I'll never forget the depths of where I've been along this road. A little over three years ago, near the "top" of my mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically draining relapse/regain period, I stopped long enough to make a stand. And I wrote this:
"And this is for me. I'm asking for your encouragement and support. I'm asking for the same dynamics that made my blog a key element in my initial weight loss. I'm asking, in prayer, for the strength and guidance to show me the way, to give me a hand back onto the road.
It will require differences in my approach. And I'm prepared to meet the challenges along the way.
What has prompted this sudden stop, this surrender and reclamation? A doctors visit. A scale. A prescription for high blood pressure medicine. A mirror. A belief. A hope. A dream. A prayer."
That was written January 11th, 2014, when I was 143 pounds into what became a 164 pound regain.
As powerful as that "Ending The Detour" post was for me, it still wasn't strong enough to stop me from a continued spiral.
It wasn't long after that (I remember it well) when I had what was probably one of the biggest binge episodes in my personal history. I was alone--it was late, and I made the rounds--pizza, Chinese, ice cream--all of it at once. The three drive-throughs for these items are a block apart in this town. It took literally less than fifteen minutes to assemble my binge trifecta and less than five minutes to get back to my apartment a mile away. And it took even less time to start brutalizing myself with questions denial made impossible to answer.
WHY???? Why am I doing this to myself????? After writing such a powerful, sincere, heartfelt post--how could I do what I was doing?
I'm a food addict. I have the disease of addiction. It doesn't make me a bad person. It doesn't mean I'm morally corrupt. It's simply my truth.
And I know--if left unchecked; untreated, it will ultimately kill me.
The number one things I do each day are what I refer to as my fundamental elements. Within those are some non-negotiable elements (food planning, weighing and measuring food, accountability and support)-and of course, I also have some components (sleep, overall time management, workout schedule) that need "non-negotiable" status, but don't seem to ever get it-- and again, I realize this--I'm aware of my selective compartmentalizations. And I'm working on opening my mind and learning from others on ways to strengthen what I do each day--but for right now, today-- what I do, somehow, by grace, keeps me "out of the food."
And another part of what I do each day is to try my best at spreading a little hope. Because it is possible to reach a place of peace and hope, even if you find yourself in a place that seems chaotic and hopeless.
I'm coming up on three years since the start of my turnaround from relapse/regain and just a couple weeks after that, it'll be my three year anniversary of being binge free and refined sugar-free. It doesn't mean I haven't thought about it. But now when I think about it--and "it" being a binge of some sort, I make it important to pause long enough to steer myself toward support. Because I truly don't want to go back there--I really don't, ever.
I look at what I do each day as my medicine. If I'm to stay well, I must make taking my medicine a priority.
Today: I maintained the integrity of my maintenance calorie budget, I remained refined sugar-free, I exceeded my daily water goal, and I stayed well connected with great support.
Today's Accountability Tweets:
2 cups water starts the #morningdeal 20 push-ups & 20 squats gets me moving before coffee. It's a fast, simple routine✅Done. And now, ☕️ pic.twitter.com/7WyuQOTohS— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) March 13, 2017
2 tablespoons half & half in the first cup. 3 tbs in the to-go cup refill, soon. Good Monday morning! 100 cal. pic.twitter.com/tcYqStbVrZ— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) March 13, 2017
Breakfast in MyFitnessPal. Not shown: 74g grapes. pic.twitter.com/9yQiDlGtP0— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) March 13, 2017
3 egg whts, 1 whl, 27g orange pepper & 2 slices provolone on sprouted grain Ezekiel. 4.2oz apple, 121g strawberries & 74g grapes. 562 cal. pic.twitter.com/bVdy9lvyMe— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) March 13, 2017
2 tablespoons half & half in this midmorning cup of dark. 40 cal. pic.twitter.com/RAbyYltvWa— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) March 13, 2017
Lunch in MyFitnessPal... pic.twitter.com/LcwOJfkXP5— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) March 13, 2017
3 small tostada shells w/141g fat free beans, 3 tbs salsa, 45g sour cream, 40g lettuce & 90g avocado. 250g cantaloupe. 567 cal. pic.twitter.com/0lxpIAFgMB— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) March 13, 2017
2 tablespoons half & half in this afternoon cup. 40 cal. pic.twitter.com/KsEJaQcIPG— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) March 13, 2017
Holdover until dinner This was from earlier, 5:20pm, to be exact. 139g banana & 119g strawberries. 162 cal. pic.twitter.com/3KyOEXJBK7— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) March 14, 2017
Dinner in MyFitnessPal... pic.twitter.com/Td7pPrnI8k— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) March 14, 2017
Petite Sirloin & Veggie Kabobs. It's what's for dinner. pic.twitter.com/zcIORZoEsh— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) March 14, 2017
6.3oz petite sirloin, 90g red pepper, 91g yellow&90g red onion. 200g fresh cut&baked sweet pot.fries w/hint of cinnamon-4secOOSpray. 584 cal pic.twitter.com/6s8Z4PPWCQ— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) March 14, 2017
1.5 cups water exceeds today's #watergoal 5.9oz orange, 100g grapes & 107g banana #lastfoodofday 243 cal. pic.twitter.com/XMcYI89ByP— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) March 14, 2017
Thank you for reading and your continued support,