Friday, February 20, 2015

February 20th, 2015 Worth The Exploration

February 20th, 2015 Worth The Exploration

The chills yesterday turned out to be somewhat of a precursor to not feeling well today. The chills weren't necessarily because of the cold outside (I mean really--it's not that cold compared to other parts of the country and world). I was having a hard time getting warm even in a well heated building. I woke up this morning feeling sick, but not feverish, so I sucked it up and made my way to the studio for my radio show.

I did take a partial sick day, an extended split shift, actually. I made my way home shortly after my show and fell back into bed for some more rest. My neck was especially tense for some reason. I could barely turn it. Maybe I slept on it wrong, I don't know. I do know there seemed to be a connection between the pain in the neck and the general nausea I felt. I returned to the studio mid-afternoon to complete some work stuff and prepare for my emcee duties at a big awards presentation event for our city's Main Street downtown revitalization program.

I planned to make dinner out of whatever was being served at this event. I asked a couple of people ahead of time if they knew what the menu included and they didn't. It didn't bother me, really. I was prepared to navigate the choices regardless of what I found available. I knew there would be fruits and veggies--and of course, cheese! Oh boy--how I love cheese! 

The spread of food was incredible. Upon arriving early, before the pre-awards mixer, I made my way into the serving room and did a once over. The customary fruit and veggie trays, of course, were prominently displayed. The entree selection included mini sandwiches of all kinds and the most amazing looking prime rib. I'm not a fan of the prime rib calorie value--and I didn't want the bread of the sandwiches, so I opted for a good plan B.

I decided on a 'holdover' until I could enjoy dinner later, after the event. I grabbed some fruit and veggies--and some cheese, made my way over to the podium while everyone else mingled--and without anyone even noticing what I was doing, I took my digital food scale from my man bag and quickly weighed the cheese and fruit.

Yes, I took the scale with me! I knew there would be giant trays of cheese--and I wanted the added certainty of knowing precisely how much I was consuming. In all honesty, I have a slight trust issue when it comes to me and block type cheese--or in this case, cubed chunks. At home and work, I enjoy pre-sliced and calorie counted portions. In a setting like this, tonight, with the cheese cubes--it was better to take along some structure. The digital food scale gave me the certainty I wanted and needed. Could I have eye balled it? Sure--and I have before. But if it isn't a big deal (and it wasn't), then why not? It was a way for me to give myself a firm boundary. And when it comes to me and cheese cubes, boundaries are a really good thing.

I took a rest day yesterday. And once again today, not feeling well and as busy as my afternoon and evening turned out to be, I took another. But wait!! Despite my mid-morning nap, I was very active today. A lot of walking, stair climbing and table carrying later-- and Fitbit awarded me a 332 calorie burn. I'll claim every one of those activity calories burned! And, I'll make a return trip to the YMCA tomorrow!

I was approached by a gentleman tonight who was unaware of my relapse and regain period along this road--and he complimented me on my ability to "keep the weight off after all these years." I didn't offer any perspective to the contrary, I simply thanked him for the compliment then added something to the effect of, it's a daily intentional practice, for sure. You and I know what happened, but sometimes--depending on the circumstance, I opt to not explain--instead, deciding to just graciously accept the compliment and move forward.

This isn't the first person to mistake my appearance for long term weight maintenance success. I've explained what happened more than a few times and I always add: "I really appreciate the relapse and regain period for giving me some needed perspective, to teach me things I needed to learn and re-learn--to show me what I must always appreciate and to prove to me personal truths I needed to fully understand for the road ahead."

When I sit and ponder the many benefits of this journey, near the top of the list, just below the health benefits, is the confidence issue. I walked into the event tonight with complete confidence. I wasn't self-conscious. I wasn't worried if my outfit fit properly. I wasn't compelled to be self-deprecating because of my size--in order to satisfy some mental issue within me. Because the truth is, I believe I was a very likable guy at 500 pounds. The self-deprecating humor of old was a defense mechanism against imaginary criticism I might receive from others--when in reality, I was truly my biggest judge and critic all along.

The self-deprecating stuff wasn't necessary, ever. I was a good person, worthy of acceptance and love from others long before I lost the first pound. This road has brought many lessons my way about extending love and acceptance to myself. The real issue wasn't what I needed from others, it has always been what I needed from me, to me. That's a deep and powerful introspective thing to consider, but it's worth the exploration.  

There was an opportunity for a few pictures tonight.

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At the podium ready to emcee!

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Meeting for the first time and visiting with Jeremy McConnell before the awards ceremony. Jeremy is the husband of Chelsea McConnell, the Ponca City Mainstreet Program Director.

