A Different Motivation and Self-Acceptance
Monday called and I answered with an upbeat attitude. Attitude is so important along this road, it's everything really. We've got our work cut out for us now and I know that the only way to win at this point in the journey is to buckle down and give myself a performance that makes me proud. I've already won, but you know what I mean. What I want and where I'm headed is yet to be realized. It's not an unrealistic expectation—but one that must be achieved without the pressure and worry of imminent death. What I mean is, to see my goals and dreams through---I must want it enough to push myself further because I want it, not because I'm trying to survive. It's a different motivation now. I hope that makes sense.
Breakfast this morning was a little different. I realized that I only had one egg left in the fridge. I prepared the whole egg over easy, grabbed a bowl of steel cut oats sweetened with Splenda, and sliced up a granny smith apple. Breakfast was served for 320 calories, and it was good! Getting up early enough to make breakfast a super priority is one of the biggest changes I've made to my daily routine. Even when I occasionally sleep too long, I still make sure I'm eating something for breakfast. It is a can't miss meal.
I've talked recently about my desire to have skin removal surgery at some point this year. I get very enthusiastic when I talk about it, but I wanted to make something very clear. Even if I never get that surgery, I'll be happy with my results. Seriously, I'm getting healthier than I've ever been in my entire life. And if the loose skin isn't some kind of medical problem, and it may not be, then I have nothing to be displeased about. If I figure out a way to have it, I'm sure I will at some point. But not without understanding the risk and complications of such a surgery. A full body lift is a major surgery that requires six weeks of recovery time according to information I've discovered recently. That's serious stuff.
You see, this issue of loose skin has bothered me for a long time, well before I ever started losing the weight. I actually would let the idea of the loose skin discourage me from losing weight. How crazy is that? I finally realized that losing the weight and getting healthy was way more important than worrying about the loose skin problem. This is me—and it will never be perfect even after such a surgery, and I'm OK with that. I'm thrilled just being me and being healthy. The freedom I'm experiencing now and will continue to experience in the future is the important stuff. This pursuit isn't a pursuit of perfection, it's a pursuit of good health. Perhaps I've sounded vain in my enthusiastic reeling about the surgery and sculpting the body of my dreams. But it's not that. It's this:
I've hated the way I've looked my entire life. I'll never forget the hurt feelings when I was told by a stranger that I needed to wear a bra. I was only 10 years old---and it was from that point on that I couldn't stand myself in the mirror. It didn't make me do anything about it, but I still didn't like it. As I grew larger and larger, my self-loathing grew as well. At a certain point, I told myself that I would never have a flat stomach and even if I lost the weight, I'd still be horribly out of shape. It was enough to discourage me completely. Giving up is a really sad thing. But I eventually realized that even if perfection was unreachable---my own version of perfection was in reach. I needed to lose the weight to live. It was killing me. Now that I see where I am after losing the first 231 pounds---I can honestly say that for the first time in my life, I can look in the mirror and smile---I'm liking what I see for the first time ever. The idea of wanting to make it as good as I can by working out and maybe having a major surgery---isn't a vanity issue, it's simply a me issue. But make no mistake---with or without that surgery---I'm loving myself regardless. I've finally stopped being my own worst enemy. I've finally become a friend to myself. And that friend I've become accepts me completely, just as I am. My self-acceptance doesn't depend on whether or not I have skin removal surgery. I'll be “Sean-Perfect” regardless.
Hitting the fitness room tonight was good for me---but I seriously need to start scheduling workout times with Courtney, and if she's working---like tonight, then I need to call on friends instead of doing it alone. I can still get a good workout---but it's always better when you're with someone else. I'm feeling a soreness I haven't felt along this entire journey. I'm starting to work muscles that I've completely ignored before. My abs hurt. I'm not sure if my abs have ever hurt. I wasn't sure until just a little while back that I even had abdominal muscles. Yep, I have 'em. They're under there and they're not happy right now. Oh well, they have the same loose skin to get happy under! ;)
My friend Scott Hayes sent me a picture of his first egg white omelet. I've included it below. Scott writes: Tried my first egg white omelet tonight. Four egg whites, turkey, and cheese. I figured it under 250 calories and I'm so full I wish I would have just made it with three whites. Thanks for the suggestion, I see how you got hooked on them. It's just a great calorie value. The most bang for my calorie buck! Scott---hope you don't mind seeing your dinner posted on this blog!
Thank you for reading and giving me your wonderful support. Goodnight and...
Scott has been reading about my love of egg white omelets for some time. This was his first---it looks good and filling to me---and under 250 calories with turkey and cheese. Perfect!