December 13th, 2016 Justify The Jump
The bakery items started filling our studio lobby shortly before 8am. It's a big promotion in support of a client's Christmas bakery sales. Every single item they make--piled up in boxes, sitting there--free to anyone and everyone on staff. This happens twice a year, right before Thanksgiving and then before Christmas. Today was the day.
I'll spare you the picture. Actually, I didn't take a picture this time, so I couldn't even if I wanted to share a picture.
I'm so grateful to be where I am along this road. Not white-knuckling through an event like this is a monumental thing to me. The physical and actual biochemical difference abstaining from refined sugar has created, is something I truly don't want to lose. It's peace and calm vs. chaos. I choose peace and calm.
If the thought of diving into the pies and other bakery items starts to creep in, my brain seems to assess the consequences on a much grander scale than it did during the days of my reckless abandon.
What's different from all those other times when I would have gorged my face off?
I think the main things missing are the intentional self-destructive lies created to justify the jump. There's a code of self-honesty involved--a realness about what a slice of pie would mean to me.
It isn't about the pie, by the way.
For me, it's about the trigger the pie trips in my addicted brain and then, after the awakening of that area in my head, it's the domino effect of destructive decisions in the coming days, weeks, months--and in some experiences of my past, years. Suddenly a 400 calorie slice of pie can become a massive relapse/regain.
Thank goodness not everyone is like me.
For someone who can handle refined sugar in concentrated forms without tripping a binge trigger--for anyone who can "take it or leave it," or truly only have a bite or two and be done, that's awesome. But I know from experience, I cannot. And after nearly 1,000 days of abstinence--and where it's brought me--I'm perfectly fine with this "agreement."
Once I discovered joys in my life didn't come exclusively from food, I lost some of the anxiety surrounding the release of my dependency. Once I realized a binge couldn't fix things, I was suddenly in a position to seek alternative and real methods of action and support. I didn't seek real methods of action and support for years upon years, because I used excess food as an answer to most everything. And even though it never delivered the promise, I plowed straight ahead, trying and trying again.
I still enjoy food. I enjoy great food. But I don't put all the pressure on food to somehow deliver me to blissful states of oblivion.
You simply can't unknow some things. Once certain things are discovered to be true, their truth can't be denied.
It can be willfully ignored!!
And that is why I work on my plan each day. I know I'm always capable of somehow justifying the jump straight into a state of relapse. It seriously doesn't matter how many days I string together-- if ever I think I'm cured, a harsh reminder will come quickly.
I no longer post the Tweets to this blog, but they still exist on my Twitter account. You're welcome to follow my daily food live-tweets on Twitter @SeanAAnderson You'll find an archive of over 2.5 years--every meal, every day. It's simply an accountability tool for me. It helps keep me.
My food diary on MyFitnessPal is set to public--and open. If you're on MFP, you're invited to friend me over there-- same username on MyFitnessPal: SeanAAnderson
Tomorrow is weigh day. I'm not sure how I got into an every six-week rhythm, but that's what I've done. And honestly, I think that's too far apart. On one hand, I like the distance between the scale and me--and on the other hand, I need to make certain my food plan is creating the side effect of continued weight maintenance within an acceptable range.
Today: I maintained the integrity of my maintenance calorie budget. I remained abstinent from refined sugar. I exceeded my daily water goal. And I stayed well connected with solid support.
Thank you for reading and your continued support,