Sunday, January 31, 2010

Day 503 Stranger In The Mirror and Unrecognizable, Voice Gives Me Away

Day 503

Stranger In The Mirror and Unrecognizable, Voice Gives Me Away

This road we're on is life changing in so many wonderful ways, and although it's not perfect, it is certainly a 'good outweighing the bad' type of thing. Feeling like I can breathe again, sleep again, walk or run again, have confidence again---oh wait, the confidence thing, yeah—that's a new one, all of these things have returned---some have been absent since childhood, and some are completely new experiences. I highly recommend professional therapy to deal with these incredible changes. I say that, yet I don't have a therapist. At some point that may change.

Think about it. So close to my goals, I'm experiencing life like never before. I'm a stranger to myself sometimes. I look in the mirror and see someone new and I know it's still me in here, but I can't help but be a little uneasy about this new guy. I question my decision making skills every know and then, because maybe they're influenced by these new sensations. I'm still me and I want to make all the right moves, it's just sometimes hard to trust that guy staring back at me in the mirror.

Perhaps I'm a fool for trying to going through so many life changes without professional guidance. I can offer myself therapy through writing in these pages, but it's too easy to pick lighter—more celebratory topics, avoiding the issues that live just below the surface. It's nothing bad, just different, and sometimes different takes uncomfortable adjusting to accept. The comforting thought I embrace is very simple and very true: I'm going to be all right. I really, truly will be just fine. And honestly, when you consider how horribly miserable I was at 505 pounds, these are nice issues to navigate. ;)

I prepared a giant sized five egg-white omelet to start my day. I loaded the thing with shrimp, green and red peppers, mushrooms, and low-fat part-skim mozzarella. Physically it was heavy, somewhat misleading considering the 250 calories it contained. I also enjoyed a banana for desert. Desert at breakfast? Why not? It was a banana!

I ran into my dear Aunt Margaret today. Her and my uncle divorced years ago, but she'll always be my aunt Margaret. It was strange really, running into her. She hasn't laid eyes on me at all since I started, at least I can't remember a time. I was talking to some friends before I noticed her staring at me blankly. Her mind was racing... I know, I know that guy... She didn't have to say a word. I greeted her with “Aunt Margaret, it's me Sean!” And we hugged. She told me that she wouldn't have recognized me at all if I hadn't been talking. I'm completely unrecognizable—even to people that have known me my entire life. I'm pretty sure she use to change my diapers. It's crazy really. But it's fun. I remember dreaming of these happenings for years. Someday I'm going to lose enough weight, people will not even recognize me...just a dream back then, but reality now. It was good to see her. I should see her more often.

I enjoyed a NY Strip Steak for dinner tonight with a small baked potato. Calorie King tells me that my steak was 590 calories. Wow, I could have trimmed that some, but it was OK. It was a nearly 800 calorie dinner, which completely violates my guidelines. I like to keep meals at 500 or less and snacks at 150 or less, normally I don't have a problem staying within that range. Tonight I splurged. But, I was still within my 1800 calorie budget, so I wasn't too upset about my consumption. It was good, real good. The friend who fired it up on his grill, knows how to make incredible steaks. I need my outdoor grill back!

I let the flow of the day dictate my schedule. Sometimes that's good and sometimes it isn't. I found myself staring down midnight without a single rep of a workout. I decided to give myself a break tonight. I just relaxed and enjoyed the wonderful thoughts from the day that was number 503. I could write another two or three paragraphs about how I should have made myself workout tonight. How I sometimes get a little too comfortable and completely violate my own rules, but I'll save that for another day. Today was good.

Thank you for reading. Goodnight and...

Good Choices,


  1. Its interesting that you see a stranger in the mirror. A lot of times when people lose life changing amounts of weight they often still see the old version of themselves in the mirror. I know I struggle sometimes to see the "new" me.

  2. The changing image is undoubtedly the most difficult part of having lost a lot of weight. ...

  3. There are a lot of people out there who severly cut their calories. Since you went from 1500 to 1800 calories on the advice of your trainer, could you talk about the results? Maybe we could get some more evidence that the lower calories isn't always better.

    My weigh day is tomorrow...
    Come check it out.

