Showing posts with label gratitude. Show all posts
Showing posts with label gratitude. Show all posts

Tuesday, August 5, 2014

August 5th, 2014 That Amazing Happenstance

August 5th, 2014 That Amazing Happenstance

I sacrificed some sleep last night to finish what I consider to be one of the top two blog posts I've ever composed as far as impact level on my life. It was worth it to me to get that out on the screen while the experience was still fresh. What I experienced last night at the pool will undoubtedly ripple through the rest of my life. I'm already making plans for swimming to be a regular part of my exercise plan. The next trip and all others after will not include pictures or videos, it'll just be me walking through the locker room door as confident as the big mystery man did last night, right in front of me. I'm still reeling from that amazing happenstance.

It could not have been planned any more precisely. It was exactly what I needed in the very second I needed it. Right when I stopped the video recording--my finger still touching the red button, he walks right in front of me, through the door and toward the hot tub. He instantly, in a micro-second, had my attention , respect and admiration, and I wanted to be like him. So I was.

He hasn't a clue any of this happened. We didn't speak, we didn't look one another in the eye, it was just him leading by example and me gaining strength from his confident stride. It was as if he was divinely and quite literally placed in my path in the most perfect of moments. It was a universal harmony.

I've had a lot of time to process the experience of last night. And I must say, it was a crash course in perception Vs. reality. The perceived reality requires an extremely narrow focus, because if we broadened the mind with any extra details containing even a shred of truth, our focus couldn't contain itself. I did my best not to to be self-critical for having such a narrow self-centered focus in this regard, although I couldn't help but wonder how a critically injured or badly burned person would have received the writings. Can you imagine? Try to expand and imagine if you will, someone living after a horribly tragic occurrence and how their reality was instantly and forever changed in the moment of their happening. Then, after overcoming and accepting where they're found, they read about this guy who looks fine and still is mentally and emotionally paralyzed over stretch marks, a scared right leg, excess fat and man boobs. That's perspective.

I'm not minimizing my experience or my past hangups at all. They were very real, I made them critically important and they were truly powerful to me. I'm simply saying, through this experience my mind has been broadened outside of myself and what I've found is a treasure chest of gratitude for the incredible blessings in my life.

If I had to pick one word to describe the entire experience: Transformative. 

I made getting a nap this afternoon imperative. I took a good hour and forty-five before getting up for a snack and preparations for my Tuesday night support group conference call with Life Coach Gerri and four other amazing people. My entire swimming challenge was inspired by this small, yet powerful group last Tuesday. Our call tonight recapped the challenges and experiences of others in the group, each slightly different in circumstance, yet remarkably similar in dynamic. At the risk of sounding like a sales pitch, Gerri and I will kick off another 6 week group in three short weeks. We are even considering adding an additional daytime group on a different day of the week. More details coming soon!

I had a wonderful workout at the YMCA tonight. The pool was already closed but I gazed down from up above in the cardio studio, fondly remembering the events of last night as I did a sweat dance with the elliptical.

My food was excellent today. In fact, I took some advice and added some all-natural peanut butter to my list of calorie dense-incredibly nutritious foods I can turn to when I need to bump up the calories. This is a big leap for me because jars of peanut butter are on my personal list of banned things. My track record with peanut butter isn't a good one. I've eaten almost an entire jar with a sleeve of saltines--on more than one occasion. Or, I would get a jar, telling myself I would be responsible and then repeatedly go back for one "responsible" serving after another.  But here's the deal--the only peanut butter I've ever purchased before last night was the kind filled with additional sugar. I'm addicted to sugar. I now abstain from sugar. The all-natural peanut butter I purchased has two ingredients: Peanuts and salt. That's it. Believe me, I'll be paying close attention to how I handle having the jar around. So far I've enjoyed a half serving last night and a 3/4 serving tonight. I'm hoping without the added scoops of sugar, I'll not feel compelled to binge like before.

Food Tweets today:










I closed the Calorie Bank and Trust at 1,921 calories with a Net Calories after exercise of 1,236. Yay me! I did it--I managed to hit my Net calorie goal of at least 1200! Talk about dense calories--the natural peanut butter you see in the above tweet is 24g, or 3/4 of a serving--and 158 calories!! Good calories, though--very good.

Thank you for reading and your exceptional support,
Strength,
Sean
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Saturday, July 12, 2014

July 12th, 2014 Something Dramatic Changed

July 12th, 2014 Something Dramatic Changed

Planning, preparing and packing served me well today. I had a midday location broadcast until 2pm, so I made sure to pack a good lunch. It was an interesting broadcast day.

First, Ruth, A longtime listener stopped by the broadcast to register for the concert tickets we were giving away. She recalled taking my picture at an annual station event called Ladies Night Out. I was wearing a nice tuxedo in the October 2010 photo (same as the picture located on the left hand side bar of this blog). I don't think I've seen her since that night. Normally, I would have felt embarrassed at having an obvious weight gain in front of someone, anyone who hasn't laid eyes on me since my days around 230 pounds, but I didn't at all. We chatted for a few minutes, talked about her upcoming retirement, her sons pending nuptials and of course, we talked about weight loss, briefly. I mentioned how wonderful I feel now and how confident I am to once again be moving in the direction toward my healthiest weight.

Running into this regular listener brought back wonderful memories of how good it felt wearing that tuxedo at 232 pounds. I'll be honest, as good as it felt, it still wasn't as good as I feel today. That might sound strange considering I'm a little over 100 pounds from wearing that size tuxedo again, but it isn't strange to me. As soon as I started embracing the positive attributes and qualities in me and I stopped attaching my identity and self worth to a number on a scale or the size of my pants--something dramatic changed. And the perspective was shifted in an instant.

I love me regardless of my size. As I once again head toward my healthiest weight, I do it with the certainty of my self-worth and identity in tact the entire way. It's not something that magically appears when I reach a certain weight or fit into a sharp looking tuxedo.  My self worth and identity doesn't improve with weight loss and it doesn't diminish with weight gain. Keeping my focus and perspective in this most wonderful place has provided instant relief from any possible negative feelings developing in front of people I haven't seen in a long time. This is big-time growth for me. By the way, Ruth ended up having her entry drawn from the prize boot for a pair of concert tickets!

I was also visited by a doctor (not my regular doctor) during my broadcast. I've known this doctor for a few years and he's been supportive of what I do to a certain extent (although I know he doesn't "get me" completely.) Lately, he's losing weight too and feeling great. Good for him! I'm happy for his success! But this is where my enthusiasm stops. You see, he's turning what works for him into big business and he's been after me to join him in this effort. He knows full well I've avoided his calls and texts purposely because I'm not interested in touting the latest and "greatest" diet or whatever he's doing. He started laying on the pressure today for me to jump on board with his plan. For one, I was working, in the middle of a broadcast!!! I don't walk into his practice while he's with a patient and force feed him Joseph's Pitas and the latest pictures from my Twitter feed.

It was the wrong time, wrong place, wrong approach and wrong attitude! I said, "Look, I'm very happy doing what I do and I'm doing very well. I don't have time, nor do I want to consider doing what you're doing because what I'm doing is working for me." I was uncharacteristically direct, because this guy doesn't seem to understand subtle. Then, perhaps as a defense I suppose, I mentioned the time I invest in me--taking extraordinary care, eating better, exercising regularly and maintaining this blog and twitter feed on a daily basis. And that's when he said something that instantly turned me off. 

He came back with: (in reference to this blog) "How much money is that making you??" He's very lucky I'm a nice guy and I have peace of mind in my own certainty. He's also lucky that I have the ability to be compassionate toward his disturbingly affected perspective. In other words, I didn't take this exchange personally, it was all him. Still, he instantly lost my respect and attention. How much money do I make from my blog? What an enormously disrespectful question. I don't make money directly from this blog. What I do "make" is far more valuable than money. I'm making a life, helping myself and often times to my surprise and delight, helping others along the way. I'm "paid" handsomely in the form of clarity, perspective and tremendous support from all over the world. So, Doctor, if you're reading this, make a point to remember: I'm not interested in your "magic" weight loss remedy or becoming some kind of spokesperson and testimonial for your weight loss business. I wish you continued success and good health, but seriously--save yourself some time and energy and lose my number. 

