Sunday, August 2, 2009

Day 321 The New Face of Me

Day 321

The New Face of Me

I've recently written about how I'm really starting to like what I see in the mirror. I see the physical me emerging that I always thought was in there. I always thought highly of this hidden appearance buried deep beneath mounds of flesh, I knew it was in there somewhere. It reminds me of when I use to get made fun of horribly in school and often times my only comeback would be “Oh yeah, well you're ugly and I can lose weight, but there's nothing you can do about that face.” Hey, sounds mean, but I was on the defensive. You must understand, I've never liked what I saw in the mirror, never. I felt that I looked completely hideous all the time. So looking in the mirror now and actually liking the shape of my face and the contour of my head, and the way my ears connect to my face, and my eyes...and the dimples...wow, I'm digging it. BUT---I also understand that this sudden change in how I feel about the way I look is something that must be handled with responsible awareness. I'm not and will not ever become a conceited jerk, but after a lifetime of hating my appearance, I'm kind of enjoying this new self that I see. I don't understand why I feel like it's bad of me to feel like this. Do I think I don't deserve to feel good about myself? Maybe I need some serious self-image therapy. Left unchecked, will my newfound confidence and self-flattering hurt me in some way? You hear stories of people losing considerable amounts of weight and then their lives are completely turned upside down. Why does this happen? Is it because they let this new look go to their head? Or maybe the confidence they never had before pulls them in a direction they were never able to go. That could be good or bad. I'm not complaining. I'll take this mind stretching topic any day over being 500 plus pounds. It ultimately comes down to our true and honest character. I don't think that changes too much. I'm still the same person on the inside I was at 505, the new extra strength dose of confidence aside, my values, attitudes, and philosophies about life, love, and happiness remain the same. I'm going to be alright, yep, I'm pretty sure I'll be just fine. But if you see me staring at myself in the mirror or window reflection, don't think I'm being conceited, I'm just getting to know the new face of me.

I had to work a remote broadcast tonight at a large night club. It was a tequila festival! I'm not much on drinking, and not much on night club socializing, but I do enjoy people watching. And you sure can see a bunch of interesting people in a place like this. I've never been able to just cut loose and allow myself to have a good time. I'm reserved and to myself. Irene and her friends invited me to go with them to a dance club years ago, and I did, but I couldn't really let my hair down long enough to enjoy the atmosphere. This really didn't sit too well with Irene. If I wasn't having fun, then she found it hard to have fun, so neither of us had much fun. This might sound crazy coming from a self-confessed food addict, but I like to feel in control of myself at all times---except when it comes to food---well, at least that's the way it use to be. But alcohol, drugs, that kind of thing---no thank you, if it's going to make me feel weird and out of control, I'll pass. Coming to terms with my food addiction has really opened my eyes to just how out of control I was in the past. But back to the 'clubbin,'---So there I would sit, watching everyone else have fun and laugh and sing along, and act crazy...and I never could, wouldn't feel comfortable. Maybe I was too self-conscious. But maybe that's just me. Because I started doing that same thing tonight. Watching, analyzing, seeing people act a fool while I sit completely calm, cool, and collected. I wonder if I'll ever really be a party kind of guy? Probably a little, but in a very reserved controlled fashion. I know my wife would probably love it if I would come out of this shell just enough to have a little fun. We'll see how I evolve, we'll see how we evolve.

I'm looking forward to my workout tomorrow. I say that because I didn't really have one today. I should really grab the jump rope and head out to the patio for some serious cardio, but honestly---I probably will not tonight. It's late and I plan on visiting with my wife more and planning the rest of our weekend and beyond. I think we'll actually do a real 10K tomorrow! I still can't believe we weren't before...I can't stand that, but like many have told me, the results are wonderful regardless. And wonderful results are what we're all about around here. Thank you for reading. Goodnight and...

Good Choices,
Sean

11 comments:

  1. exactly. how you evolve, will be how you will evolve. youre doing stuff now that youve never done before, probably never even imagined. will you become a clubbing type guy? maybe. maybe not now, maybe later, maybe not. this remains to be seen. youre still the same person inside, that frankly, thats what matters. just cause you like what you see in the mirror doesnt make you bad, lol! i know, i know, nothing i can say or anyone else can say can make you understand that, but hearing it from different points of view may give you different points of view. your brain definitely needs more time to catch up to your body. keep it up and im thinking great thoughts for you guys.

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  2. I don't think anyone who has worked as hard as you have Sean, to get where you are, could possibly be considerd as being conceited for looking in the mirror a little more these days. It does take the brain longer to catch up to the body I think, and is also part of the evolutionary process.
    As far as party guy vs non-party guy-maybe you will maybe you won't. I think that sort of thing has way more to do with our personality.
    Have fun on your 10K!

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  3. Enjoy that new good-looking face. :)

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  4. When I go out with my heavy-partying pals, I always have a drink or two but anytime I start to feel any kind of out-of-body weirdness, I always stop. You're right, there's something odd about how we lose control when it comes to food, but are still uptight about booze and drugs, etc. I remember once a dentist tried to give me the gas before a root canal and I looked up and saw the ceiling tiles doing weird things and ripped the mask off my face and refused anymore. I guess part of it is that I don't wanna make an ass outta myself...especially at this size.

    When you live your whole life being so self-conscious, it can't be easy to learn to accept the person you are and you're becoming. But you deserve to be proud. You've worked so hard and you should enjoy your good looks :) Can't wait to be there myself!

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  5. Actually, there is a lot to be said for the reserved type. My father was an alcoholic. The whole party scene just makes me shudder.
    If your lack of "partying" is your worst fault, you don't have anything to worry about! :)

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  6. I definitely agree that you deserve to spend some time admiring yourself in the mirror! It's like anything new, you're enamored of it, you want to play with it and admire it. Soon the newness will wear off your hotness will be old hat and taken for granted. ;-)

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  7. A person such as yourself with so much good character -- you'll never turn into a conceited jerk. You are a class act on the inside and that will always be. I think it's perfectly fine to admire what you are becoming physically! You are handsome. After a lifetime of being uncomfortable, a lifetime of confidence and liking what you see is well earned!

    I never had the bar/party scene mindset. I never liked it, even when I was thinner. I was never comfortable, because that just wasn't me. Like you, I'm reserved.

    Enjoy your workout today.

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  8. I'm liking how I look more, too, but I still feel like I need a "Pardon our dust...we're rennovating" sign taped to my back.

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  9. You seem way to sincere and nice to worry about being conceited! You have worked incredibly hard to see yourself in this way-enjoy it!!!!

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  10. Hey Sean,

    First, there is a huge difference between pride and conceit. As hard as you've worked to get to where you are....honey, you deserve to look in the mirror and smile, appreciate what you see and take pride in the result of your hard work!! I see nothing wrong with loving yourself. You know the type of person you are...genuine, caring, sincere and no where in the vicinity of conceited...I can tell that about you through your words....Be proud of yourself and be happy!! Enjoy (live,love laugh)...:)you deserve it!!

    Stay Great (and hot!!!!) :D
    Joania

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  11. You know you can let loose and act out a bit and have carefree fun without chemical influencers. .. right? Practice letting up a bit being silly while you play putt putt golf or doing a little two step with your wife during a walk or waving like a big happy fool at your wife across the grocery store. .. real life stuff. Look into her eyes and you won't notice if anyone else is lookin'

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