June 25th, 2014 It Wasn't Too Long Ago

June 25th, 2014 It Wasn't Too Long Ago

I spent most of the day with mom, taking her to an eye specialist appointment at the McGee Eye Institute in Oklahoma City. It was a wonderful experience as expected. We carefully packed "road lunches" before departing, each with a sandwich, cheese stick, three kinds of fruit and some wild rice chips. These served as both lunch and snacks along the way. It felt good to do the three P's: Plan, Prepare and Pack. I can't count the number of trips we've made over the years where the first stop was a convenience store for snacks or a fast food drive through on the way out of town. And if the trip involved going "to the big city," like today, then an elaborate plan to eat somewhere "special" was usually the main attraction. Would it be that big home style buffet on the South side or that Mexican all-you-can-eat place where whenever you want more food, you simply raise the flag? Yeah!! You don't even need to move from your seat!! Buffets where you actually have to get up and walk around? Forget that movement nonsense! Poncho's Mexican Buffet is full service, baby! I always thought they needed two flags on those tables, the miniature Mexican flag for more food and a white one for when one more bite could trigger a medical emergency.

As we drove past the Cracker Barrel, we joked about taking a detour and cutting loose on all things Cracker Barrel. We were clearly not serious. But not too long ago, I was very serious. I quickly turned the conversation straight when I shared with mom a secret I had kept for the last four or five months. I hadn't planned on telling anyone about this experience, ever. I just wanted to forget it and move forward. Driving past it today brought out humor at first, then the secret I kept. I decided to share a little of the story with mom today and I've decided to share that and the rest of the experience with you, in order to illustrate just how different things were not too long ago:

I don't remember the exact date, it was either February or March. I had just dropped a friend off at Will Rogers World Airport and was headed home when I suddenly felt compelled to take the Cracker Barrel exit. I had been obsessing about their gravy since the pass on the way to the airport and there I was, all alone with a chorus of demons steering me toward the exit. I didn't resist. I walked in and immediately scanned the area for people I might know. I didn't want to get caught. This trip would forever be between me and a server whom I didn't know, I thought. I ordered the chicken fried steak covered in sawmill gravy, with extra gravy and extra biscuits on the side. I finished the giant portions but I wasn't done. I ordered more biscuits and more gravy. I must admit, it was slightly embarrassing to ask for more. In order to do it, I had to pretend I was someone else--because how could I do this?? I kept telling myself, I'll never see this server again. She didn't know she had become the dealer for my addiction.

After finishing off at least six or seven biscuits and two bowls of gravy, not to mention the chicken fried steak, I decided to accept the dessert suggestion. Oh, she was good. Would I like some pie topped with ice cream?? "Oh I shouldn't, really." As if I was some kind of reasonable eater. "What the heck, let's do it. Sure."  I was so busy eating everything I had fantasized about, I barely noticed how sick I was feeling until I walked outside. That was a long, guilty, shameful walk to the vehicle. At one point I seriously thought I would throw up. It was too much food. I was miserable the rest of the night, physically, mentally and emotionally. If I felt hopeless before this food excursion, my feelings had just been confirmed. I was recklessly headed straight back to 500 pounds in a way that suggested my thoughts and actions were not my own, instead from some insatiable monster inside me.

The next day I vowed never again and I started doing well for a day or two, then it was right back to the Braum's Ice Cream and Dairy Store drive through for what had quickly become a very secretive late night habit of shakes and burgers before bed.

When you read words I write about how grateful I am for the peace and calm I enjoy today, now you get a sense of how deep that gratitude flows.

I've enjoyed more than two months of binge free living, more than two months 97% sugar free, more than two months of making additional support a priority and more than two months of not hiding anything. Posting a picture and calorie count of every bite, every day might seem excessive, but I don't look at it like that at all. It's necessary for me. I've gone from worrying this practice might be a big hassle to fully embracing and loving the record it's creating. It only works with extreme honesty. I understand, the second I eat something without the photo and tweet in a deviously secretive way, that's the moment it will unravel quickly and tragically. In this state of acceptance, matched with willingness, a solid determination and iron-clad integrity, I'm experiencing something like never before. Not even during my initial weight loss did I feel this much peace. I'm worth the extra effort. Recovery feels good, life affirming, really--after feeling hopeless, lost and scared in the grips of a powerful relapse. I hereby pledge to protect my recovery with the tools and practices successfully used by the countless people before me who continue to this day, living a peace that once seemed impossible to attain.

Will there be struggles? Of course. And when struggle returns, it's up to me to immediately use the tools and practices of successful recovery in order to correct.  One day at a time.

