting together at a giant Chinese buffet in my hometown for a good visit. Wonderful. I didn't pick the place but I will get to pick my choices. I'll be well. There's plenty of good choices available at this "super" buffet.

I look forward to sharing the Chinese buffet experience with you in tomorrow's edition.

My Tweets Today:

Thank you for reading and your continued support,


  1. Hey Sean, I just read your post from yesterday . Brave you going to a buffet. I do avoid buffets, but have had some good successes at them as well as the over eating part rising up. I went to a buffet at a party last night and had one plate, not over filled, and half was filled with veggies and protein. I just avoided certain foods and only had a very small serving of a dessert. I skipped over about 3 other desserts which would not happen in the past. I took a small second serving of one thing as my dessert as it was the best thing at the buffet and my first serving was small. I took a small portion home to have the next day rather than over fill myself..
    About yesterdays post, I thought back to the two times I lost weight and got around to my lowest weights in 30 years. When I got there the first time I rebounded from the restrictive diet I followed where I did give up certain food groups/ sugar. I also had a stressful life and had less support and tools at that time. I'd lost the foundation I'd had that got me losing weight at that time, and I also was in a new relationship where we enjoyed food together.

    With my most recent loss of 135 pounds, I had more of the 'All is possible but with limits' attitude though I had to avoid people, places, and things that triggered me. Avoiding the triggers was an ongoing struggle. But I got to my goal, briefly. I did gain back 50 ish pounds because I think when I got to that lowest weight it both made me feel athletic and proud but also stirred up feelings and fears and self consciousness. I knew I wasn't dealing well with being at that smaller weight, but even with working with a therapist and dietician and blogging I did not get through it without regaining. I've had more of a lifetime being obese and eating whatever than I've ever had being really fit and at my lowest weight. I'm not sure of the purpose of my writing here other than to explore why we have relapse and that success and life is sometimes still not perfect when we get to that goal weight. I work on this everyday. .

    1. PJ, you touch on a very sensitive subject here--how we handle being smaller on an emotional and psychological level. It's a topic I've explored privately and in therapy, but I've kept it at a distance in my writings. I've touched on it--but it's certainly deserving of a deeper dive.
      The thing is, it's so complex and unique to each person--with so many variables from a person's past, making up the puzzle that is, them.
      When I initially reached 230, it was almost as if a part of me was mourning the loss of 500 pound me. Like, that big guy was dead--replaced with this new smaller version--and everywhere I went, the reactions were big--and in the back of my mind, I was thinking-- I miss the security of old me.
      Old me was safe and secure. New me was out there, dealing with things I had never experienced---especially after my divorce, when I started getting into relationships--like a kid in a candy store--with a 17 year old maturity level when it came to relationships...but still, I was weighted by the powerful insecurities I felt at 500--and these didn't match up with the signals I was getting from people...
      Finally, I've had to realize that the only perception of me that is important is the one I have inside of me, for me. If it isn't the healthiest perception, then I work on it internally---But never again do I feel the anxiety or pressure to be what I think someone else is thinking about me... That's a quick detour to inner turmoil.
      The deep seeded insecurities and lack of maturity in relationships still affect me to this day. It's a hard thing to shake. The only thing I know to do, is to continue to do my internal work-- my "happiness coding," be okay-- and maintain a calm perspective--and never take anything personally. I know who I am and who I've always been. And staying in touch with this isn't a bad thing. It's actually a great thing, in my opinion.

    2. thank you ..I relate and got a lot out of your reply.

  2. Like you, I'm off sugar, and it's a FREEDOM not to have to worry about that this Christmas season, don't you think?

    1. Oh My, Kathy H, YES!! It is truly the single biggest and best dietary decision I've ever made. I would have never fully believed what others were describing until I finally--out of sheer desperation and hope, gave it an honest try. Life changing for me!

  3. Was just at a big Chinese buffet last night for the 1st time in 5 years for a friend's birthday (her choice). You CAN be at a buffet and make the right choices for you Sean. I knew in advance they had a wok station where you pick your veggies, meats, sauces and the chef stir-fries it for you. I had no sauce, a chili pepper for flavour, maybe a cup of noodles, tons of chicken and peppers, onions and broccoli. One of the other guests hates this kind of food, but loves our friend, so she ate supper at home before coming and had a couple of non-alcoholic drinks at the buffet instead.

    Love your post from yesterday,especially Geri's quote: "I traded an abundance on my plate for abundance in my life." That really speaks to me and I will be saving that quote to make a little poster for my fridge door.


    1. Nice work at the wok! :) This particular place we're going doesn't have that--but still, I'm confident it'll be okay. They do have tons of good things. My favorite was always the coconut shrimp--but I guarantee it's loaded with sugar--I already know, I will not be having that dish!
      Eating beforehand is an idea--but I'll be fine.
      Yeah--Gerri has many fridge worthy sayings!
      Take care Nikki!! And thank you!

  4. I just ate at a casino buffet last night. Great choices that were in harmony with my calorie budget. I have confidence in you, Sean. You can always 'bookend it' with a text to me.

    1. Thank you, Gerri! Great job at the buffet! I have every confidence it'll be fine! I'll bookend a plan with you, going in and out.

  5. I admire your ability to be 100% perfectly on plan. Today marks my 11 month since getting back of track, but I cannot say I've had a perfect food journey. But, I am excited that it's been 11 months since I've been committed, if not perfect. And, I am relieved that when I have had a bit of sugar, it hasn't been the devastating consequences of falling off a cliff, but have been able to get back on. Every journey is different and yours is amazing. I envy your 100%!

    1. Oh Divad, thank you--but I assure you, it's never perfect!! It's consistent--and again, I have the support and accountability system in place to thank for holding me up--without these elements, I can't honestly say my consistency would be the same.
      It is interesting--I've talked with many people who are abstinent from sugar--BUT--will still eat something if sugar is the 5th ingredient or less. When you wrote how a little bit doesn't seem to have the devastating consequences, I thought of this. Perhaps minuscule amounts work, without issue. I'm so very protective of this, i'm not sure I'm ready to take a chance, 5th ingredient or less, or not.
      I sincerely appreciate your kind words, Divad.
      I don't drink enough water, I rarely get enough sleep--I likely eat too much cheese and corn products for my own good (LOL)--But--it's what is working for me. It is different. Never perfect, it's just consistently imperfect. Wishing you the best, always!


I sincerely appreciate you taking the time to leave a comment. Thank you for your support!

Copyright © 2008-2019 Sean A. Anderson

The Daily Diary of a Winning Loser. All rights reserved.