I spent the evening with a friend I haven't seen in a very long time. We enjoyed  an awesome dinner and fantastic conversation. It was also a wonderful opportunity to try lamb chops for the first time. The meal was a little "pricey" in the calorie department, but in hindsight I could have pared it down quite easily. We dined on a very good meal and afterward I had a chance to try Shakeology for the first time. It was dessert. I only had enough calories remaining to have 1/3 serving, but wow--it was great! I'm seriously thinking about adding this nutrient dense food in an effort to bump up my calorie budget as my workouts become longer and more intense. I'm going to need more fuel for my body! This is also something new to my journey: Willingness to change up what I'm doing. For me, the only thing that I don't ever plan on changing and I pray I never do, is my abstinence from sugar. As addicted as I was to it, I'm getting very addicted to feeling good without it in my system. I'd rather feel good!

It's late, so I'll wrap this edition with my meal tweets of the day and hit the pillow!






Thank you for reading and your continued support,
Strength,
Sean
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Tuesday, July 8, 2014

July 8th, 2014 Change of Instinctual Reaction

July 8th, 2014 Change of Instinctual Reaction

My defenses against self-sabotaging behaviors in the face of stress have really been tested the past few days. As open and willing to share as I have been in the past, I've learned valuable lessons in keeping some things private. I don't have anonymity here. If I did, perhaps my sharing policies might be slightly different. The dynamics that make up my personal situation include a very public/high profile job, where many of my listeners and people I come in contact with daily, read this blog, or at least are aware of the blog. I've often referred to spilling deeply personal information to anyone who will listen as being an "inappropriate talker," and I've certainly done my share of over-sharing in the past. I've learned (often the hard way) some things are best kept in a therapist's office, or with a pastor or mentor. With that in mind, I also try to share enough information, tempered with good judgement, in order to convey the emotional and mental dynamics of this here road most of us travel.  In other words, please don't ever think that I'm all sunshine and roses. I'm doing very well and have for nearly three months straight, still it's had its share of stressful and emotional ups and downs. The past few days, exceptionally so. But isn't that life?

I'm fortunate that, the only negative affects I allowed were largely ineffective in creating any major issues. I didn't want to work out last night, just because (and I did anyway and felt great after), and I was more than three hundred calories short on my budget yesterday, which means I wasn't in the mood to eat. Who me?? Not in the mood to eat? This occurrence leaves me wondering if I've been body snatched by aliens and replaced with a programmed being that wasn't fully briefed on the subtleties of Sean. High levels of stress usually equals EAT! I'm pleasantly surprised and profoundly grateful for this change of instinctual reaction.

I was cutting fruit this morning when I got a little too hurried for my own good, slicing the breakfast cantaloupe and my finger simultaneously. As I get more accustomed to Twitter culture, I'm tempted to write in hashtags, #ouch! It was #painful and #messy. The tip of my right hand middle finger started cursing and bleeding badly. Okay, perhaps I was the one cursing. My hand may have been signing curse words, though, I'm not sure. I managed to keep the blood off the food and on my counter, broke out my hardly ever used first aid kit and doctored my injury before heading off to work.

I intentionally bumped up the calories of each meal today in an effort to avoid falling short late. The following tweets cover breakfast, lunch, afternoon snack and dinner.







I'm still struggling with drinking enough water and time management but I can clearly see how and where I can improve on these elements as I move forward in the most positive ways.

I had a wonderful group coaching session tonight with Life Coach Gerri and a fantastic group of participants. Tonight was our last of this six week session. Our next six week session is open for registrations! I'll post more information on how you can register and join us, tomorrow night.

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean
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Monday, June 30, 2014

June 30th, 2014 My Deal With Sugar

June 30th, 2014 My Deal With Sugar

I'm up late tonight waiting to be activated for weather coverage on an approaching complex of storms. I'm basically writing in a race to finish before the gust front moves into our listening area. I've had these little races with Mother Nature before. I think it'll be okay.

I've written about my abstinence from sugar and how its given me a peace and calm like I've never known. It's not something necessary for everyone. You may not have the reactions I do when you consume sugar. Arriving at this point in my journey has required a bunch of trial and error, or more accurately, a bunch of denial and struggle. I'm glad I've experienced things this way, though. Because without the trials, the struggles--I wouldn't be where I am today. And I love where I am today.

If you're not someone affected by sugar, like me, good! For you, moderation is key. After experiencing the last nine and a half weeks without and the resulting peace and calm--I've never been more sure of its affects on me. When denial and struggle is replaced with the positive perspective of peaceful acceptance, it's life changing, certainly has been for me.

I'm writing about this because I've received a few messages and an email today on this very subject.

I believe I've shared these thoughts before. Just in case, here's my deal with sugar:

Restrictions.
This was one of the biggest points of contention for me since I started losing weight in 2008.
I lost 275 pounds eating cake, ice cream and desserts--all within reasonable portions at appropriate times.
Using prior success as a reference, It made it very hard to get to a place of acceptance for abstinence, where I am now.

How did I stay consistent for as long as I did, despite all the sugary foods in moderation?
In hindsight, I clearly see how my support and accountability system importance level was set so high, I didn't dare give in to the struggle, temptation and the obsessive like attraction to "getting more."
There were a lot of prayers and meditation--surrounding myself with people, instead of isolating--and connecting as much as possible with a variety of support sources.

When I basically abandoned almost every support and accountability component I had leaned on for so long--then it was a very different dynamic. Suddenly I was dramatically weakened.

When the bio-chemical reactions of sugar addiction swirled through my brain, I followed its lead without question--as if possessed. I traded one struggle for another. Instead of struggling against the compulsions to binge, I gave in--then struggled with the regret, shame and embarrassment associated with weight gain and the guilt associated with doing the very things I wanted to be diametrically opposed to. 

I was very much NOT wanting to let go of the sugar or, the option to enjoy it occasionally in portioned doses... My denial was slowly revealed and chipped away by learning. What ended up happening is, I kept researching the effects of sugar, specifically the addictive nature of it, and then as if I was destined to hear--I kept having conversations with people in recovery from food addiction---people who have what I want--years of maintenance behind them--and 100% of them said the same thing in relation to sugar and how it creates a bio-chemical reaction in our pleasure sensors---and then sets off the addictive cycle of, "I gotta have more and NOW!!!!" 

I can't say I'm 100% sugar free, because of my non-flavored plain coffee creamer. The tiny amount doesn't seem to have the same effect as larger more obvious amounts. I'm sugar free enough to experience the most amazing benefits I once thought were impossible to find for me. No binges and no urges to binge. So many people described their experience to me--and they described this feeling--but still, until I actually committed to the effort needed to personally "test" it, it was like they were speaking of some mythical fantasy. 

I do recognize that I have a similar and many ways stronger support and accountability system in place now--but even still--I'm not fighting to maintain control. There's a peace and calm about my approach that I'm absolutely in love with.  If trading the occasional sugar for this feeling is the deal...then I'll sign a lifetime contract. That's the long answer to my perspective.

Will I ever go back to eating ice cream, cakes and other sugar laden things? I pray I never do. My short answer is no, I don't plan on ever going back. I now know, understand and appreciate what I must do in order to stay abstinent.  I also know that if I ever decide to abandon the principles and practices of my personal recovery, I'll surely go straight back to the very familiar reality of an unmanageable and chaotic existence.

