December 22nd, 2016 Right About Now
Occasionally, I'm reminded of the old, deeply ingrained reactionary behavior that kept me at 500 pounds for nearly two decades. Work today ended up being frustrating, disappointing, and quite honestly, it left me feeling extremely undervalued. I'm not perfect, ever-- and there's more I could do, but in many areas, I go above and beyond for the team.
I'll not elaborate, wouldn't be appropriate--the point is, whenever emotions are high--in whatever form, there's still, and always will be that voice inside that whispers, hey man, up here in your head--yeah, it's me--you know, that voice you've been ignoring for a very long time--don't ya think a binge would be good right about now?
I've noticed how I'm able to stay fairly even with my emotions throughout maintenance mode--not too high, not too low--somewhere in the middle range seems to be a nice little groove I've found. But then a day like today hits and my needle pegs. And then I'm forced to either buddy up with that inner voice and essentially throw it all away, or lean in the direction of what I know works. I did two things. I made an on-plan snack and I reached for support--someone I could share a confidential conversation with about the specifics of my frustration--but mainly someone who understands the importance of my plan in these moments--someone with a similar plan and track record of success.
Nothing is worth sacrificing the integrity of my extraordinary care. Nothing. My life-stream and fundamental elements-stream run parallel to one another. Making sure they don't cross is critically important. Basically--when life gets challenging, it's not ever a good reason to sacrifice the extraordinary care of my plan. On the other side, I mustn't make the fundamental elements of my plan so big, full of rules, and complicated--that it affects my life in negative ways.
I shut down that whispering voice inside that was promising to relieve me of feeling certain things--and I just felt 'em. And instead of saying things or doing things in reaction, I gave it pause--just enough space to feel it and allow it to naturally subside.
After I finished work for the afternoon, I made my way over to see mom at the nursing facility. I haven't been allowed to take pictures of her for several days because she simply hasn't felt like it-- and her reason (not that she needs one) is partly because she hasn't been well--and the other part involves her hair. It doesn't matter how much I tell her how beautiful she is with or without her hair fixed--if the hair isn't working, she's not very willing to smile for the camera. And I honor her wishes.
I walked in her room this afternoon, and I gotta tell you, she looked like a completely different woman than the one discharged from the hospital on Tuesday.
I was so happy to find mom beaming after her hair appointment.
I made it home late this afternoon, had a late lunch, made a support call--and grabbed a nap before an evening with a couple of scheduled one-on-one mentoring sessions.
I enjoyed a nice meal tonight before going back out to see mom. She's super-excited about several family members (including Noah!) gathering with her in the dining room on Sunday for Christmas dinner.
I'm off tomorrow as far as a morning show is concerned. I do have a production project I must accomplish tomorrow--at some point along the way. Oh--and I need to shop. I haven't even started shopping for Christmas!
Today: I maintained the integrity of my maintenance calorie budget, I remained abstinent from refined sugar, I exceeded my daily water goal and I stayed well connected with great support.
I have several things deserving of my gratitude. I'll focus on those as I lay my head on the pillow.
Thank you for reading and your continued support,