Mom's appointment at the specialist was a good one. She has a macular pucker on the back of her right eye. It doesn't require surgery right now and it doesn't seem to be negatively affecting her vision too much right now. The doctor set her up for a 6 month return in order to track its progress. If the sight stays relatively stable, no surgery. If it worsens, they'll operate. Mom felt good about the trip and outcome. Going in, she was convinced he might want to operate on her eye immediately--and this scared her. I felt her relief when she realized this wasn't the case.

After both of us started falling asleep in the various waiting rooms we toured over the course of three hours, we decided a coffee was in order before the return trip to Stillwater.  Our visit wasn't focused on a "big city" restaurant visit, it was focused on quality time together--visiting, discussing--and laughing, then laughing some more and more.  Of course we planned a nice dinner out upon returning home at one of our favorite places.

We decided to share a single 1/2 order of chicken fajitas for dinner. Notice, of the handful of times I've eaten out in the last couple of months--fajitas, be it Hawaiian or simple chicken, have been the go-to order.  I like it because it feels easily manageable. I have a pretty easy Mexican restaurant strategy to follow: If I do the chips (and I did), I separate mine from the bowl--count out my serving and that's mine--no more...eat 'em slow or fast, when they're gone--that's it. I ask for corn tortillas instead of flour (saves anywhere from 25-50 calorie per tortilla) and I choose to pass on the calorie dense rice and beans. I can confidently get in and out of a restaurant with these fairly simple rules.  And it's not like I'm sitting there miserable the entire time because I'm not indulging in loads of chips and dips and sour cream enchiladas--My focus is shifted to the ones I'm sharing the meal with, in this case Mom...it's more an opportunity to relax and enjoy one another's company, rather than get stuffed.  For me, once this shifted perspective is embraced, it dramatically changes the dynamics.

I took mom home, grabbed my lunch supplies from earlier (she was excited about me leaving her some pitas and rice chips!) and headed for Boomer Lake on the North part of my hometown. I had an off day from exercise yesterday, so I wanted to make sure I had a good one tonight. I couldn't have made it back in time for the YMCA, so a good 5K walk was in order. And it was great.

Thank you for reading! You can follow along on Twitter by clicking www.twitter.com/seanaanderson and if you're on MyFitnessPal, friend me! My username is SeanAAnderson.

Strength,
Sean

Mother-Son Selfie right before my departure tonight

June 12th, 2014 Not My First Rodeo

June 12th, 2014 Not My First Rodeo

My decision to come home last night and nap turned out to be a very good one. I headed to the studio not long after posting last night's edition and didn't get in bed until after 3:30am. I was back up at 5am nursing a cup of coffee and reassuring myself I would return immediately after my morning show for a much needed extended nap. I still prepared a good breakfast, even though--honestly, I didn't feel like doing anything other than sleep. I had a good show despite little sleep. It's strange, unless I'm "body breaking down" tired, I can turn it on when the On-Air light is lit.

Several months ago when my sleep apnea situation was at its worse, I was losing my ability to hide the effects on-air. Aside from the obvious negative physical and mental effects of exhaustion, the worsening of my voice and on air demeanor was one of the big wake up calls urging me to seek help quickly. I had numerous mornings back then when I'd wake up after several hours with a racing heartbeat, headache from oxygen deprivation and a feeling like I had been fighting for my life all night long. No wonder I didn't feel like taking care of myself in other ways. Eating well and exercising regularly was pretty far down the list of priorities. Possibly having a heart attack in the middle of the night suddenly became something I worried about all the time. When I finally said, "I can't do this anymore" and sought help, that's when this turnaround started. Granted, I wasn't back immediately--it did take some time, But wow---it feels amazing to be back where I am now after sliding so far down.

These days when my schedule turns horrible like it did last night and today, a good-quality nap gives me more energy than any amount of sleep back then. It was never the quantity, always the quality.

I wasn't able to get away from the studio until 10:30am. I came home, prepared a light snack and tried to settle down enough for sleep. It took me a little while, but I was finally able to get a solid 2.5 hour nap before preparing and packing a lunch and returning for a full afternoon in the production studio. I finished my production at 5:30pm then raced down the street to exchange my personal vehicle for the station vehicle in preparation for my location broadcast at the 101 Wild West Rodeo from 6-8pm. Time was tight. I still had to hurry home, change clothes, prepare a snack to hold me until a late dinner, then get to the arena by 6pm.

I cruised onto the rodeo grounds right on time as if I had casually made my way out. I literally had to stop and catch my breath at one point. Tonight was the opening night and it's marked by the opening night free rodeo barbecue. Here we are with the free food opportunities again! I didn't go near the tent housing the free food. And better than that, it wasn't a struggle to avoid. I had my plan in place. I brought some fruit and I knew a dinner I'd feel good about was waiting for me back at home. I remember last year...oh my...two people brought free barbecue sandwiches to the broadcast vehicle. I quietly ate one and a half of them last year. Nobody brought me sandwiches this year or maybe they did, but I was moving all around the arena, interviewing people and being active. Perhaps I missed the free food givers. Darn.