It's important to note that fortunately, not everyone is a food and/or sugar addict. For some, the basic fundamentals of eating less, exercising more and developing an "in moderation" approach to food is the answer. I wanted it to be my answer. And as much as I wanted to wish it into being--summoning the law of attraction and constantly telling myself I was someone who could be okay with a non-addict approach to recovery--I finally realized it wasn't me. And it's okay. I'm okay. And I have a wonderful, rich and fulfilling life ahead of me without sugar.

The acceptance of and fully embracing my personal truth of addiction, along with some life changing epiphanies about identity and self-worth, have sent me straight to a very positive place. I love this feeling and I wouldn't trade it for all the Snickers Bars and mint chocolate chip shakes in the world.  Truth is, all it takes for that transaction to happen is one Snickers or shake. 

I'm happily abstinent from sugar.

Sean
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We've expected these storms moving in overnight since this morning. With this knowledge, I was able to plan my afternoon with a solid nap in place before heading to the YMCA for a workout.  I experienced a wonderful ride on the elliptical tonight before meeting Amber and KL at my favorite little Mexican place for Hawaiian Fajita Tacos!

Instead of corn tortillas, I requested corn taco shells.  Now, I'll always order it this way. The corn taco shells are simply stronger, holding up better to the moistness of the ingredients. I passed on the chips, guac, beans and rice--opting instead to focus on my three big and hearty Hawaiian Fajita Tacos!  Here's the tweet:

I had a wonderful visit with Amber tonight. It carried over past dinner, to their apartment afterward. Amber has a big opportunity in front of her and tonight she needed some fatherly advice and encouragement. Nothing feels better than connecting on deep levels with my kids. It's a fantastic feeling.

It's late and the complex of storms are approximately an hour away. I better get to work. If you're ever interested in listening, we do stream. Simply click: http://player.authorizedstream.com/?pid=593

Thank you for reading and your support,
Strength,
Sean
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Thursday, June 19, 2014

June 19th, 2014 A Day of Minor Struggles

June 19th, 2014 A Day of Minor Struggles

I was prepared today. Preparedness doesn't always prevent struggle. One of my interviews on the show this morning was Mark, an avid fisherman. He was coming in studio to promote the upcoming All-American Fish Fry Blood Drive with the Oklahoma Blood Institute. This will be the 8th year this man has caught, cleaned, prepared and cooked all of the fish for this big annual event. Every year, in advance of the date (usually the week before), he brings fresh fried catfish into the studio for everyone to enjoy. Today was the day.

I love fried fish. I love fish, period. Even though I was fully satisfied with my breakfast, I was having a very tough time resisting the aroma of the fish and chips in the studio lobby.  I tweeted about it, expressing "...I need to get out of here." In years past I've indulged on this day, but not this time. Sending the tweets about the fish gave me strength to walk away. Could I have eaten a piece and simply counted? Sure. But as solid and on plan as I've been lately--coupled with the fact that I had just finished breakfast and wasn't even remotely hungry, I made the right call.  I don't feel bad for Mark, the fisherman, because plenty of others enjoyed the free fish. And he knows how I feel about his fish, it's the best!

I left the studio not long after my show and when I returned after lunch, the crock pot of fish and fries still had several pieces. Yes, I checked. I had just finished a wonderful lunch of baked fish, sweet potatoes and pears. Again, I wasn't hungry, yet I was still compelled to check the crock pot. I didn't eat any. I quickly made my way to the upstairs production studio and dove into my work. After a couple of hours I enjoyed an orange before finishing the work day. I still needed to go downstairs and secure the on-air studios, which meant encountering the crock pot of what was now cold and old catfish and fries.

It still smelled good. I came within an inch of eating it. I went so far as to remove the lid and pick up a few pieces. For a moment I thought, I can just count it, tweet it and eat less for dinner. Oh, I was doing my best to make it okay.  At this point, considering the struggle, there was no way I was giving up. I put the cold fish back in the pot, returned the lid--acknowledged the glistening of oil on my fingers and the smell, then promptly went into the bathroom and washed it away. I walked from the studio feeling empowered.

It showed me that just because I'm 97% sugar free, it doesn't mean I'm completely free from errant thoughts and occasional struggle. This situation was a different kind of trigger. It was the sight and smell. Had the food been a large pizza from Hideaway Pizza in my hometown, I would have experienced the same struggle. Had it been a giant pot of sesame chicken from Chinese Express--same struggle. I haven't had many of these types of struggles in the last couple of months because I haven't been around some of these foods. It was a good thing to experience this today.

After deciding to grill something for dinner, I realized I forgot to take the meat from the freezer. No problem, I'll just go buy a small package at the store and grab a few other things while I'm in there. But when I pulled into the store parking lot I realized how tired I was. It had been a long day. Instead of shopping, then cooking--I decided to give myself a break from the kitchen and grab some Hawaiian Fajitas to go from my favorite little Mexican place. Out of the five or six times I've eaten out in the last few months, these Hawaiian Fajitas account for four times, including tonight. I implemented the same calorie saving strategy as I always do at a Mexican restaurant. Dinner checked in at 556 calories.

I planned to workout after dinner but suddenly I didn't feel like it. Was I just too tired today, physically and mentally? Perhaps. I really like to reserve my "off day" from the workout schedule for the weekends. So I decided to drag myself to the YMCA. I arrived and realized I had left my earbuds at home. I wasn't driving all the way back home and back to the Y again for the music. I decided to go ahead and workout without my music. I made it through the workout, but I'll tell you--listening to people grunt and breathe isn't as much fun as getting wrapped up into Billy Idol. It took some focus to see it through. I'm glad I did.

Today's theme has been struggle, in a few different ways. It may have started with the anonymous comment on yesterday's post that stated: "Your blog seems interesting but I cant get past the ugly layout." It was the epitome of superficial, this comment--and as much as it amused me, it must have bothered me a little too. My blog is as strong as the content and message, not to mention what it's done for me in so many ways and what others have told me it's done for them over the years. I take this blog seriously. I've never taken the time to "dress it up" or even consider a few changes to make it easier to read. Perhaps I do need to make a few changes to it, nothing major--maybe a bigger font or something, different color schemes...a prettier layout.

I'm hitting the pillow much earlier than usual and that's a good thing. And despite the various minor struggles today, I'll hit the pillow knowing that I'm in just under budget, I exercised and I took extraordinary care of me today.

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean
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Tuesday, June 17, 2014

June 17th, 2014 The Best I Can, Today

June 17th, 2014 The Best I Can, Today

I'm feeling better now, than I think I ever have in my life. That's a pretty big statement. I mean, ever, in the history of Sean. It has some to do with eating better, exercising and losing weight, of course, but the majority of this feeling comes from the epiphany of May 15th, 2014: My identity and self worth will never be tethered to the shape of my face, the size of my pants or the number on a scale. The same qualities and positive attributes I love about me are constant, at 505 or 230, for richer or poorer. Read the blog post from May 15th by clicking here.

Never before has something stayed with me in such a powerful way. And it goes beyond recognizing and understanding. I've taken this into practical application in my everyday life and its effect has been nothing short of miraculous.

I enjoy spending time with me. I don't think I've ever known what that was like until now. I have a greater confidence no matter where I am or who I may run into, I always hold my head high. What makes this exceptionally better is, I'm feeling great about myself, so when I'm around people I'm not busy projecting negative feelings about me onto them without their knowledge. In fact, it's the opposite. I think I'm awesome, so surely they do too! I don't tug on my shirt as much, as if doing so makes me appear slimmer. I don't look in the mirror and pepper myself with self-loathing and disgust. I look in the mirror with gratefulness and appreciation for what I have and what I don't have. I take extraordinary care in planning, selecting and preparing my food. I'm making me important. I even bought myself some new sweat pants today. I'm recognizing my talents and celebrating them--nurturing them, instead of discounting and under valuing. The added confidence has decreased my sensitivity, so I don't take things personally as often as I once did. I'm proceeding along this road with an excitement and vigor like never before.  When someone compliments me on my appearance, I say thank you instead of launching into a laundry list of reasons to invalidate their suggestion, followed by --"but yeah, thank you for that." Just as importantly, I don't invest too much in what people say about me in a positive way. I don't gravitate toward them like a puppy with wagging tail and wanting eyes, saying give me more, give me more... and hoping if they say it enough I'll eventually believe it too.

