March 5th, 2018 Feeling Feelings
Today: I maintained the integrity of my maintenance calorie budget, I remained refined sugar-free, I met my daily water goal, and I stayed connected with good support.
My younger brother on my dad's side, Chris, passed away last night. He was 40 years old. I didn't know him, in fact, I only spoke with him a handful of times. But still, I've felt an awkward feeling all day with this news.
First of all, the ones who I feel genuinely for tonight are his mother, stepdad, sister, and the father we had in common and any other family member on my dad's side that knew and loved him. I don't mean to sound so cold and disconnected, but this isn't my loss, it's theirs.
My loss was in not making the time to get to know him. And to be fair, it was a mutual disconnect between us. It's not like either one of us ignored each other, we didn't--we just didn't make time to connect.
What's messed with me most today is the fact that all of my brothers have passed away. I'm the only one left. My youngest brother Shane died at 24, My older brother Danny on my dad's side, at 42, and now a younger brother.
My brain immediately goes to regret. And it's regret for what I didn't do with all three. I was super-close with Shane, we were raised together--and although we spent a lot of quality time together, I've always felt like in many ways, I could've and should've been a better big brother to him. With Danny, I sincerely wish I would have been more persistent and proactive in developing a relationship with him and now, his daughter, with whom I'm ashamed to admit, I've lost contact. I could have done more of an effort to get to know Chris, too. But all of those opportunities are behind me and they're not coming back.
I really feel for Chris's mom and the dad we had in common. As my dad put it, "we're not supposed to outlive our children," but here he is, going through the agony of losing a child for the second time.
I'm okay like I mentioned--I've just felt emotionally off and awkward today.
I'm not face-first in the food, though, and that's something for which I'm immensely grateful.
Sometimes, feeling the feelings is difficult especially when I'm being exceptionally hard on myself. Also, since I have much more experience NOT feeling feelings by stuffing them down with food than I do actually feeling feelings, it seems a little more difficult to handle.
What can I learn from these feelings and emotions? That's something I'll ponder for a little while.
Thank you for reading and your continued support,