I wouldn't have taken a bite, not one. This clarity and focus, and bigger--this peace I'm feeling is something I don't ever want to lose. I could easily throw it away at anytime if I'm not doing the work needed to take the best care I can. This is a major difference for me. During my initial weight loss, I reached a point where I kind of felt invincible. It was a foolish belief and after walking that tight rope for longer than I should have, I did eventually fall. I don't feel invincible now. My attitude and perspective has shifted dramatically, but still--I have a much greater respect for the overall power of this thing. I seem to be doing what is working well for me today. And I pray I'll approach each day as one, and do those things again and again. Honestly, regaining a considerable amount of my initial loss is proving to be exactly what I needed, when I needed it.

My shoes were all muddy after trekking all over the outdoor arena and my plan to workout at the Y tonight looked as if it would be preceded by a good shoe washing and scrubbing. Or, I could go buy a new pair of shoes. I've needed a new pair for a while but I always hesitate to buy things even when I know I need them. Thank you muddy arena for pushing me toward doing something nice for myself!

I bought my shoes and headed home to change for the YMCA. I was feeling slightly hungry, like my metabolism burned up the fruit snack and was demanding something more. I prepared some fat/sugar free refried beans with a little green chili sauce and used Beanitos all natural pinto bean chips as the vehicle to get the dip into my face. Yes...I used beans to eat my beans. Interesting. It was delicious and exactly the protein I needed to get through my workout and home for dinner.

All of my food pictures and exercise excursions along with some occasionally humorous tweets, can be found and followed (if you're into that type of thing) by visiting www.twitter.com/seanaanderson  You do not need a twitter account to view my page and tweets.

Also, if you use MyFitnessPal like I do, then you're welcome to friend me there too! My food diary is set to public.

It's been a long day and even though I have another location broadcast at the rodeo tomorrow night and Saturday's location broadcast schedule runs 11am-8pm, I'm confident I'll stay prepared and ready for whatever comes along. The good news is, we're not expecting severe storms for a couple of days, so no sudden and complete wrecking of my sleep schedule! Now, if I can just get everything in that I want to do daily and still get to bed at a decent time. That remains one of my biggest challenges lately.

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean

May 25th, 2014 Human Nature

May 25th, 2014 Human Nature

Carrying all of the equipment last night made me incredibly sore today. Wow. I guess I could say I had two workouts yesterday! I gave myself a break today on my workout  and it was good. I plan on doing a 5K walk tomorrow.  Thanksgiving 2008 was the first "Anderson Family Holiday 5K," and other holiday 5K's followed, so tomorrow I'll bring it back. Not today though...my goodness. When the rain was pouring and I feared my equipment might get destroyed, I carried heavy things quickly. I didn't even think about it, I just knew I had to get them somewhere dry. The soreness isn't a, "I hurt myself" kind of soreness, it's a good kind of sore, I suppose.

Food planning went well today. If you're a regular Twitter follower of mine, thank you! The accountability the commitment creates has proven to be remarkable. Every bite, every day...picture and calorie count. I've really embraced it and had fun with it along the way.

I visited my grandson Noah today. I had him all to myself for about 45 minutes. We had a fantastic time. He motivates me and inspires me to take better care. He's going to have a very young and active grandpa, for sure! We eventually watched some SpongeBob together and it's amazing how he becomes mesmerized while watching. Courtney tells me that he eats more when there's a TV within his view.  No TV, he eats much less. SpongeBob on, he'll mindlessly open his mouth for more. Isn't that interesting?? As someone who has done a bunch of mindless eating in front of a TV screen, I see how this might be a natural human thing. I mean, really--he's 10 months. He's so fascinating and smart! And he loves my phone...loves it.

I prepared a dinner for Amber and KL this evening. It was nice sharing a meal with them. I always LOVE our conversations. I grilled some chicken thighs and drumsticks with asparagus. It was something different. That's one of the biggest challenges I've had over the course of the last month, plus--having enough variety. I like what I like and I never force myself to eat something I don't. What I do like, I tend to have it often.  Preparing something new this evening was a good practice.

One thing I've noticed lately is not being hungry between meals. I believe in the "eat something every 3-4 hours" advice, because I get how the metabolism is like a wood burning stove.  Lately though, I'm just not hungry between meals. I do find myself occasionally having a planned snack because "it's time to give my metabolism something to work with," and I suppose that's okay. I certainly don't know everything about nutrition and the science behind it all, not even close, actually. And I'd really like to keep things very simple. What are your thoughts on this topic? If you're not hungry, do you skip the snack or eat it in the name of fueling your metabolism?  I'm afraid if I only ate when I'm hungry, I'd barely hit 1,000 calories a day. I'm not complaining at all. It's just something to ponder.

