“Calories On Credit” and “The List”
I'm a little obsessed with my daily calorie total. I'll use every last calorie of that 1500 I've allotted, but I can't go over. I just can't. We had an early dinner tonight and after desert (yes desert!) I was at an even 1500. That's it, no more. Then, as I was walking my mile tonight I thought about having a dill pickle while I write this blog. It would only be a measly 5 calories, and who's to say every morsel I've had today really added up to 1500? Maybe I left 5 calories worth of oatmeal stuck to my bowl this morning. The truth is a 5 calorie dill pickle wouldn't hurt me in the least, but I'm at my limit, and I'm done. I know it might sound harsh and a little extreme, but it goes back to my calorie/money analogy. If you have 1500 dollars to spend everyday (wouldn't that be nice) and you spend it all, but then you really want something, you just can't. The money is gone for the day. Could you have managed it better throughout the day? Perhaps, but the choices have been made already and you'll get another load of cash, er calories in the morning! I have to be that strict, because when you start making deals with yourself, and you start buying calories on credit, it can signal the beginning of the end. Buying “calories on credit” is when you say to yourself...”I know that I'm out of calories today, but I'm just gonna eat 200 more, then I'll eat 200 less tomorrow”...OR... “I'll go ahead and eat an extra piece, but I'll exercise 15 minutes longer to make up for it”. I've always been a pro at rationalizing bad choices. I can convince myself that the worst choice possible is a fantastic idea! And that can be very dangerous, because at a certain point it just becomes lying to yourself, and when that starts, it's really over unless you regain total control that very minute, I mean NOW. If you plan to indulge a little that's ok. But plan ahead. Make it a part of your plan, not a last minute-calorie limit decision in front of the candy bars at the convenience store. I'm doing this with my holiday plan. When I wake up Thanksgiving morning I'll have 2500 calories to spend and two workouts to complete. Same with Christmas and maybe even on my birthday. But it's all apart of the plan. My level of strictness is equal to my desire to be successful on this mission. I want it and I want it bad, and I know myself better than anyone, I know that if I give myself an inch, I'll eat the whole thing. I feel like this is training for a healthier lifestyle. I'm training myself to understand food better, to discover flavors, to understand proper portion amounts, to really better understand exercise and nutrition benefits, I'm in training for a healthier, longer, more satisfying life. And I have to do it on the straight and narrow. When I put my head on that pillow I have to feel good about my calorie and exercise performance. And when you feel good about what you're doing, your confidence goes way up, your results start to add up, and you'll never be kept up by guilt. Guilt makes us feel bad about ourselves and that's when we're the most vulnerable to temptation, and I understand how that can snowball into a complete crash. I'm keeping it between the lines.
I'm making a list. It's a list of things I haven't been able to do all of these years because of my morbid obesity. Things I will do when the weight is gone. By the way, I hate the words “morbidly obese”. The first time a doctor used the term on me, I thought he was being mean. He was just being a real jerk I thought. Morbid? Did he have to say “morbidly obese”. Couldn't he just say “extra husky”. But I've heard that term a lot from doctors over the years and it turns out, they're not being mean, that's a medical term! Morbidly obese that is, not extra husky. Anyway, back to this list. I've never done a bunch of things because I was just too fat. I've never gone water skiing, I've never really enjoyed a waterpark (I've been to one, but because of my weight I hated it) I've never driven a little two seater sports car, I've never gone hiking unless I was lost and scared, I've never competed in an extended run like a 5K, I've never played softball on an organized team as an adult, I've never gone canoing down a river, I've never enjoyed camping, I've never had a really good life insurance policy, I've never done a bunch of things, and the list will keep growing as I think of others. Amber, my oldest daughter, inspired me to make the list after I read one of her blog entries...Thanks Ambee girl!
I have to admit I really had to fight temptation tonight. I had to focus real hard and stay true to myself and I did. I chose to use all of my calories with several hours remaining in the evening and it was a real challenge late. I normally leave myself enough for a late snack or a treat, but not today. And that's Ok. I made it, I'm headed to bed now and in the morning I'll get another 1500 to manage. I can't believe it's been 24 days so far. In less than a week I'll get to weigh again! I wonder what that scale will say this time? It's going to be great because I've been doing great!