And I'm showing an abundant gratitude and thanks everyday for effectively being branded with two life changing experiences at the same time: The positive physical/mental effects of finally giving nearly 100% abstinence from sugar an honest effort and the mental/emotional freedom afforded by a new perspective on identity and self-worth.

I'm also keenly aware that these gifts are not in any way locked into place. Only with my continued diligent practice, my constant awareness of where I am and a confident patience for where I'm headed, will I be allowed to keep the peace I currently enjoy. Only a fool believes he's figured out the combination for eternal peace without continued effort and practice. I've used the word "practice" a lot lately because it's what it is. I'm not perfect, never will be and that isn't the goal. The pursuit of perfection is the quickest detour to disappointment.

I'm doing the best I can, today.

-------------------------------

Today was good in many ways. I had a productive morning show and afternoon production session. I left work, went shopping for myself (hardly ever do that), took care of a friend's dogs, then came home and started preparing an incredible meal. The food was almost done when I started my weekly Tuesday night support conference call, so I let it stay in the warm oven until the call was over. I enjoyed the meal tremendously--wow--Loved it!!





I worked out on the elliptical at the YMCA after dinner, helped my oldest daughter with something--went back out to care for the dogs, then headed home to eat my #lastfoodofday and write this blog post.

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean
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Monday, June 16, 2014

June 16th, 2014 Sean 1 and Sean 2

June 16th, 2014 Sean 1 and Sean 2

I had an interesting realization today. It required thinking of myself as two different people. First, there's the me in my deepest, darkest spiral, where the pounds came on easy and the quick fixes were easy to obtain in the numerous drive throughs less than a mile from my apartment. Second, there's me now--taking care, making things important like exercise and planning my food, and cooking and staying consistent AND losing weight.

We'll call them Sean 1 and Sean 2.

If these two could have a conversation--It might go something like:

(Sean 1 is annoyed by Sean 2.)

Sean 1:  (mockingly) "Look at you and your blog and twitter, I swear if I see one more food picture from you... You don't get where I am, I mean seriously--you're not dealing with what I deal with everyday. And you're  just so, on--always on---can you not turn it down a few notches...geez... I get it, you're logging, tweeting, blogging--doing what you do...spewing words of encouragement... Oh, and claiming that giving up nearly all sugar has given you a peace, where you're not compelled to binge--yeah, whatever--I don't believe that craziness. You can keep talking Mr. Anderson, it's still not helping me!"

Sean 2: If you only realized how thin the separation is between where I am now and where I was...it's paper thin. I get it, I was there and I could be there again in a flash. And I take no offense from your attitude and feelings toward me because they don't reflect me, they reflect you. When I was in the same mental place--it was never about "them," it was always about me--and my perspective. How I chose to receive the world determined how I viewed the world and everyone in it. Don't let the emotions of hopelessness fool you into believing there isn't hope. Sean 1, I'm talking to you--please don't shut me out--give me a few more minutes of your attention. Where you are is okay. You're not a bad person, you're not hopeless--you are stubborn, I will give you that. Stop fighting and...

Sean 1: "Now hold on right there, you Joseph's Pita eating son..."

Sean 2: Uh Uh...no name calling.

Sean 1: "I'm not a quitter. I'll never stop fighting."

Sean 2: That's not what I meant. Stop fighting against yourself and start standing up for yourself. You don't need to be perfect. Start small. Give yourself some thought and careful consideration. What do you need right now? For me, the first thing I had to do was get some help with my sleep apnea issues. I did that--and was still struggling...but that's okay, because I was slowly but surely gravitating away from the darkness. When you reach a point of surrender and your internal conversation turns spiritual, in whatever way that means to you--then you're really making some headway. Now, define some boundaries for yourself. If you're going to do this, there must be some personal boundaries in place. Decide on these and make sure these are things you can do. What works for me, may not work for you. Create your own unique plan. And recognize how this effort is a fantastic gift you're giving yourself--because you're worth it in every way. Then, make a commitment--a vow to yourself--an iron-clad decision that this is it...like no other time...you're deciding to choose change...

Sean 1:  "...before change chooses me, yeah--I heard you the first 900 times you said that phrase..."

Sean 2: Why don't you come back when you're ready to really hear me.

Sean 1: "Relax, Mr. Serious...geez...I was just giving you a hard time..."

Sean 2: I don't need a hard time. I've been really good at giving myself a hard time for a very long time, I don't need help in that department. Listen, what I'm doing now is what works for me. It's subject to change. And most importantly, it's not guaranteed.  The best I can tell from studying others with long term successful maintenance is--I must keep a close guard--and stay diligent in my practice. It's paper thin, this difference between you and me--and if I ever decide to get careless and cavalier, I'll break through and be right back where you are now. This takes work. And I'm okay with that. Are you?

Sean 1: "Why do you even care about me enough to share this?"

Sean: 2:  Because we share this road. And even though we may have very different circumstances and challenges, we have much more in common than not. We can learn from one another in wonderful ways. I want you to believe in yourself. I want you to truly understand, that if I can do this--you can too. There's hope, Sean 1--there's hope.  Change your perspective and change your life, my friend. That's what I'm working on everyday, one day at a time.

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Today was a solid day. I had a great workout at the Y followed by a fabulous home cooked dinner with Amber, her boyfriend KL and a good friend of mine. I stayed within my calorie budget. I'm hitting the pillow tonight with gratitude for another good day. I'll wake in the morning with a prayer for another.

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean
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Sunday, June 15, 2014

June 15th, 2014 A Very Blessed Father's Day

June 15th, 2014 A Very Blessed Father's Day

I started the day with a good cup of coffee and a phone call to my dad. Dad and I don't talk enough, really. It was a good conversation and it ended with both of us vowing to make an effort to see each other again soon. I felt better having called and he expressed how much it meant to him, and that was a good start to my Father's Day.

I'm dog sitting for a friend for the next few days. I requested full access to his large "gourmet" kitchen as part of the deal. My apartment kitchen is small and I do well with what I have, but this bigger kitchen is a lot of fun. If you ever notice different plates and table settings accompanying my food and exercise Twitter feed, you'll know--I'm dog sitting.

I treated myself to a fantastic brunch today.




This proved to be too much food. I left food on the plate and revised the count to 589 calories. It was a hearty He-Man type breakfast for this dad!

I enjoyed dinner out with my oldest last night in celebration of Father's Day weekend. Today was another trip out, this time with both of my wonderful daughters and grandson Noah.

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Noah was in awe of his surroundings and fairly excited! He's playing the drums on the table.

I've been eating out less than once a week on average for the last nearly two months. This weekend it was twice. And I'm okay with it as long as I have a plan and stick to it. And I did.  Last night I wrote about taking my food scale to the restaurant. I forgot to grab it for the trip today. Since I didn't have the luxury of my digital measuring device, I decided to be very detailed in my order. I asked the server how many ounces of chicken breast strips came in a half-order of fajitas, she immediately replied "four and a half ounces." I then expressed how important it was for the kitchen to make sure the serving was accurate. I declined the fresh made flour tortillas and real butter, I did not decline the chips and the chunky mild salsa. I counted out 12 chips and grabbed some of the fresca, and immediately calculated it in MyFitnessPal. I gave my rice and beans to Noah. I used corn tortillas instead of flour (the corn variety is almost half the calories of the flour kind), I gave away the pile of cheese on my "fixings" plate, and kept enough sour cream to smear a small amount onto each before filling with grilled chicken, onions and peppers. I used a little over half the chicken (approx. 3oz). They were easily the best chicken fajitas I've ever enjoyed.