This is probably one of the shortest and quickest updates in recent memory.  You're welcome to see the food I eat on Twitter (link above) and friend me on MyFitnessPal, I'm SeanAAnderson on MFP.

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean

April 30th, 2014 The Importance of Importance Level

April 30th, 2014 The Importance of Importance Level

If you enter the term "Importance Level" into the search box at the top of this blog, you'll get back a bunch of results. I've written about it many times because it is crucial to my recovery and success. Importance level isn't defined by words. It's defined by actions.  Deliberate actions.  And speaking from experience, it's something that can easily slip long before we're even aware of the slippage. That's why I'm being extra diligent, extra aware--you can even say the word "obsessed," that's cool with me, because if you're going to be obsessed about something, taking extraordinary care has the fewest drawbacks.

Documenting my food intake through the MyFitnessPal diary and food pics with calorie counts on Twitter has been an added diligent practice I didn't do while initially losing weight. I didn't even write things down back then, opting instead to keep track of my calories in my head with a running total always front and center in my brain.  It worked.  I was wildly successful without these added accountability tools.  I need them now. It's interesting, with most anything else, once you successfully do it, subsequent times are usually easier.  Maintaining a balance with food and exercise, losing weight as a result and taking extraordinary care seem to be something of the opposite. These added tools are important for me.

My Wednesday was a little more stressful because it was the last day of the month. I navigated the calorie budget well, stayed busy and still found time to take care of me.  It was late by the time I hit the walking trail, and I almost took another pass--until I realized, wait a second--I took a pass yesterday, I can't take another.  If the schedule is putting me on the trail at 9:30pm, when I need to be in bed--then I need to take more control of the schedule.  I decided that even if I only made it around once (.83 miles), it would still be a victory.  Once I got out there, I made it around twice and back to the car for 1.7 miles.  Bonus!

Backing up a little-- I had a quick grocery shopping trip in the middle of the day and I tried something a little different.  I put in my ear buds and listened to music that motivates and inspires me, while I shopped.  I turned it off when I got in line, of course--but the effect while shopping was fantastic.  I zipped in, right past all the stuff I didn't need and straight to the things I was after.  Nothing, no errant thoughts or compulsions--just feeling good and motivated, inspired while grabbing what I needed...and nothing I didn't.  I think I may take more and more musical grocery shopping trips.

Last night's dinner out was interesting and challenging. I had a planned dinner at an Italian restaurant--and it was complimentary, so how could I say no?  Well, actually I could have said no.  But I was confident I could navigate the selections well. The first thing that comes to mind is to be extra cautious and I was. I ordered a grilled chicken breast and grilled shrimp. I had a tomato based chicken and veggie soup as an appetizer.  When the plate arrived it looked loaded.  The chicken was buried under tomatoes, mozzarella and what appeared to be severely under-cooked bacon.  The side of spaghetti with a simple tomato and spice sauce looked much worse than it was.  I enjoyed the chicken breast minus all the stuff loaded on top, the shrimp and part of the spaghetti. I left feeling confident about my choices and my calorie budget was intact--barely, but intact none the less.  There are some things I could have done differently to make it easier and I'll implement those things the next time I'm offered a complimentary meal in the middle of a calorie bank minefield.

Another good day in the books. Thursday promises to be much less stressful and that's good!  I have a special guest on my show Thursday morning from Serbia. He's in town to study our chamber of commerce and tourism department. Looking forward to the show!

If you're inclined, you can follow me on Twitter: @SeanAAnderson Twitter is where I post the majority of my food pics along the way.  MyFitnessPal username is SeanAAnderson --where I keep a food/menu and exercise diary.

My importance level is very high!

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean

Why I Do What I Do

Why I Do What I Do

Someone asked me the other day why I share the way I do and why it's so important to me. They suggested, in their opinion, I sometimes "over-share." They were interested in the motivation behind my efforts.  Is it for attention? To be loved? To feel important? Is it the product of some kind of deep seeded deficiency dating back to childhood? 

My response started with a question. What is it about what I do, that stirs you to the point of having these questions? Do I touch a nerve or two? Does what I write and share occasionally hit home on points too uncomfortable to handle, so instead of questioning yourself, your defenses go up in the form of questioning my motivation? 

