January 6th, 2017 Willing Embrace
The following post is from seven and a half years ago. It was June 10, 2009. I was still married with children at home. It was nine months into my initial weight loss. Revealing, really--not the tater tots part--I mean, I've always known those little things presented control issues within me--and notice, I don't eat them today. I was discovering things--a level of self-honesty never before embraced, foods I could eat--things I probably shouldn't--and I was discovering the connection between sleep and my resolve to take extraordinary care.
It's interesting to me how seven and a half years later, this is still a frequent issue along this road. And I don't draw the parallel in order to beat myself up--I'm simply identifying something I've not been willing to change. And as well as things have transpired--especially over the last few years, I do wonder how things might be different if I fully embraced a willingness to change in certain areas, like sleep and exercise, namely strength exercise.
From June, 10th, 2009:
Today has been a really tough day for some reason. Wow, listen to me “for some reason,” it certainly couldn't be my own doing could it? OK, I'm not going to pretend that I don't know why. Isn't that a wonderful way to make ourselves feel better though? Just pretend that we don't know why it was a tough day.
If you get super honest with yourself, like I have, then you realize that often the choices we make determine the outcome of our day. I can make good choices on food all day long (most days—continue reading), but it seems I have a real problem making good choices when it comes to my sleep and exercise schedule. And when the sleep schedule is all messed up, it makes everything else more difficult than it needs to be.
I've had problems today with urges to cut loose on a platter of tater tots, I missed my workout, opting to nap instead, and then ended up sleeping way longer than I should have. I have to remember the law of consequences.
Everything we do has a consequence, good or bad, and we're the ones that decide.
I've come way too far to feel this way. I know that I'm not perfect, but today has just been a mess of emotions stirred by tiredness that has shaken my solid foundation.
Maybe I've become too confident.
I've been walking along this road with such a confident swagger, perhaps I needed to be reminded of my vulnerabilities. I needed to be brought down a notch or two, just enough to refresh me on the fundamentals that have made this a successful journey so far.
Keeping some semblance of a normal schedule is part of that.
The easy way out when it comes to food, is to eat whatever and how much ever. The easy way out when it comes to exercise is to just not do it. The easy way out of keeping the schedule on track is to just go sleep regardless of the time or how bad it will mess up the groove.
Gravitating to the line of least resistance isn't something I can afford.
The smartest thing for me to do after dinner would have been workout followed by writing. Instead I decided on a little refresher nap. Only one problem, I don't know how to take refresher naps. It's all or nothing with me when it comes to sleep. The sad thing is, I really wasn't that tired. I was doing it in the name of “relaxing.” And relaxing is a good thing, but only when everything else is done, affording you the luxury.
I couldn't afford it tonight.
This is going to be a tough little paragraph. I actually just teared up, wow, I'm such a little girl sometimes.
I pride myself on making good calorie choices every day. I'm hardly ever the slightest bit hungry because of my good calorie value choices. But just when you think you are a pro at making these choices, along comes onion tater tots.
They should have never made the dinner table to begin with and here's why: Nine small tots for 170 calories.
What? We baked them and served them alongside some beef Irene grilled on the George Foreman. Steak and tots. Sounds good huh? Just a horrible calorie value, those tots. But I wanted them. I love the way they smell as they cook, I love the way they taste, I'm completely lusting over them and I'm ashamed.
Did I stick with the tiny nine tot serving? No. I kept grabbing them. One after another at 19 calories a piece adds up real quick. Before it was all over, I was over. I wasn't over my calorie budget for the day, but my 500 calorie meal limit, by 170 calories.
You might ask, “Sean, why the dramatics? You didn't go over your day's calories, so where's the harm?”
What felt horrible was feeling those old feelings again. That out of control feeling. Overeating just because it taste so good. That's something I've done my entire life. Why couldn't I just be satisfied with a serving, enjoy them, and move on? I think if the girls wouldn't have been watching, I would have finished off every last one of them. I felt powerless. Over tater tots...wow, just amazing.
I've always said that one bad choice leads to another and tonight was definitely proof of that. I felt so horrible after dinner, I just wanted to lay down and relax a little bit, maybe try to reflect on the dinner table feelings and actions. It may not seem to be too big of a deal. And on the surface, it isn't. So what, I had two servings of tater tots, big deal. What devastated me was the feeling of “slipping.” The same eating behaviors that put me up to over 500 pounds were in play at that dining room table. I thought I had squashed those behaviors into oblivion. I was reminded of these behaviors and it was kind of scary.
If this were a weekend night I would be heading out to exercise right now. It isn't and I have to be up for work in less than five hours. I'll be going to bed tonight without completing a workout. That's just unacceptable, especially the day before weigh day. But it is the result of my bad choices this evening.
I must put this day behind me and realize that I learned a very important thing today. This day was important. It's purpose was to humble me, to show me that I'm not perfect.
It has shown me that the difference between doing wonderfully perfect and feeling out of control and horrible is very thin sided.
I needed today to further my growth along this journey.
I will not let the negative emotions from it further effect my performance. It's over. Tomorrow is going to be a fantastic weigh day. I can feel it. It might just be what I need right about now. Thank you for reading, goodnight and...
I can't believe it's been seven and a half years since that was written! My goodness--time moves quickly! So many things in that post that stand out-- I was coming to terms with my food behaviors--identifying and admitting things I would have kept to myself--and I would have kept on thinking I was the only one who might relate--when really, many of us--most of us, relate in every way described.
Today: I maintained the integrity of my maintenance calorie budget. I remained abstinent from refined sugar. I met my daily water goal. And I stayed well connected with great support.
I did not get enough sleep last night. I'm making sure I get enough tonight.
Thank you for reading and your continued support,