Here's the deal:  My seemingly obsessive calculations aren't as obsessive as one might think. It's not about extreme accuracy for me. It's more about setting personal boundaries for my consumption. Calorie counting isn't an exact practice. It's almost impossible to be precisely exact with a perfect count.  When I set good personal boundaries and I'm as close as I possibly can be with the count, I feel incredible about myself. Had I walked into that restaurant today with a different attitude and without a plan, I could have easily done some damage. And it isn't about physical "damage." We're talking mental/emotional damage. Don't get the wrong idea, I'm not advocating an occasional binge for me--That type of plan wouldn't work for me at all. Had I cut loose today in the name of Father's Day, the mental and emotional damage, not to mention the possible bio-chemical reactions, would have significantly trumped any possible physical damage. Suddenly, I would have been besieged with feelings of guilt and shame as a tidal wave of remorse and regret washed away this wonderful momentum I've created. The subsequent effects would eventually make dramatic contributions to the physical side of things. But that's just me.

Here's the deal part two: I'm eating well and enough to feel extremely satisfied. I'm confident in doing what feels right for me today. I'm taking immense pride in a job well done. I'm not feeling deprived in any way. The contrast between this feeling and the highly familiar feeling of not caring, is night and day. I'm caring about me on a level I've never known. Not even during my initial weight loss was I this considerate and compassionate toward myself. This feels good.

The best part of today wasn't the food. The best part was the family time. Enjoying a meal with both of my daughters, Noah, Mom, Uncle Keith, Aunt Kelli and her husband Tim was wonderful. I rarely have both of my daughters together at the same time. In fact, I'd venture to say we haven't all three shared a meal together in over a year before today. On the way home, as Noah slept and the three of us listened to music and talked, I had a few moments of clarity in reflection followed by extreme gratitude and thanks for being so blessed and so loved by my family. Amber and Courtney didn't know, but dad was getting a little misty at one point during our 42 mile trip home. It was a special day to me; just beautiful.

I got back to my friend's house to let the dogs out and realized I still had slightly over 500 calories remaining in my Calorie Bank and Trust account. This happens frequently on the weekends because I usually end up combining breakfast and lunch into one meal. If my calorie spending isn't up to at least 850 or so by dinner time, I'll likely fall short at the end of the day. It's not a bad issue to have, really. I prepared a late "breakfast for dinner" steak and swiss omelet with a few strawberries on the side. It served as my #lastfoodofday.

I jumped into my friend's workout room and onto his elliptical and...oh my... totally different style machine than I'm accustomed. I wanted to stop after 10 minutes. It was working different parts of me than my favorite at the YMCA. I pushed it to 20 minutes before calling it good. I was sweating more than when I do a full 30 at the Y. I will feel it in the morning, for sure.

If you're a dad, Happy Father's Day! I hope yours was a good one too.

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean
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Wednesday, June 11, 2014

June 11th, 2014 Weigh-In Edition

June 11th, 2014 Weigh-In Edition

One of the things I explored during my initial weight loss was the emotional/psychological effects of weighing. I knew how the scale had effected me in the past and I refused to give it that power any longer. One weigh-in where the results didn't measure up to my expectations, and my mood and attitude would do an immediate 180. I worked so hard, didn't I?  Of course it creates uncertainty about everything we're doing...and since many of the things we're doing seem slightly foreign as we work at building new habits and behaviors, it's easy to let one bad weigh-in become the catalyst, throwing it all out the window...our plans, our hopes, our dreams, our health...everything.  A less-than-expected weigh-in result could mean several things: You're retaining water, you're building lean muscle, your metabolism is set to super low, thyroid issues, accuracy issues in tracking/counting, and several more, I'm sure. Whatever the number, it doesn't define you and it doesn't say anything bad about you and what you're doing. It's not an accurate indicator of whether or not you're doing anything right or wrong.  It's simply a check up to see how your body is responding to what you're doing. If it isn't moving for prolonged periods of time even after making adjustments to your approach, then a doctors visit is in order to rule out things like the above mentioned thyroid issue. But there's a flip side to this scale emotions/psychology dynamic.

I weighed today and discovered a 16 pound loss for the last three weeks. This brings my total loss for the last seven weeks to 41 pounds. Having experienced this "it comes off faster in the beginning" dynamic before, I know not to put too much stock in these numbers. It's different when you start from a much larger weight like me. It does come off faster at first. I've paid special attention to my nutrition better than I ever have before and I've made it important to exercise at least six times a week. I'm eating well and moving my body and thank God, it's responding in a positive way. I'm very grateful. If I only had 20 or 30 pounds to lose, then a much slower weight loss and smaller number would be expected and considered fantastic. It's all relative to the individual. One person's 20 is another person's 150. The dynamics in play are largely the same, only the numbers are proportionate to the unique individual.  What I'm saying is...

This quick start will slow in a dramatic fashion. So, as pleased as I am with the numbers thus far, I'm not allowing my early success to give me an inappropriate level of expectation for future weigh-ins. It's worth noting that during my initial 275 pound weight loss, I lost the first 200 pounds in slightly over 10 months--then, I spent the next year and four months losing the last 75 pounds. I lost 275 pounds in 26 months and 1 day...and that averages out to 2.6 pounds per week. When you analyze the numbers like that, it's perfectly reasonable. It all catches up and levels off.  My body will adjust, demand to be challenged more in the exercise department and it will respond differently as I proceed. The important thing is, I shall proceed regardless. When my approach needs adjustment (and it will), I'll be open to adjusting. I'm convinced had I upped my calories from 1500 and dramatically increased my workout intensity/routine, I could have lost the last 75 of my initial weight loss, much quicker than 16 months. Hindsight is golden with the proper perspective. But the larger point is, this is a learning process. It's a unique to the individual, learning experience. And as long as we allow ourselves to be open to learning, then we can only improve the quality of our journey.

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Weigh-In May 21st, 2014

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Weigh-In today June 11th, 2014

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Today was a challenge in other areas, namely sleep/rest. It was a very long day and since I insist on postponing breakfast until after my weigh-in at the doctors office, everything was late. I had a late breakfast, a late lunch and a late dinner. I didn't leave the studio until after 5pm and it was in that moment I had to make a decision.  Do I go straight to the Y for a workout? Or do I do what my body is screaming for me to do, go home and go to sleep for a good nap. Common sense says workout first, prepare dinner, write and actually get to bed at a decent time--but this is where my unique set of personal circumstances come into play. I knew we were expecting storms overnight. I'm on call 24/7 during severe weather season. If severe weather threatens our listening area, I'm headed to work to report the details live as it happens. Gayle Williams shares this responsibility with me and together we've won back to back Oklahoma Association of Broadcasters Broadcasting Excellence Awards for our coverage in 2012 and 2013. We take severe weather coverage VERY seriously around here and it shows in our commitment.  Knowing that there was a 90% chance of me being activated late or in the middle of the night, I chose option B. I headed straight home for a good nap, just in case I needed the rejuvenation for later in the night.

I prepared a late dinner and dessert (cinnamon/Stevia baked pears) and I feel good. I had planned to get a late night workout in, but instead opted to allow this to be my one day without a workout. I'll be fine and I will experience the elliptical at the YMCA again tomorrow.

As I write this, I'm monitoring a large line of severe thunderstorms moving toward our listening area. In fact, just now a warning was issued for Grant county, the county immediately to our West. It's likely not in our listening area just yet, but will be very soon. As expected, I'm headed back to work shortly. I'm confident I made the right decisions today and I feel fantastic about this tremendously positive momentum I'm enjoying. As I proceed one day at a time, I'm paying special attention to my awareness of emotions, stress and attitude--and how these effect my perspective and resolve at particular points throughout any given day. I'm learning so much about myself!