Only two people have ever witnessed my raw, emotional reaction when I receive an email or facebook message from someone sharing their story with me. Nothing reduces me to tears faster than reading some of the most sincere, empowering words from someone who is finding their inner strength to choose change. When I tell someone I'm overjoyed for them, I mean it. 
I suppose it's very hard for some to grasp. 

This blog started as a tool for me, for my benefit. I started it to keep me focused and true to myself with the added accountability factor of a publicly shared journal. This blog was a way for me to dissect, analyze and unravel the inner mysteries keeping me over 500 pounds for so many years. Very few people followed along, reading each post, before AOL ran a feature story on their home page. Then things started changing. I started connecting with more and more people and I started realizing how this wasn't just helping me, it was helping others. Did I get caught up in the commotion of it all? Perhaps. But nothing brings me back home to the most raw, emotional place--like reading someone else's story of liberation.

I write this blog for me. It must be for me, first and foremost. If it wasn't, then I would have continued a song and dance during the darkest periods of regain. Instead, I retreated from what was best for me in many different ways. Some say it would have been helpful to read the "off the rails" version of things...And I get that, but again--where I was wasn't a place inspiring me to write anything helpful to me or anyone else, really. Coming back and sharing about where I've been and where I want to go, is as good as I can do. 

Occasionally, I might write a piece as if I were in the middle of the fall--kind of a time traveling concept...might be fun and therapeutic for me.  But maybe not. I mean really, could be kind of scary. 

I also don't do this for money. Yes, I would very much enjoy doing what I do for a living and there isn't anything wrong with that at all. But to this point, the relatively small financial reward hasn't been a big component of what I do (Just ask my creditors!). 

The last sentence of my Day 1 entry still holds true, "I believe it will help me stay on track and maybe along the way it will inspire someone else to stay on track."  Pretty simple.

That's what it's all about. I don't do what I do for attention, for love, to feel important or any other slightly bent off-center motivation. I do it for me, to help me and when what I do in helping myself affects someone else in a positive way, it's the most wonderful bonus of all. 

I am loved. I am important. And those facts were true long before The Daily Diary of A Winning Loser or Transformation Road came along.  

There's still plenty of road ahead. And I'm honored you're choosing to ride along. Thank you.

Jon in Wisconsin is someone who's story completely moved me. He's blogging now on Spark People, so if you have a Spark People account, I highly recommend connecting with him. His Spark People ID: WEWRTFO 
He recently wrote a blog entry about how we came to know one another. Here's an excerpt:

------------

Back in February of 2012 I stumbled upon his book on Amazon, at the time I did not know Sean. I found the reading of the book absolutely riveting and powerful. Being similar weight, height and body type the motivation from his book hit me like a home run. At the time I was a very private person and not one willing to discuss my own weight issues with others. 

I took at chance and emailed Sean hoping for a response. Here are some quotes from my original email. 

( " thank you for help me grasp, come to terms with what I need to do, have been wanting to do, have been putting off the past 20 years.") ("Yeah, definitely over ready almost as if your book was written for me. The mental aspect part of it and being accountable for my own actions.") ("Perhaps what sticking most in my mind is I see a mirror image of myself reading your book.") 

I was very excited having Sean respond. Here is some very powerful quotes I will never forget in the first email Sean sent me. 

("Okay--after reading your story--I must say, I can't wait to see your transformation!!! Jon--you're discovering something so wonderfully liberating....You have the key---and you're free now...The weight will come off without struggle when you exercise this power you have to choose change.") ("on--this is about getting to know yourself---and getting super self-honest with yourself. You have all of the answers already. Look in the mirror and realize---when you do---you're looking at the only person in the world that's gonna do this like no other--or fail...either way---in the mirror is the one responsible for the turnout....Nobody else--and nothing else....no person, place, thing, circumstance, emotion----Nope....)") 
"(Steel curtain zone it, Jon....Tighten your SCZ---and decide you're going to live like never before. Jon---YOU ARE GOING TO LIVE LIKE NEVER BEFORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ") 

Back in February of 2012 this was very powerful motivation, a man who truly cares about helping others with there own weight issues, and have stayed in touch with Sean ever since. If not for Sean, I would not be blogging or have created my Spark People page. Since February 2012 I often visit Sean's blog archive or read his newest post. Sometimes pick up his book or exchange emails. My one constant go to source that has enabled me to get to the point where I am at today. I encourage anybody who has not read Sean's book, please do so. Thank's Sean for being such a great friend and motivator! 

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This is why I do what I do.

The only thing missing from my response to Jon back then, was how important it is to connect with your spiritual side. Whatever that is, is totally up to you and your understanding. And for some, this connection is very natural, going hand in hand with making changes. But for me it's been a learned element through trial and error. I've always been one to learn things the more challenging way. But in that, I've learned a great deal I might not have otherwise. We're not alone along this road, ever. 