  4. You said: " I can offer myself therapy through writing in these pages, but it's too easy to pick lighter—more celebratory topics, avoiding the issues that live just below the surface."

    I found that interesting... you have covered so many topics, and sometimes with insights that have helped the rest of us so much.

    You were the reason I committed to doing a blog each day, and numbering it. I was following your example... and it was the best thing for me! It forced me to focus at LEAST once a day, and be honest with myself, and not get side-tracked and fall into the trap that I used to of... oh well, "tomorrow".

    I will admit it is time-consuming to slow down and really go inside to consider the deeper stuff. But it has been soo helpful.

    Thank you for setting a good example to follow! (I didn't say "perfect", so no pressure!) :-)

  5. I see a stranger in the mirror but only because the person in my head is not the fat girl staring at me in the mirror. I hope one day to look in the mirror and see the girl I see when I close my eyes.

  6. I still cannot believe the reflection I see staring back at me is really me.

  7. LOL! I recently had to convince a woman on facebook that I had worked with her for four years... she doubted it was really me. Great huh??? as long as my dogs know me I guess... thats all that matters.

  8. You definitely understand it's all about your walk... not the "mirror." The reflection will always be there- sometimes what we want, sometimes not exactly. It's all about that day to day step, left in front of right... which will determine what the mirror sees.

    The eyes that look at the mirror, and the mind controlling those eyes, are all that truly matter ~ you know and understand this, obviously... look in the mirror!


  9. It'ss weird, but I see the me that I knew was was just that some fat girl ate her! lol.
    I hear people talking about how they were fat in their dreams. In my dreams, I was always thin.
    I never really glommed on to the fat image.
    I avoided cameras and mirrors...everything.
    That day in build a bear was the first time I saw myself as FAT. Before I was just 'carrying a few extra pounds'
    I am enjoying the real me.
    watch out shopping malls.
    Have a great night sean.

  10. Sean, I am at the other end of where you are. I can't grasp the fact that the person in the mirror is almost 500 lbs. I look at old pictures of me before I gained 300 lbs,and I look nothing like I do now. People that knew me 18 or more years ago wouldn't recognize me today, outside of my voice and the fact that I'm tall. I have wondered about going back to where I grew up and wandering the streets without speaking (or they would recognize my voice) and running into old friends and family I haven't seen in years.
    I haven't come close to catching up on your blog, since I only recently found it, but I look forward to reading it. I have a long journey ahead of me, you are very inspiring to me.

  11. It's always enjoyable to bump into folks I haven't seen in a long time. :)

  12. It's incredible to lose so much weight your own family doesn't recognize you. Making such a startling change in your appearance is both a big adjustment for you and the people around you.

    Congratulations on your progress.

  13. I'm a huge advocate of therapy. While journaling, or in your case blogging, is a wonderful way to get in touch with your feelings, sometimes a therapist can offer insight or ask you the questions that you haven't thought to ask yourself.

    I just found your blog and look forward to reading through your past posts.

  14. @Ms.X - I know what you are feeling. My wake up point did involved wandering around in my home town. I felt like I was wearing a mask. A costume. And that no one would, or even could recognize me because of the fat and pain that I wore.

    But it is now that I am completely unrecognizable.

    You will get there.

  15. I see a therapist and have found it helpful and supportive along the way. But the real work and the life changing stuff comes from within ourselves. You seem to have been doing great and are committed, but I commend you for considering that professional therapy might be offering you something else.

  16. At the risk of sounding defensive, I think it is perfectly ok, to eat whatever you want, providing that you are within your calorie allotment. This is the mindset I was referring to earlier. I make conscious choices to eat foods that fit into my daily calories. Sometimes, it is healthy food, but like Sunday, I ate ribs.....boy were they good. I think if I ate "clean" all the time, I would start to resent this way of life and I would start to focus on every calorie.

    I wonder if I will ever shake this mindset. Because to be honest, I like reading about when you eat out to restaurants and you find things to eat that are ok. Like beef tacos, heavy on the salsa and I load them up with lettuce/tomato. This is the perfect food and under 600 calories.

    I realize this new way of eating healthy is for you. I'm just not there yet. Having said that, please keep up this is so motivating and inspirational.


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