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean
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Friday, June 6, 2014

June 6th, 2014 Maintaining Good Care

June 6th, 2014 Maintaining Good Care

Last night I mentioned how I suspended in-studio weather coverage at 11:30pm. I was actually reactivated and headed back to the studio at 1:20am, finished and was back home shortly after 3am, overslept for obvious reasons and was an hour late joining my morning show, already in progress, shortly after 7:00am.
I made it through the rest of my show, daily after show duties and to a remote broadcast from the VFW's 70th Anniversary of D-Day event.  As soon as my broadcast ended at 1pm, I was done for the day. I didn't get home until after 2pm. I prepared a nice lunch, stayed up a little while and then took a much needed nap.

Even though it was a crazy schedule today, I didn't sacrifice my resolve to eat better and take extraordinary care. This is the season for these kinds of fluctuations in my schedule and as long as I'm aware of what I need and make taking care important, I can get through. And really, this type of inconsistent schedule only happens about 2-3 months out of the year. It just so happens we're right smack dab in the middle of it now...at the same time I'm doing my best to take extraordinary care.  I suppose my definition of extraordinary care is somewhat forced to change and adapt along with the schedule. Today it meant making sure I had adequate food and a solid nap as soon as possible. I did both.

I hit the YMCA for my workout late this afternoon and I must admit, I didn't want to do it at all. Despite the fact that I'm certain of how good it feels to do and the positive transformative effect it has on my mood, I still preferred to not do it today. I had just finished a wonderful nap where I slept soundly and with excellent quality, so I couldn't necessarily say I was tired. I just wasn't feeling it. Not everyday will be a rah rah rah kind of day.  Not everyday will be ripe with exclamation points. Some are just days where we're happy making it through doing the absolute minimum we must, while promising a bigger effort later. I get that.

Trusting in the certainty of sports science, specifically how the body experiences a bio-chemical reaction while exercising, I got all Mr. Wizard on myself, and in little time was convinced I needed to climb aboard the magical elliptical. I did and as expected, it was awesome. Maybe I talked myself into feeling better than normal, I don't know--but I must say, I walked out of that workout feeling twice as good as I normally do.






Perhaps the better than normal feeling was because I overcame my own resistance. Usually I head to the Y with an attitude of let's go! Today it was Do we really have to today?  I have allowed myself a day off from exercise every now and then and I will on a regular basis, but today's resistance wasn't necessary.  I'm so glad I did it anyway.

I'm so glad the weekend is here. I've been well intentioned about replying to comments and emails this week but I've done a poor job actually doing it. The weekend gives me an opportunity to get caught up and I'm looking forward to doing this tomorrow morning and afternoon. I have a three hour broadcast from a car dealership in the middle of that plan. Interacting and engaging in conversation with you about the challenges and successes along this road is one of my favorite things to do. It helps me tremendously to be supportive to those who have been incredibly supportive to me. We're all in this together. Our paths might be different, what works for me may not work for you, but we share some commonalities and truths that are universal to our journey, and in those we find a powerful connection. It's a connection that creates a mutually positive experience.

I enjoyed dinner out tonight with my oldest daughter Amber and her boyfriend KL. I enjoyed the Hawaiian Fajitas again. It was phenomenal as usual. It feels very strange to be able to go in with a plan and stick to it without hesitation. My strategy involved eating three of the combination steak/chicken/shrimp/grilled pineapple fajitas with corn tortillas instead of flour (almost half the calories of the flour) and a smear of sour cream on each. No beans, no rice, no guac and no chips. I enjoyed a fabulously satisfying meal out and I kept it under 500 calories. This is working for me and I feel very good about how I enjoyed the meal and the conversation.  

One of the things I'm working on is finding a balance within my relationships while taking extraordinary care. I'm making a point to call my daughters more often, talk with mom more and basically enjoy this process of transformation without getting overwhelmed and all consumed. I feel good about my progress in that department. I wasn't very good at this during my initial weight loss. But now I recognize how imperative it is to take a well measured approach and not lose touch with the ones we love in the name of focus. Ultimately, this journey for me is about incorporating the standards and practices giving me the best chance at a well balanced life of recovery, while still maintaining a life--and if I can do that, I believe it's then something I can maintain for the rest of my life.

It was a good day today despite the crazy work schedule of the last several days. Storms are rolling through as I write this and it's nice to hear them roll without rushing to the studio for coverage. A colleague of mine is doing the coverage tonight.

I invite you to join me on Twitter for the live-tweeting of my food and exercise along the way. The twitter feed is one of the best accountability measures I've taken. It's having a tremendously positive effect on my eating habits. My love of cheese was mentioned recently and yes, I admit--I love cheese. One thing you'll notice, I don't allow "block" cheeses and I rarely have cottage cheese. I love cottage cheese too much. My previous doctor once suggested look at the sodium content in cottage cheese, so I did and was shocked at how much salt it contained. I don't trust myself with block or cottage cheese. I stick to pre-portioned slices with set calorie counts. I'm feeling good about my behavior around the Laughing Cow wedges. I'm eating them in moderation.  I was initially worried about if I could keep them in the fridge without binging on them and so far I've been successful. When I eat a shredded cheese variety, it's always measured and counted--either 28 grams for a full serving or 14 grams for a half serving, if that will do.

If my food scale ever breaks, it'll be something I immediately replace!

Thank you for reading and your support,
strength,
Sean
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Wednesday, June 4, 2014

June 4th, 2014 My Perfection Is Imperfection

June 4th, 2014 My Perfection Is Imperfection

Everyone is entitled to their opinion and beliefs, their passions; convictions. I'm very respectful of all people and I do my best to be gracious. When someone has something helpful for me in the way of advice or concern, I immediately recognize it as a positive. Last night's post was a perfect example. I couldn't be more grateful for the wonderful perspective Janis gifted me. And it was spot on.

This morning I received a direct Twitter message from someone in the UK who has read this blog often over the years. She wrote, "Hi Sean, I checked out your MyFitnessPal diary for a few days. You are vastly undereating. That can't last. You MUST nourish your body. That you are restricting shows you have an eating disorder or more properly, Eating Distress. Restricting your food intake so low won't help. I wish you all the best in your recovery. Please consider my words. God Bless."

I explained that I was aware that I had an eating disorder called food addiction. She went on to say that she doesn't believe in food addiction, only in food behavior addiction. She wasn't mean at all, in fact--she said "Sean, I wish you every good thing and deep flourishing! Take care of your precious self." She later added, "You're inspiring. Be nice to yourself. :)"

I'm sharing this, not in an effort to attack her, not at all. I believe she's 100% sincere and well intentioned. I'm sharing it because it had such a negative effect on me all day long. Why did I let this well intentioned advice get under my skin? I don't know.  What I do know is....

I'm at peace, more now than I've ever been in my entire 42 years. I feel a quiet and calm with food that I honestly thought was impossible for me to experience. I certainly don't feel like I'm under-eating at all. The only time I ever feel the slightest twinge of hunger is first thing in the morning, otherwise I'm perfectly comfortable. I eat three meals a day and anywhere from one to three snacks a day. When I workout I feel plenty of energy, like I feel my body getting stronger. The 1700 calorie budget seems to be serving me well. I had lost 25 pounds at my last weigh in (approximately 4 1/2 weeks worth-if my calculations are correct) and I understand that may seem like too much-too fast, but for someone with so much to lose I also know it's not uncommon for larger numbers up front. I feel exceptionally healthy. My sleep has also improved.