Someone who recently purchased one of my "I'm Choosing Change" adjustable leather bracelets
sent a very nice message describing her recent grocery store situation:

"Today is two weeks since I started eating healthy again and exercising minimally , but have managed to lose 10lbs. At the store last night, for no good reason other than habit, I walked up to the ice cream section, opened the door and reached for my all time favorite non-narcotic drug of choice, but mid-reach, as I spotted my bracelet, I thought to ask myself if the calories and self- loathing to follow my treat will be worth it, and I imagined you and all of your supporters there with me in that moment, as I allowed the door to close. I continued to shop, without a battle raging in my head for and against the ice cream. It was like an out of body experience thinking of all the other people out there who say no too, and made it, in that moment, easier than it has ever been in my recent memory to walk away empty handed. Thanks Sean"

Reading this also empowers me! Do you think I could possibly be in the frozen "treats" section of my local grocery store without remembering this message? No way. We've helped her. And she's helped us. 

This is why I do what I do.

I would love for you to connect with me on My Fitness Pal (SeanAAnderson), Facebook (facebook.com/seananderson505) and Twitter (@SeanAAnderson). Each of these social media platforms have a different type content and do different things for me. I post a bunch of food pictures to Twitter. My daily food diary is public on My Fitness Pal and Facebook is a place where I connect with friends the most, often through what I call "micro-blogs" and various other postings.

Quick update on where I am: I'm keeping a 1700 calorie budget. I haven't been exercising regularly, yet, and that's okay for the moment. I'm having another sleep study the night of the 14th to at last determine the proper therapy enabling me to finally feel fully rested. My doctors appointment that was the 11th had to be rescheduled for the 17th and that's when I'll have my first official weigh-in since "coming back to life." I'll continue with monthly weigh-ins from that point forward.

I sincerely appreciate your continued support,
Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean

The Intersection of Hope and Truth

The Intersection of Hope and Truth

As I move forward, I find the trek is different than before.  It's a trek affected by so many variables contributed by my success, struggles and my most sincere desires of today and for tomorrow.  As someone who, at my heaviest, was a source of constant excuses and rationalizations--and then chose to rise above them in every way, I'm acutely aware and much less accepting of anything resembling an excuse or rationalization.  Is it a case of being too hard on myself?  No.  Clearly not... It's simply a place of understanding where excuses and rationalizations for not doing the best I can, are clearly identified as such--and unless they're legitimate (and they rarely are), I automatically see through them and that takes me to a deeper place in thought.  Knowing and understanding this excuse vs. action dynamic doesn't exclude anyone from struggle--Lord knows I've proved this to be true in many ways.  Once the truest nature of the excuse/rationalization dynamic is revealed--it leaves only one option: Action.  As in, doing.

Okay--so there is another option, sure--but it requires a retreat into the dark abyss of denial--a place where we forcefully ignore the truth in what we've learned about ourselves, a place where we deny our proven capabilities in exchange for self-destruction despite knowing a better way.  Why would we choose this less than desirable option?  Because it doesn't require much effort.  It's easy--we flip a switch to the off position and we proceed--occasionally reminded of the better way--and pushing it back further anyway.

Recovery takes effort.  The rewards are enormous.  The alignment with our truest desires for internal peace and happiness is found in our thoughts and actions, the doing--and there's peace to be found, instead of turmoil, instead of struggle, instead of running against the grain of good--there's peace, harmony and success--just waiting for us to break free from whatever is holding.  And isn't it a massive revelation when we discover the only thing truly holding us back, is our own thoughts?

I was so moved by a recent email I received, I decided to bring out the essence of the message for discussion on my facebook page.  I've received several similar messages over the last four-plus years--but for some reason, this one just hit me harder...And it probably did because my recent struggles have taken me back--re-acquainting me with the thoughts and feelings described.

First of all--any email anyone sends me is private--and with this respect and consideration in mind, I asked the sender for permission to share--even though she wouldn't be identified in the least.  I've done this before because sharing and relating is important, one on one--and with anyone who might be helped by the exchange.  The facebook post received several replies--including one from Dave--the radio personality across the studio hallway from me.  Of course I know Dave as much more than a radio guy--he has experience and wisdom about many things---especially recovery.


The facebook post: 

"A message I received yesterday: “I'm so lost and hopeless at this point. Why can't I grab control and do this? It feels impossible.” Where you are is a familiar place for so many of us. You're not alone. The negative emotions you're feeling and these thoughts are not giving you an accurate perception of reality. Because reality is, there's hope. And there's plenty of people who are living and managing—and at first glance, it may appear they have it “easy.” I assure you, they're no different than you and me. There's an army of support for you. Just know, you have it inside you—this seemingly impossible ability to choose change—I guarantee it's there. Release the anxiety laden thoughts trying to convince you otherwise. How do I know it's inside you? Because I once (and a few times since) felt exactly the way you've described...and I found it in me."

