Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Day 484 A Different Motivation and Self-Acceptance

Day 484

A Different Motivation and Self-Acceptance

Monday called and I answered with an upbeat attitude. Attitude is so important along this road, it's everything really. We've got our work cut out for us now and I know that the only way to win at this point in the journey is to buckle down and give myself a performance that makes me proud. I've already won, but you know what I mean. What I want and where I'm headed is yet to be realized. It's not an unrealistic expectation—but one that must be achieved without the pressure and worry of imminent death. What I mean is, to see my goals and dreams through---I must want it enough to push myself further because I want it, not because I'm trying to survive. It's a different motivation now. I hope that makes sense.

Breakfast this morning was a little different. I realized that I only had one egg left in the fridge. I prepared the whole egg over easy, grabbed a bowl of steel cut oats sweetened with Splenda, and sliced up a granny smith apple. Breakfast was served for 320 calories, and it was good! Getting up early enough to make breakfast a super priority is one of the biggest changes I've made to my daily routine. Even when I occasionally sleep too long, I still make sure I'm eating something for breakfast. It is a can't miss meal.

I've talked recently about my desire to have skin removal surgery at some point this year. I get very enthusiastic when I talk about it, but I wanted to make something very clear. Even if I never get that surgery, I'll be happy with my results. Seriously, I'm getting healthier than I've ever been in my entire life. And if the loose skin isn't some kind of medical problem, and it may not be, then I have nothing to be displeased about. If I figure out a way to have it, I'm sure I will at some point. But not without understanding the risk and complications of such a surgery. A full body lift is a major surgery that requires six weeks of recovery time according to information I've discovered recently. That's serious stuff.

You see, this issue of loose skin has bothered me for a long time, well before I ever started losing the weight. I actually would let the idea of the loose skin discourage me from losing weight. How crazy is that? I finally realized that losing the weight and getting healthy was way more important than worrying about the loose skin problem. This is me—and it will never be perfect even after such a surgery, and I'm OK with that. I'm thrilled just being me and being healthy. The freedom I'm experiencing now and will continue to experience in the future is the important stuff. This pursuit isn't a pursuit of perfection, it's a pursuit of good health. Perhaps I've sounded vain in my enthusiastic reeling about the surgery and sculpting the body of my dreams. But it's not that. It's this:

I've hated the way I've looked my entire life. I'll never forget the hurt feelings when I was told by a stranger that I needed to wear a bra. I was only 10 years old---and it was from that point on that I couldn't stand myself in the mirror. It didn't make me do anything about it, but I still didn't like it. As I grew larger and larger, my self-loathing grew as well. At a certain point, I told myself that I would never have a flat stomach and even if I lost the weight, I'd still be horribly out of shape. It was enough to discourage me completely. Giving up is a really sad thing. But I eventually realized that even if perfection was unreachable---my own version of perfection was in reach. I needed to lose the weight to live. It was killing me. Now that I see where I am after losing the first 231 pounds---I can honestly say that for the first time in my life, I can look in the mirror and smile---I'm liking what I see for the first time ever. The idea of wanting to make it as good as I can by working out and maybe having a major surgery---isn't a vanity issue, it's simply a me issue. But make no mistake---with or without that surgery---I'm loving myself regardless. I've finally stopped being my own worst enemy. I've finally become a friend to myself. And that friend I've become accepts me completely, just as I am. My self-acceptance doesn't depend on whether or not I have skin removal surgery. I'll be “Sean-Perfect” regardless.

Hitting the fitness room tonight was good for me---but I seriously need to start scheduling workout times with Courtney, and if she's working---like tonight, then I need to call on friends instead of doing it alone. I can still get a good workout---but it's always better when you're with someone else. I'm feeling a soreness I haven't felt along this entire journey. I'm starting to work muscles that I've completely ignored before. My abs hurt. I'm not sure if my abs have ever hurt. I wasn't sure until just a little while back that I even had abdominal muscles. Yep, I have 'em. They're under there and they're not happy right now. Oh well, they have the same loose skin to get happy under! ;)

My friend Scott Hayes sent me a picture of his first egg white omelet. I've included it below. Scott writes: Tried my first egg white omelet tonight. Four egg whites, turkey, and cheese. I figured it under 250 calories and I'm so full I wish I would have just made it with three whites. Thanks for the suggestion, I see how you got hooked on them. It's just a great calorie value. The most bang for my calorie buck! Scott---hope you don't mind seeing your dinner posted on this blog!

Thank you for reading and giving me your wonderful support. Goodnight and...

Good Choices,
Sean

Photobucket
Scott has been reading about my love of egg white omelets for some time. This was his first---it looks good and filling to me---and under 250 calories with turkey and cheese. Perfect!

20 comments:

  1. A HUGE thumbs up to you, Sean!!! I am so proud of all the ways in which you have progressed on this journey!!!

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  2. Hey sean,
    People suck sometimes.
    What kind of person tells a kid they need a bra?
    Well, you should enjoy the mirror...you look good.
    You deserve that surgery and alot of other good things.
    Rooting for you.

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  3. "It's a different motivation now. I hope that makes sense."

    That made perfect sense. Before, you were running FROM something (death). Now, you are running TOWARDS something (your new goals and dreams).

