Monday, October 5, 2009

Day 385 Buffet Desire Gone and Breaking Down The Fashion Comfort Zone

Day 385

Buffet Desire Gone and Breaking Down The Fashion Comfort Zone

I talked about letting go of the over-shirt hang-up in yesterday's edition. Let me say this: It's not like I magically flipped an imaginary switch and “walla,” all my clothing insecurities are gone. Oh no, I realized that tonight at play rehearsal, but more on that in a moment.

We've thoroughly enjoyed having Amber and her boyfriend at home this weekend. I had planned to cook for everyone today, homemade low calorie pizzas on whole wheat tortillas, but the kids called while they were out and invited us to JW Cobbs---their treat. I'm not one to turn down a free meal, so off we were to the restaurant! I've blogged about our occasional Sunday trips to this restaurant before, at least three or four times in the last 385 days. This place has a Sunday buffet. It's amazing how I seriously have zero desire for that thing, or any buffet for that matter. I thought about that today while we were there. I remember my mindset at over 500 pounds. I was always looking forward to a buffet back then. I'd get downright excited at the thought of all that hot food just waiting for me to pile a plate high, then return for seconds and thirds if I wanted. That crazy desire is completely gone. I love that. I just want a normal plate of food, with normal portions. Something I can feel good about, ya know? Again, the focus was about visiting with the kiddos, not on the food, and that's a serious change for this former 500 plus pound man.

We helped Courtney with some homework this afternoon before Amber and KL departed, then Irene and I prepared to go to play rehearsal. Yes, Irene attended rehearsal tonight! She's read the script several times, so it was something she really looked forward to seeing. And although tonight wasn't an actual dress rehearsal, it was pretty close. I was a little nervous knowing she was there watching and it showed a little in my performance, but this is something I need to get over now, because a bunch of people are coming to see this play, I've got to be ready for that!

Really, the fact that Irene was in the audience wasn't what made me the most nervous. It was the clothing I have to wear. I'm trying so hard to accept how I look outside of my fashion comfort zone. I kept tugging at my shirt, it was something the director noticed and he told me “you look great on stage, stop tugging at your shirt.” I'll certainly try my best to stop cold turkey, but I've been tugging at my shirt since I was old enough to realize I was fat. This is some deep seeded stuff. Going without an over-shirt Friday and Saturday was a big step in the right direction, but then to go straight into tucking under stage lights? Wow, OK---give me a minute!

The fact is, I'm not finished with my journey, I know that. When I reach the point where I've added muscle and have lost another 59 pounds, then OK, I'll be much more confident. I'm not there yet, but I'm working on it, I'm making amazing strides in that direction. It's going to be fine. I need to remember something very important. On that stage I'm not Sean. I'm Hank. And Hank doesn't have these hang-ups when it comes to self image. Thank you Irene for reminding me of that on the way home!

It was slightly awkward kissing another woman in front of my wife. Check that, it was super awkward. And if it wasn't enough during the play, we had a choreographer come in afterward to work with us on the dance/kissing scene. Yep, Irene had to sit and watch us do it over and over again. My wife is a wonderfully amazing woman, I have to say. She genuinely enjoyed the play tonight despite that fact that her husband of twenty years was on stage in front of her kissing another woman. She understood it was Hank, not Sean. It was a pleasure to introduce Irene to everyone at the theatre. It was very cool indeed. Stephanie Williams even asked Irene when she was going to get on stage! Irene would be wonderful too!

Tomorrow night we do the official dress rehearsal and the reviewer for the newspaper will be there! Oh my...Bring it on! No pressure! I got this, heck, I may even tuck my shirt in when it's not required! OK, probably not. I can't wait to post official stills from the play. I'm not sure when those will be taken, but it should be soon. Hopefully I can get copies to post.

I made a homemade tortilla pizza when we got home from rehearsal. I'm still a couple of hundred calories short of my 1500, but it's so late, and I'm not hungry. And you know how the calorie bank and trust works...you use 'em or lose 'em! They don't transfer to the next morning!

Thank you for reading this blog. It has been such a wonderful journey so far, and it will continue to be grand! Goodnight and...

Good Choices,
Sean

13 comments:

  1. Ok...so I wait to read this Blog every night now...I check and see...nope not yet..LOL I am glad your wife was there tonight it was good for you. How many times have we done this thing and she caught the soup thing her first time? LOL

    The pictures should be taken tomorrow night. Oh and to add on some more pressure...One of the best Directors in Oklahoma will be there too. YEP right in the front ! So help me GOD if you tug at your freaking shirt with her there.....LOL

    You look fine up there. I know you have issues with that but it is not Sean up there....as you said.