Dave's reply:

"If I comment on Sean's status it is usually to give Sean a hard time, which he takes in stride and good humor, but today I want to share something in hopes it might reach the person who sent Sean the message about being "lost and hopeless". You see, I once felt profoundly lost and hopeless. Those feelings were horrible, but what I didn't know at the time was that those feelings were about to be the very thing that helped me break free to a new life more wonderful than I could have ever imagined. 25 years ago I had reached the end of my rope and it was all I could do to just hang on. Then I let go of the rope with one hand and reached out for help. I couldn't believe it when the people who answered my cry for help told me to let go with the other hand too! I thought, "Cant you see I'm barely hanging on here!?!" They explained to me that what I was holding onto wasn't going to help me. In fact I was holding on to my old self, my old way of thinking. They shared with me that I felt lost because I was lost, my old map was never going to help me because I was following it when I got lost. They also said I felt hopeless because hanging onto my old beliefs was no hope and deep down I obviously knew it. I couldn't argue with them because they made too much sense AND I could tell by the way they talked that they had been right where I was and had found a way out. Well I did let go, against everything in me crying out to hang on, I let go. What I found was that I did NOT plummet to my demise as all my fears had told me I would if I let go. Instead I was for the first time in a long time free. I was free from the strongest bondage that can ever exist. Those are the bonds that hold me in place, not because they are unbreakable, but because I cling to them. So if you feel lost I encourage you to look around and realize you are lost. And if you feel hopeless know that only by reaching out for help can you find hope. Real hope, real change. After all, as it was for me, I'll bet it is the same for you: All my best thinking got me lost and hopeless. Quit hanging on. Let go and fly."

That's golden.  Thank you Dave!

To me, letting go and flying is about opening my mind to the spiritual side of this journey.  Praying for strength, reaching out to friends and continuing to take one step at a time in a direction I undoubtedly know is right and good.

There is hope for all of us.  Recovery isn't reserved for the lucky few--it's claimed by anyone who truly desires and is willing to walk in the direction of their individual truth.  It doesn't have to be some grand movement--just positive movement forward with faith, intent and deliberate action.

Speaking of deliberate action... While I'm sweating on the elliptical this afternoon--getting lost in my music and pushing myself toward a good workout, I'll be reinforcing positive thoughts about this entire journey.  With intimate knowledge and experience on both sides of the mental battle, I've learned something I keep repeating every chance I can: Our thoughts have real power. We gravitate toward these thoughts--and so, minding them is just as important as planning our meals and scheduling our workouts.

I plan on weighing again Wednesday.  I look forward to sharing more of my progress along the way as I proceed to lose what I've gained.  I say this, knowing that recovery isn't simply measured by pounds on a scale.  It's measured by the level of care and importance we give to ourselves and our journey...and when we're moving forward and taking care of the inner workings of our mind--the outer results come as a side-effect.  My best to you--and thank you for reading.

Choosing change,
Sean

Staying In The Present

Staying In The Present

Yesterday was my two year anniversary of hitting goal.  (Click here to see the post from Goal Day) It was a magical day I'll never forget. I had mentioned it earlier in the week on facebook, yet I DID forgot about it all day yesterday.

How could I forget?

It was a very busy Friday in radio land with my morning show, commercial production and a remote broadcast from 1 to 5pm.  Not once did I reflect on the significance of the day.  I focused exclusively on staying within the limits of my calorie budget.

It's appropriate really.  I've spent way too much time celebrating my victory and not enough time taking care of myself in order to maintain.  Instead of celebrating yesterday, I was planning my strategy for a successful food day.  I was staying in the present.  Being aware; realizing these are critically important times for my development is a constant focus.

I made sure to get up early enough to prepare and pack items to get me through an eleven hour day.  I started with an egg white/mozzarella/turkey bacon breakfast taco with a couple extra strips of turkey bacon.  I packed apples, carrots, and yogurt as snacks for the long day ahead.  I came home and prepared lunch right before my 1pm broadcast.  A good lunch was exactly what I needed, insuring I wouldn't feel hungry when the free pizzas arrived during the event.  Because yes--free pizzas, and plenty of them are a regular feature of many of these.  Of course hunger, with or without, hasn't necessarily been a binge factor to me.  In other words, I never had to be physically hungry to dive into a binge.  Not being hungry during the broadcast would be one of the elements helping me avoid the free pizza table, but really--probably the smallest element.