I'm the first to admit when I'm wrong, but everything about what I've been doing for almost two months feels so right for me.  Lord knows I'm not a dietitian, nutritionist, doctor or anyone else who knows better. I haven't studied the theories and nutrition books and websites or any of that stuff. I'm simply eating well. I'm eating better than I ever have in my entire life. I'm not binging and I'm 100% convinced that the nearly 100% abstinence from sugar has completely taken away the compulsions to binge. I'm not saying I'll never have them again, but for now, they're virtually non-existent. It's a beautiful peace, my friends.

I was stressing all day long, second guessing, frustrated--in a foul mood...and it didn't help that it was a long day at work. When I feel so right and good, I can't accept that what I'm doing is all wrong and bad. I called a support friend and professional late tonight for an impromptu session and she asked, "Why would you allow anyone to steal your serenity?" Good question.

I don't proclaim to have all the answers. I do not proclaim to be an expert. I'm just a guy who is doing the best I can. I'm taking good care of myself for a change. I want to live and experience life at a healthy weight. I'm tired of obesity. And for me, it seems my body naturally gravitates toward higher weights, especially if I do nothing. I'm very aware that for me, maintaining a healthy weight will require a diligent practice the rest of my life. And I'm finally at peace with that truth.

If this days worth of food doesn't look sufficient, it certainly feels so.

Breakfast



Snack



Lunch



Snack #2



Dinner



Snack #3



Perhaps my perspective will change someday, I'll get into lifting weights and I'll consume twice as many calories per day while training. But for now, this seems to be working well considering my level of activity.

It's interesting and somewhat of a coincidence that I actually went over my 1700 calorie budget today for the first time in nearly 50 days. I was adding my dinner into MyFitnessPal when I discovered a 50 calorie overage. Instead of immediately being consumed with panic and negative emotions, I calmly declared that it would likely end up about 150 over because I planned on some fruit while writing. I ended the day at 1,854.

I still felt a little tiny, itty bitty twinge of guilt for "breaking the bank," so to speak, but I didn't react irrationally, going off the deep end. It is what it is. I'm not perfect. I don't have to be. And that's all I have to say about that. Breaking the bank was actually good for my psyche. I did it and I handled it with love and compassion for myself. It's not a big deal and it doesn't mean I failed today. I did not fail today. Not at all.

Oh yeah--I didn't exercise today either. I gave myself permission to take a day off. My resolve is strong. My head is on straight. And I will proceed beautifully...Wonderfully right or pleasantly wrong.  My "perfection" is imperfection.

There were so many insightful and golden comments on yesterday's post. Thank you to everyone who added their thoughts and shared their experiences. I didn't have time to reply to each today, but I plan on going back tomorrow sometime and catching up.

My food diary is public on MyFitnessPal--username SeanAAnderson. My Twitter feed features pictures of everything I eat with calorie counts. These are tools of accountability for me.  A friend asked me if I was okay this evening and if I was feeling like a binge, and I replied--"If I do, you'll see it on my Twitter."

 I feel fine.

Thank you for reading and your support. I likely have one less friend in the UK after this post, I hope not--I mean, she meant well--she just didn't know how her words would effect me. BUT I seriously need to get over the idea that I can somehow be pleasing to everybody. That's a lifelong thing for me--always wanting to be liked and loved...and sacrificing whatever to get it... even when it meant sacrificing what I believed in or what was best for me. NO MORE.  There are people who don't like me and that's okay!! In fact, you may be reading this now thinking-- man, I can't stand this guy... Good for you!! Different strokes for different folks, I suppose.

As far as my tendency to be a people pleaser, I know what my straight talking fellow blogging friend Christine at "A Deliberate Life" would say, "CUT THAT SH*T OUT!" Except she wouldn't use an asterisk.

Goodnight,
Strength,
Sean
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Tuesday, June 3, 2014

June 3rd, 2014 Never Say Never

June 3rd, 2014 Never Say Never

The title of yesterday's blog "Free From All That Noise," was a celebration of sorts for walking into the YMCA yesterday afternoon with a positive/determined spirit. This attitude and perspective being a complete 180 from a Y trip not too long ago. Last night I declared "That breakthrough Y trip a while back literally set me free from all that noise."  I said it with a firm belief, 100% conviction, very similar, in fact--to the declarations I made while initially losing my weight. Remember, "I'll never see 400 pounds again," and "I'll never see 300 pounds again," and my favorite, "275 pounds gone forever!"  To say "never" suggests an all-knowing certainty. And let's be honest, none of us mere mortals possess that kind of power. I start tonight's edition with this as a way to say thank you to Janis, a reader of this blog with much appreciated insights, for challenging me to examine it further. And also because it's an important point to share.

Her comment on the June 2nd post:
"One quick comment -- glad to see you back, BTW -- about your experience at the Y. You may walk in one day in the future and for whatever reason feel insecure or nervous about being there. Don't be surprised or punked by this, just ride it out. The comment you made -- "That breakthrough Y trip a while back literally set me free from all that noise" -- indicates that you may still be thinking of these challenges as things that you can solve once and then be fine forever after. Unfortunately, all people tend to hit walls repeatedly. A problem that you think has been solved will probably rear its head again at some point in the future. It doesn't mean you failed, it doesn't mean that you're no good, and it doesn't mean that the original epiphany was worthless. It just means that, like all challenges, they're never fully solved.

So this is just a quick word of warning. You've already realized this about your relationship with food, but you may find it popping up regarding exercise as well. Be wary of thinking that any problem is solved once and then it never arises again. If you fall prey to that thinking, then when the problem arises again -- as it inevitably will -- you may end up thinking that the world is coming to an end when it's not. :-)"

I kind of felt like she was speaking to me from the future, like she could see it happening and was coming back here to warn me. It was a wonderful, extremely insightful, much appreciated and spot on analysis from her. 
Janis, sincerely, thank you.

I walked into the Y this afternoon, fresh from an internal struggle. I made light of it on Twitter, but it was a serious little tug of war in my head. One thought wanted to go straight home, relax, maybe take a short nap and postpone my workout until after my conference call support group tonight. The other thought was more concerned about time management and getting to bed at a decent hour for a change, insisting on getting in there and getting a nice workout in the books. The 2nd thought won out. I walked in to the Y feeling the same confidence and determination I did yesterday. I pray that I always feel this way and when I don't, I pray I'll remember Janis's wise words, "It doesn't mean you failed, it doesn't mean that you're no good, and it doesn't mean that the original epiphany was worthless. It just means that, like all challenges, they're never fully solved...you may end up thinking that the world is coming to an end when it's not."

I'm immensely grateful for the support I receive. It means the world to me.

As this blog progresses, some days are more average than others--and as much as I enjoy exploring things on a deep and personal level, some days will be just short recaps of the days events. This post isn't one of those, however--on days like that, I plan on adding a feature called The DDWL AMA (ask me anything).

I spend a good amount of time thoroughly answering email questions. I've decided to occasionally feature a question and answer from my email sean@transformationroad.com. I'll always ask permission to use the email question and at least the first name of the person asking the question.

I've written quite a bit lately about my near 100% abstinence from sugar and how it's affected me over the course of the last 40 plus days. Colleen asked a question recently and I replied with a long answer and a short answer:    

 Hi Sean,

 I love reading your blog every day!  Also your food always looks delicious!  I am also addicted to sugar and have one question. Will you ever go back to eating ice cream, cake, desserts ever again?

 Thanks, 
Colleen

My reply:

Thank you for your readership and support!! Great question.  Short answer at the end. But brevity has never been my strong suit... so...

This was one of the biggest points of contention for me since I started losing weight in 2008.
I lost 275 pounds eating cake, ice cream and desserts--all within reasonable portions at appropriate times.
Using prior success as a reference, It made it very hard to get to a place of acceptance for abstinence, where I am now.

How did I stay consistent for as long as I did, despite all the sugary foods in moderation?
In hindsight, I clearly see how my support and accountability system importance level was set so high, I didn't dare give in to the struggle, temptation and the obsessive like attraction to "getting more." There were a lot of prayers and meditation--surrounding myself with people, instead of isolating--and connecting as much as possible with a variety of support sources.

