Stranger In The Mirror and Unrecognizable, Voice Gives Me Away
This road we're on is life changing in so many wonderful ways, and although it's not perfect, it is certainly a 'good outweighing the bad' type of thing. Feeling like I can breathe again, sleep again, walk or run again, have confidence again---oh wait, the confidence thing, yeah—that's a new one, all of these things have returned---some have been absent since childhood, and some are completely new experiences. I highly recommend professional therapy to deal with these incredible changes. I say that, yet I don't have a therapist. At some point that may change.
Think about it. So close to my goals, I'm experiencing life like never before. I'm a stranger to myself sometimes. I look in the mirror and see someone new and I know it's still me in here, but I can't help but be a little uneasy about this new guy. I question my decision making skills every know and then, because maybe they're influenced by these new sensations. I'm still me and I want to make all the right moves, it's just sometimes hard to trust that guy staring back at me in the mirror.
Perhaps I'm a fool for trying to going through so many life changes without professional guidance. I can offer myself therapy through writing in these pages, but it's too easy to pick lighter—more celebratory topics, avoiding the issues that live just below the surface. It's nothing bad, just different, and sometimes different takes uncomfortable adjusting to accept. The comforting thought I embrace is very simple and very true: I'm going to be all right. I really, truly will be just fine. And honestly, when you consider how horribly miserable I was at 505 pounds, these are nice issues to navigate. ;)
I prepared a giant sized five egg-white omelet to start my day. I loaded the thing with shrimp, green and red peppers, mushrooms, and low-fat part-skim mozzarella. Physically it was heavy, somewhat misleading considering the 250 calories it contained. I also enjoyed a banana for desert. Desert at breakfast? Why not? It was a banana!
I ran into my dear Aunt Margaret today. Her and my uncle divorced years ago, but she'll always be my aunt Margaret. It was strange really, running into her. She hasn't laid eyes on me at all since I started, at least I can't remember a time. I was talking to some friends before I noticed her staring at me blankly. Her mind was racing... I know, I know that guy... She didn't have to say a word. I greeted her with “Aunt Margaret, it's me Sean!” And we hugged. She told me that she wouldn't have recognized me at all if I hadn't been talking. I'm completely unrecognizable—even to people that have known me my entire life. I'm pretty sure she use to change my diapers. It's crazy really. But it's fun. I remember dreaming of these happenings for years. Someday I'm going to lose enough weight, people will not even recognize me...just a dream back then, but reality now. It was good to see her. I should see her more often.
I enjoyed a NY Strip Steak for dinner tonight with a small baked potato. Calorie King tells me that my steak was 590 calories. Wow, I could have trimmed that some, but it was OK. It was a nearly 800 calorie dinner, which completely violates my guidelines. I like to keep meals at 500 or less and snacks at 150 or less, normally I don't have a problem staying within that range. Tonight I splurged. But, I was still within my 1800 calorie budget, so I wasn't too upset about my consumption. It was good, real good. The friend who fired it up on his grill, knows how to make incredible steaks. I need my outdoor grill back!
I let the flow of the day dictate my schedule. Sometimes that's good and sometimes it isn't. I found myself staring down midnight without a single rep of a workout. I decided to give myself a break tonight. I just relaxed and enjoyed the wonderful thoughts from the day that was number 503. I could write another two or three paragraphs about how I should have made myself workout tonight. How I sometimes get a little too comfortable and completely violate my own rules, but I'll save that for another day. Today was good.
Thank you for reading. Goodnight and...