Learning how I react to certain foods has been and continues to be an ongoing education.  Identifying my personal trigger foods is invaluable information for my continued success.  Identifying foods and meals that satisfy me without torturing my resolve, without triggering the compulsive side is equally important.



This lunch was a delicious 300 calories.  It was satisfying and it didn't send me into a feeding frenzy fight for my life.

I ignored the pizza table at my broadcast.  Two different people suggested "better grab some pizza" and "there's pizza back there..."

Yeah...I know exactly where to find the pizza.  I also know where I want to be mentally and physically and a mid-afternoon pizza snack doesn't fit into that plan. "Thank you, I'm good" was my response.

By the way--My broadcast was at a water company.  It was a nice reminder to up my water consumption.  Getting enough water has been an ongoing challenge over the last four years.

I finished my day with turkey burgers (yes two) and a late walk in the park.  It was a very nice anniversary day.

Thank you for reading, goodnight and...

Good Choices,
Sean

I Needed This

I Needed This


The past two days have been extremely good.  I've stayed within my calorie budget and exercised both days.  I've started each morning with spiritual prayer and meditation.  I've taken time and care in planning my food strategy too.  I once again feel strong and confident.  I feel driven in a positive direction.

I've been inspired, motivated, moved to tears and absolutely energized by the outpouring of support.  I actually planned on returning to regular blogging sooner--in fact, shortly before my 41st birthday October 23rd I proudly proclaimed on facebook my return to regular blogging as a "birthday gift to myself."  My birthday came and went and still I avoided this blog page.

I was truly scared of what I might find.  Fear of rejection.  Fear of being called a fraud.  Fear of being reminded of some of my very own words, like "knowing too much to ever go back" and "nothing is off limits," among other writings and beliefs in the archives of this blog. It's important to remember something else I've said from the very beginning: I'm not an expert and I don't know everything.  All I've learned along this road continues to evolve and with experience and more learning, becomes subject to modification.  It's like transformation experimentation.

These irrational fears couldn't have been further from the truth.  In fact, the opposite is the true reality.  And this is where I realize something critical.

I needed this relapse.  I needed this challenge.  I truly needed to be humbled and shown the truth of my addiction once again.  I needed to learn more.  And I'll remain open minded and learn still more as we go.  Where I found myself and where I find myself today was and is imperative to my growth toward my ultimate goals and dreams. 

Words cannot express how grateful I am for your understanding.

In the middle of the last six months, I started to worry about the very real possibility of returning to 300, 400 or even 500 pounds. When you're feeling so lost and hopeless, it seems like the only possible outcome.

In the depths of a spiral, it's like we're divided into two opposite personalities. It's a classic good vs. evil struggle. If we're discouraged, depressed and failing to plan, this weakened state makes standing up against inexplicable compulsions almost impossible. Giving in weakens us even more until we're totally dominated. At this point, the hopeless feelings; the idea of never finding a way to once again grab control becomes oppressive, all consuming, desperate, suffocating and lonely. 

If this is where you find yourself, you're not alone and it isn't hopeless, I promise.  Reach out, first spiritually--in whatever way that means to you, ask for help.  Then, reach out to anyone around you, far and near by giving your struggle a voice.  It's incredible how quickly this can snap you back into the mindset needed to break free again.

Over the next however long it takes, I'll return to a healthier body weight and I'll do it with a greater appreciation and respect for the dynamics of food addiction and emotional compulsive eating.

I'll also work on being a little more compassionate toward me.  Several have noticed how harsh I can be on myself.  As one put it, "You treat others with so much compassion, yet you have little for yourself."  Wow... They're right. This will be another well learned lesson along the way. 

In the tradition of this blog, I look forward to once again sharing many pictures, videos and various other elements along the way.

Tonight, before I wrap this up--I wanted to share a couple of photos of me with very special people.  My maternal grandmother (Edith Irene Anderson) passed away in May.  I've written about her and posted pictures of her throughout the journey, so I wanted you to know.

My big brother Clarke Hodson also passed away in early September.  Clarke was my big brother in the Big Brothers/Big Sisters program.  If you've read my book, then you might remember the six or seven paragraphs where I described my relationship with him.

As I approached goal, grandma would advise "don't you lose another pound!"  It was her loving way of saying she loved me unconditionally.  And she did, at 505 or 230--no matter, I always had her love and could feel how incredibly proud she was of me.  She would often talk about the time she enjoyed watching me sing on stage with the Poncan Opry Band.  Even though Alzheimer's disease was robbing her memories, it was one of the few that remained.

I was incredibly honored when the family insisted I be with them during Clarke's funeral.  I was such a lucky kid... The program could have paired me with anyone and I was fortunate enough to get to know Clarke.

Thank you for reading, goodnight and...

Good Choices,

Sean