    I understand... I started with similar motivations, running from pain and early death. Now I am getting excited about my goals and dreams.
    It's a joy reading about your journey!
    Loretta
    =^..^=

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  4. Wow, thanks for all you do but me and Pat Morita need help after the vision of you in a bra crossed our brains... ouch

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  5. Too many times we get to "goal" and still don't like what we see. I'm glad to see that you're learning self acceptance. I think that's major progress whether a person has lost 5 lbs. or 200.

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  6. Sean for some reason THIS was the post that made me cry.....I remember my mom telling me that it was what was on the inside that counted and I would say: BUT THE MEAN KIDS CAN'T SEE THAT! I think no matter how much better "looking" I become to the general public I will always be that little fat girl that was picked on... I think either way you are fabulous! Skin or no skin!

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  7. I completely understand where you are coming from - you so deserve to have what you want out of life and if that is surgery - GO YOU! People are cruel and have no idea how their words can effect people. It amazes me even as an adult what people think is "OKAY" to say. Just recentl I found out that 2 men in the office were discussing me and how they thought I should have weight loss surgery since I was such a fun pretty girl but needed to lose weight. What is up with that?

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  8. It's great that you finally realised that the loose skin was not as important as the health benefits.

    And I've never had an egg white omelette before but I'm sure going to try one now!

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  9. I hear ya on the workout buddy! My husband goes with me to the gym. On the days that our schedule does not meet up, it is very difficult to stay motivated and get a good workout. Cheers to you for getting your sweat on!

    I second the never-had-but-must-try egg white omelet! Maybe tomorrow night's dinner?

    Cheers,
    Trish

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  10. I too have those stinging comments in my head- I remember my aunt once told me that my cousin was getting taller and I was getting wider. And I was 8. WHAT? Also, that same cousin received a sweatshirt with an appliqued rabbit on it, and I got one with a pig on it.

    No wonder I got fat. :)

    Glad to hear that you survived the taunts of others and yourself to make it to the braless hotty you are today- extra skin or not.

    Alison :)

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  11. I have tried a egg white omelet because of you. I added tomatoes,mushrooms,red pepper & at the end I added hot sauce and avocado. Yummy!!!

    I am to worried about lose skin and sometimes wonder which is worse but this blog helped a lot.

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  12. Congrats on your enormous success! I feel truly inspired reading through your progress. As a "newbie" weight loss blogger, I'm thrilled to have found people just like me...there isn't anything more inspiring to see that I too can do it!

    My one worry is about the extra skin so I found it interesting that you wrote about it here. My sister keeps pointing out that extra skin is nothing in comparison to the extra weight and health issues related to obesity. I suppose I'll deal with that when I cross that line...

    Thinner, healthier me...here I come!!!

    Much continued success!

    -B
    http://diaryofasoontobeskinnygirl.blogspot.com

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  13. The things people say to a kid.

    In my case it wasn't friends or peers that told me that I was fat, it was my mother. I was slightly chubby and she tried every way of PUBLICLY embarrasing me into losing 10 pounds, and that was all it was at that point. Did it work? Well it worked to make me really fat.

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  14. Parents, please monitor your children's health and don't let them get overweight! When you see an obese child, you know it is their parent(s) lack of responsible behavior that contributed to it. We're the ones who buy the food and provide the role modeling. How much self esteem can an overweight child really have? It just breaks my heart.

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  15. Self acceptance might be more challeging than eating right and working out combined. I personally struggle with the mental aspect of weight loss every day. For it is by far the most difficult choice to alter. After a life of being overweight and poor self image issues, those thoughts seem to become hardwired into our brains and it is hard to accept being "normal." It sounds like you are well on your way young man. Congrats on kicking that smoking habit too.

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  16. Oh I've got a long list of comments like that. You never forget them. They're not scratches, they're scars. I know. I'm glad you've come to a place where you accept yourself now. I'm still working on that one. :)

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  17. I know the skin issue has been a deterrent to me at times on this journey. I am SO glad you said it. Being in my 40s and becoming more and more fit for the first time in my adult life I mourned the fact that I could work out like I was "hot" but would never quite look "hot". I find also that the skin being in my way and outta control when exercising also annoys me like in an impromptu basketball game I picked up with my kids and their friends this last fall. I ran to get the ball and had skin making a fwoapping sound against my thighs as they came up for the short run and It really bugged me enough I had to convince myself to continue to have fun with my kids. The mental and emotional issues of this journey are the ones most around me do not understand.

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  18. I'll come and work out with ya Sean. Do you think you can keep up with me? ;)

    I hear ya on the skin issues, although it has never, ever been a deterrent. I dont know if I would have the surgery even if I had the money, I am kinda a scaredy cat :) And to another commenter - I know what you mean when you say that you work out like you're hot and dont quite look hot. I have rock hard shoulders and biceps that are very well defined. And then I have batwings. Not fair damn it. Not fair.

    Oh, and Sean, try to lose the Splenda. Artificial sweeteners are just as bad for you as fast food :) I'll shut up now :)

    You rock.

    Ann

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  19. I love how you are befriending yourself. It's a beautiful thing.

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  20. Way to go on the self exceptance it is definitely a toughy to overcome. I too would like to get surgery some day for the loose skin, we will see. But you're right I can't let it tear down my self esteem it isn't what makes me who I am.

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