When I basically abandoned almost every support and accountability component I had leaned on for so long--then it was a very different dynamic. Suddenly I was dramatically weakened.
When the bio-chemical reactions of sugar addiction swirled through my brain, I followed it's lead without question--as if possessed. I traded one struggle for another. Instead of struggling against the compulsions to binge, I gave in--then struggled with the regret, shame and embarrassment associated with weight gain and the guilt associated with doing the very things I wanted to be diametrically opposed to. 

I was very much NOT wanting to let go of the sugar or, the option to enjoy it occasionally in portioned doses... My denial was slowly revealed and chipped away by learning. What ended up happening is, I kept researching the effects of sugar, specifically the addictive nature of it, and then as if I was destined to hear--I kept having conversations with people in recovery from food addiction---people who have what I want--years of maintenance behind them--and 100% of them said the same thing in relation to sugar and how it creates a bio-chemical reaction in our pleasure sensors---and then sets off the addictive cycle of, "I gotta have more and NOW!!!!" 

I can't say I'm 100% sugar free, because of my non-flavored plain coffee creamer. The tiny amount doesn't seem to have the same effect as larger more obvious amounts. I'm sugar free enough to experience the most amazing benefits I once thought were impossible to find for me. No binges and no urges to binge. So many people described their experience to me--and they described this feeling--but still, until I actually committed to the effort needed to personally "test" it, it was like they were speaking of some mythical fantasy. I do recognize that I have a similar and many ways stronger support and accountability system in place now--but even still--I'm not fighting to maintain control. There's a peace and calm about my approach that I'm absolutely in love with.  If trading the occasional sugar for this feeling is the deal...then I'll sign a lifetime contract. That's the long answer to my perspective.

Will I ever go back to eating ice cream, cakes and other sugar laden things? I pray I never do. My short answer is no, I don't plan on ever going back. I now know, understand and appreciate what I must do in order to stay abstinent.  I also know that if I ever decide to abandon the principles and practices of my personal recovery, I'll surely go straight back to the very familiar reality of an unmanageable and chaotic existence.

It's important to note that fortunately, not everyone is a food and/or sugar addict. For some, the basic fundamentals of eating less, exercising more and developing an "in moderation" approach to food is the answer. I wanted it to be my answer. And as much as I wanted to wish it into being--summoning the law of attraction and constantly telling myself I was someone who could be okay with a non-addict approach to recovery--I finally realized it wasn't me. And it's okay. I'm okay. And I have a wonderful, rich and fulfilling life ahead of me without sugar.

The acceptance of and fully embracing my personal truth of addiction, along with some life changing epiphanies about identity and self-worth, have sent me straight to a very positive place. I love this feeling and I wouldn't trade it for all the Snickers Bars and mint chocolate chip shakes in the world.  Truth is, all it takes for that transaction to happen is one Snickers or shake. 

I'm happily abstinent from sugar.

I hope all that was of help to you Colleen,
My best always,
Sean

 If you have a question to submit for The DDWL AMA, send it to Sean@transformationroad.com I'll do my best to answer it honestly and openly.

 I suppose I should have ended that reply with "I'm happily 97% abstinent from sugar." It certainly seems to be working for me. And I'm very happy it is...My goodness, it was getting pretty dark. Now it seems much brighter; better.

 After my workout I made a quick trip to the store for more pineapple (found it on sale again--this time $1.29 each! That's ridiculously cheap for a whole pineapple!), some chicken breasts, asparagus and grapes. I'm trying to ensure that I'm getting enough variety in the foods I enjoy. The 1700 calorie bank I'm allowing seems to be plenty. In fact, some days I'm falling a little short.

I came home and made "oven-fried" chicken breast (coated with water, dry potato flakes and seasonings), asparagus, red roasted potatoes topped with salt/pepper, garlic powder and mozzarella, plus a side of pineapple. It was an amazing dinner and definitely something different! I did learn something good to know... When I checked the calorie count and serving information on the bag of red potatoes it said the serving size was approximately 4 potatoes or 148g for 100 calories. Good thing I weigh and measure everything. I started to weigh 4 small potatoes and realized it was double the serving size. Two potatoes, not four as suggested by the "serving size," checked in at just under the 148g's. I've discovered this same discrepancy on a few other things. Now, I never go by their "approximate" anything--I weigh it for either ounces or grams depending on the item.

We had a fantastic group support conference call this evening. It felt wonderful to start another six week group! If you're ever interested in being involved, send me an email and I'll make sure you're notified of upcoming groups.

I'm hitting the pillow tonight feeling great about this day.  I'm reminding myself--stay calm and carry on one day at a time.  As the one and only Jack Sh*t recently commented, "Now you just need to keep on keeping on keeping on."

Indeed Jack. Thank you.

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean
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Monday, June 2, 2014

June 2nd, 2014 Free From All That Noise

June 2nd, 2014 Free From All That Noise

I managed to get to work this morning after a short three hours sleep. I could have pushed it an extra thirty minutes, but I knew if I did I wouldn't have time to prepare breakfast. This whole thing of taking time to take better care is something fairly new, at least on this level.  Not preparing breakfast isn't an option I'm allowing. I can remember several times in a similar situation where I would navigate the choices in a drive through as best I could or run into a convenience store foraging for something I could feel good about. I have those skills should I ever need to employ them in an emergency. It wasn't an emergency this morning.

I headed home after my show for a nap before returning in the afternoon. I prepared a fantastic lunch using a Joseph's 60 calorie pita, a turkey burger, mozzarella and some all natural sweet potato fries. I've started using the George Foreman grill at work and at home to "dry grill" sandwiches--or in the case of today's lunch, the pita. The results have been fantastic. No added calories while transforming it into a different experience, so good!

I found out that Monday afternoons around 5:30pm is the busiest time for a workout at the YMCA. I was lucky to find one machine open on the row and type I prefer. I'm still able to walk in there without even the slightest hesitation or negative feeling. I hold my head high, slip in my ear buds, turn on my music and I'm gone to another world where I can do anything.  I saw several people there whom I haven't seen in some time. Still--no feelings of shame or embarrassment. That breakthrough Y trip a while back literally set me free from all that noise.

I made a small grocery trip this evening. I don't like big grocery trips. I like small-focused trips. That's what this was tonight.  I enjoyed some whole wheat pasta, just to try something different. It's been in my cupboard a while. I usually avoid pasta, but in this case, I carefully measured all ingredients--so I was confident in what I was eating. I topped it with an all natural sugar free marinara with 2oz of lean ground beef.  A side of baked mushroom cap with marinara and mozzarella and some pineapple rounded out this interesting meal.

I've reached a point where I'm calming down and taking a very nice one day at a time approach.  Am I excited for the road ahead?? Oh yeah. Very. But I'm keeping my feet on the ground and maintaining the steps important to my recovery.

I welcome you to friend me on Facebook (www.facebook.com/seananderson505) and MyFitnessPal (myfitnesspal.com/seanaanderson) and of course my live-tweet Twitter account where I share pictures and calorie counts of every single thing I eat, everyday.

Speaking of, it's about time for my #lastfoodofday!

Life Coach Gerri Helms and I will kick off our next six week session of teleconference group support tomorrow night at 7 Central/8 Eastern/6 Mountain/5 Pacific. The group includes the weekly conference call, individual one-on-one attention, a private facebook group, plus email/text and call support when needed. It's truly a bargain at $60 for six weeks. If you have defined your goal for the next 6 weeks, let's get together in this group and create some outstanding additional support.
If you're interested in this awesome group, click this link: http://lifecoachgerri.com/events/your-missing-piece/ Due to technical limitations within our conference call service, this group is only available for people in the US and Canada.

Thank you for reading and your support!

My best,
Strength,
Sean
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