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  2. tucking now....I don't tuck. In fact, I am still a frequent wearer of overshirts. So, good on you. I have been in some plays...none where I had to kiss anybody. But I did have to wear hoop skirts, wear a corset and sing 'playing croquet is a wonderful way...to enjoy an afternoon". High school. That's all I'm saying. Have you seen the boboli thin crust pizzas....They have a pretty low calorie count.
    Well, I gotta go to sleep, you are the last blog of the night.
    Keep up the good work.

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  3. No pressure there Chris, lol. Could not help but comment on the comment.

    Sean you are finding your way and there will be lots of turns, steps backwards and then forwards until your footing is sure and here you go, secure! You're doing wonderful, and you have a wonderful support system in your wife. She sounds like a wonderful gem of a woman. I don't know how I'd feel watching my husband have a lip workout with another lady even if it was just a play, lol. But I would hope that I would exert the same class and intelligence as demonstrated by your wife tonight.

    I like your bank quote, I'll have to remember that one.

    I hope you and yours have a blessed day!

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  4. I hear you on the buffet. We're planning on going to a fancy schmancy buffet in Vegas for my 40th birthday and I'm already stressing. On the one hand, I want to eat right. On the other, I want to get my money's worth. Ick.

    Ya know how when you had a zit on your face as a teenager and you thought the whole world was looking at you and it? Well, your tucking issue is kind of like that. Nobody really notices it but you. And if they do notice, it's usually just a passing thought. I'm guessing you look fantastic up on stage.

    Cheers to a good day!

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  5. No tucking or buffets for me either Sean. And I think I would say "no" to my dh kissing another woman... Irene is a great sport.

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  6. Oh, Irene came up with the great answer, it's not Sean kissing, it's Hank. That would be difficult. I don't know that I could be as gracious as Irene--it would be weird watching my hubby do that, even though it meant nothing and was a play. lol

    Good luck with the dress rehearsal! Be Hank, don't tug! I know you'll do a fantasic job! Best wishes.

    Jo
    who hates buffets!

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  7. OK, you don't want me to go and sit on the front row and COUNT how many times you tug! But like I said before, I think you (like my hubby) are so much of a ham, that when you hear the first burst of laughter or applause, you will forget the Sean "issues" and be Hank! Good job for both you and Irene on the kissing scene. I've been in several plays, but never had that come up. Not sure how we would handle that. It would be very weird after 36 years of only kissing him! Good job!

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  8. son, lifes' goals are made up of many goals. Like a football teams' goal is to win the game. But in order to do that they have many goals to overcome. Each down is a goal to get the ball futher down the feild. If they acheive that, then the finale goal of winning is accomplished. Same in life we set goals for ourselfs, and in doing so you automaticly inherit many goals that must be accomplished to get there. That is what makes the finale goal so hard to gain. So many give up on these, and in doing so they give up on the goal they set for them selfs. Your a fighter, and you will overcome each and every one you must face to reach your goal. LOVE YOU, your dad

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  9. I'm still working on the buffet thing myself. Oh, and the shirt tucking too. Good for you though, you have one down on that list at least.
    Sounds like a great weekend, and I think Irene is amazing and VERY understanding.

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  10. I want to see pics! Oh yes, and you should not be thanking us for reading your blog, we should be thanking you for SHARING it with us! :)

    - Lisa
    http://inweighovermyhead.blogspot.com/

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  11. It is so encouraging to hear you talk about how your food desires have changed. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever feel noramally towards food-you give me hope :)

    Congrats on the play!!!! Altho-Irene is a stronger lady than I...I couldn't watch my hubby mackin' it up on some other heifer!! Just saying ;)

    Good luck at the dress rehearsal :)

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  12. I am trying to get my BF to shake the "gotta get my money's worth" at the buffet attitude. He doesn't have a weight problem, but overeats at buffets.

    I explained to him that there are times when we go to expensive restaurants and one entree is the cost of two buffets and he is happy with the one plate of food. He is working on changing his thinking but it is an uphill battle.

    I have two plates now when I go to a buffet. A cold plate and a hot plate. For dessert I will have one scoop of ice cream with chocolate sauce and that is my big buffet adventure.

    Your play sound like fun. I will have to read some of your older posts to get the full story.

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