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The serious 'I'm not looking at the camera--I'm looking at the activities over there,' picture.

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It wasn't too long ago, things were very different. I was in a lot of pain in this photo. I couldn't walk upright that night. I don't know how much I weighed here--but it's safe to say it was in excess of 500 pounds. My daughter, Amber, snapped the picture, illustrating how I could smile convincingly, even in pain and feeling miserable. 

My Tweets Today:






























Thank you for reading and your continued support,
Strength,
Sean

24 comments:

  1. It is very true you are a lovely, worthy person at any size. But life must be so much more comfortable now! You look amazing and healthy and happy.

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    1. Thank you, very much, Natalie! It is much more comfortable, indeed!

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  2. Sean, you look wonderful. Congratulations. Honestly, it's an amazing achievement - and of course I'm not just talking about the physical changes. I'm so thrilled for you!

    Zoe

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    1. Zoe, thank you. This whole period of relapse/regain--then turnaround... I must say, it's really reinforced within me, that the physical changes are great--but the mental/emotional changes, coupled with new perspectives on where my personal boundaries align in relation to food and my fundamental elements of continued recovery-- are the absolute best. It's a level of awareness far beyond my initial weight loss.

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  3. You look great. I've had several people comment over the last few weeks about how much weight I've lost recently and how good I look.These are people I see fairly often and one person I haven't seen in a few months. The truth is I've gained a few pounds since the holidays due both to eating and to lack of exercise from lingering illness that gets worse every time I exercise. I don't understand it. It confounds me. I'm not fully at the graciously accepting it phase. But I guess I need to accept that only I am as observant and critical of my body and I need to be a bit nicer to myself.

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    1. Thank you, PJ. Yes-- we always seem to be our biggest, most aware critics--even when our perception is altered slightly because we know where we are on the whole---and others are just offering nice compliments based on appearance. You're right--it's very important to have a healthy amount of self compassion. We're the only ones giving ourselves this highest level of critique...And if we make it too hard to live up to, we can end up feeling unnecessarily horrible about things, that in reality, are pretty good. PJ, you're doing great things--and you know where you are--keep making your way, my friend.

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  4. Glad you are able to listen to your body when it tells you it needs a little rest. Also glad you didn't get full blown sick. Keep up the great work and the inspiration!

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    1. Thank you, A! I'm typically not a very good listener, actually. But I'm a little more careful now...because I know, if I don't take some decent level of care--and I do get full blown sick--I'll be out of commission totally. And I don't want that!

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  5. Glad whatever bug was trying to get you didn't fully win. I had a good chuckle at your man bag hehe So good with the scale and setting boundaries. Inspiring as always Sean!

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  6. I hope you are feeling better today, Sean! :)

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    1. I did feel slightly better yesterday--now, focusing on feeling much better today. Thank you, Gwen!

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  7. You not only look great - you ARE great. Proud of you for the way you handled the food situation - AND the compliment response. You are a classy man!!!!
    N~

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    1. Awe, Nancy, thank you. The response really, if I think about it deeper--really depends on how well I know the person and they know me... If it's someone, like this gentleman, who only knows me on a surface level--as the guy he listens to on the radio--and sees around the area at events, occasionally--then I'm not as compelled to go any deeper. If it had been someone I knew, who had bought my book--or someone who once followed my progress closely, but for whatever reason, hadn't in a while-- then I likely would have offered some deeper perspective. With that said--sometimes--In a social setting like the one Friday night, a simple "thank you" and a smile, is enough--and perfect.

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  8. Looking good Sean and great thoughts and perspective. You've come a long way this time around and are learning and sharing (thank you) some wonderful goodies.

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    1. LTR, thank you! I feel like I've learned and keep learning more this time, then I did in all the years prior. I'll keep on sharing as I go. It feels good!

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  9. Sounds like those aches and chills were really your body fighting off a virus. Hope it doesn't stick around.

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    1. I'm feeling much better today (Sunday). Thank you, Nikki!

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  10. Since I'm currently into the second week of the Cruds (official medical term) I'm glad you seem to be throwing it off.

    Love that you decided to not always explain, and just accept a compliment and let it be. Very nice. Looking forward to that next book with all this new hard-won wisdom included. :-)

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    1. Loretta, Thank you!! I hope the cruds start clearing, pronto, for you!! It didn't get me 100%--but it certainly tried!
      I'm looking forward to writing the next book! :) I sincerely appreciate you, Retta. Thank you, again. I'm wishing you a speedy recovery, my friend!

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  11. You really do look good, glad it's working for you. Very inspiring!

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