Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Day 401 Struggling Here and The Imaginary Heist of "The Calorie Bank and Trust"

Day 401

Struggling Here and The Imaginary Heist of “The Calorie Bank And Trust”

For some strange reason, I’ve struggled today, and I don’t really understand why. There are many valid reasons why I could be feeling “off.” I’ve had to fight crazy urges all day---and I haven’t really had to do that in well over 100 days. I guess every now and then it just happens. Emotions and stress combine to create feelings that can, and I stress CAN make you want to throw it all away. Not care anymore, whatever. I’ve been here before, and when I say “before,” I’m talking about past attempts prior to and even during the last 401 days. These kinds of feelings have derailed me in the distant past. They will not get me now.

I understand my emotions better now than ever before. I’m in tune with my feelings, desires, goals, and dreams. But still, I struggle sometimes. This might surprise you, especially if you’ve just started reading this blog and haven’t read through the archives just yet. It’s a bunch to read, I understand. But I do struggle from time to time. Do not interpret this “struggling” tone as whining. I have absolutely nothing to whine about. I’ve lost nearly 225 pounds in 401 days, there’s nothing to be down about. My struggles are anchored in my dreams and desires for the future and how those choices will affect my family and life. We’re going through some very personal family issues right now, some you know about, and some you don’t. The potential changes directly ahead for us will dramatically change our daily lives. How we handle the changes will determine if they become positives or negatives. Every choice has a consequence good or bad, right? I’m being too vague, I apologize. Perhaps we should change the subject.

Did you see the blogspot weight loss blogger on Good Morning America today? A friend of mine e-mailed me the story. The blogger on the show started her blog in September and has already lost 17 pounds, with plans to lose 100 pounds in one year. It’s very cool she landed on GMA so early on her journey. She handled it very well. Tell me I'm normal to feel a tad bit of envy, considering the success I've enjoyed and my desire to make the rest of my life all about helping people break free of obesity. Maybe the green monster of envy is responsible for my slump today, you think? I need to grow up! She could read this---and how would that look? Uh, I mean, as I was saying...I wish her well and if she ever needs any advice or support, I'm ready to offer what I've discovered along this road.

My Corvette experience was postponed when I realized that I scheduled it at the same time as I had planned to take my daughter for her drivers license driving test. Janet was very cool about the change of plans, and extended the offer anytime in the near future. It will be soon, because in not long the top will go on for the winter. I’m sure driving a Vette is fun with a hard top, but I like the convertible option for my first time, coming soon! Fitting into a car like that will be so amazing for me. I also plan on climbing into a small Cessna aircraft soon! Another friend of mine has a plane and they’ve agreed to take me up someday soon. They recently told me that I could fit into that tiny cockpit now, but we’ll wait a little while for that one. I’m still scared of heights ya know!

Courtney passed her driving test with flying colors. The examiner told her “good driving girl” when they returned to the testing center, and I’m taking some credit to share with Amber and Irene. We’ve all taught her how to drive over the last year. Courtney has had the luxury of watching her sister before her and learning by observing. It helps that Courtney is an excellent listener and really understands even the most complex ideas and procedures. She once said that she wanted to be a surgeon someday, she certainly could be, or anything else she wants to be. We’re blessed that both of our daughters really understand the power to choose their own path. How have we been so lucky? So very blessed.

Once again, we didn’t get into the YMCA today. Getting back in that groove is proving to be a real challenge indeed. I’m not worried at all, but man---what in the world? I stopped at the trail tonight on my way to the studio to write this blog and I only walked one lap. Less than a mile, that’s right, I just wasn’t feeling emotionally open to the walk tonight. Very strange, very strange indeed. I told you, I’ve struggled today. Struggled hard. I’m just an emotional wreck tonight. I could have used the endorphins a brisk 5K would have provided; I should go back and do it.

But honestly, I’ll probably just go home and go to bed before I break down and rob my “Calorie Bank and Trust.” Could you imagine? “Give me the calories, NOW! I want ‘em all in the bag…Move! Make ‘em tasty too, don’t sneak any healthy junk in there, I’m watching you! Now, nobody moves a muscle---Hey, does anyone have a spoon? I mean, alright…I’m going to walk out that door and we’re going to pretend this didn’t happen just now, do we all understand? What is this? A Dye pack on top of the ice cream? **BLAMMO!**”

Not going to happen, the Calorie Bank and Trust security system is pretty elaborate and best of all, it’s hard wired directly through my conscious, emotions, and dreams of a future completely free of obesity. Goodnight and…

Good Choices,
Sean

13 comments:

  1. You are perfectly normal in all respects--envy and feeling stressed and finding it hard today. You've been through a lot lately and with the stress let down of being finished with the play and life sort of returning to normal (except with all that's happening with JoElle)--it would be exceptional if you didn't find it hard all of a sudden. I think I will end this by email everyone at GMA, Fox News, etc. and telling them about you. Blessings my friend--Bonnie

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  2. Well, you've been off stride and kind of 'off' plan for a while now. I have seen alot of posts with the words "It is just for today"...or "Today was unusual"...or "I didn't eat the best, but it was just one brownie'.
    Sometimes, if we go long enough we can start to believe that we can get by with some of the old habits without damaging our progress. maybe not upfront, but subconciously your mind could be rebelling against a return to a stricter mindset.
    Hope it gets better for you tomorrow.
    chris

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  3. Uh. I saw it (and wish I hadn't) and was most offended by the wonder and amazement over blogging about weight loss! I mean how many weight loss bloggers are there?? How long has Dawn been blogging (Fixing Myself Thiner)? She has been going slow and steady for long enough to lose 170... and then there are all of the recent additions like you, and some others... I just am pissed that someone who just started is being spotlighted. It has been done! I feel slightly guilty about saying it, and it is not about HER- it is about the lack of this being really recognized earlier.

    Anyway. I relate to the struggles (more than I relate to breezing through all of it), and I am glad you wrote about it! I know that it is never "easy" but it is something that everyone needs to be aware of- constant vigilance!

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  4. Having bad days is part of being a human, you have had a lot of stress lately (good and bad) and as you say, more changes ahead can be unsettling. I hope everything works out well for you, I have a feeling your wonderful strong family will survive.

    I must admit to feeling a bit miffed about the blog article too - I resented the implication that it is because of Hollywood giving us the idea. Hello, I think WE gave Hollywood the idea actually. Darn cheek! Still, I hope the blogger does really well as it has helped so many of us.

    Well done to Courtney on passing her test - woo-hoo!

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  5. The great and mighty weight loss warrior is human? What?!!

    Seriously Sean most of us struggle at one time or another and for me, as I've been struggling horribly for a few days, this post is almost more poignant to me than many of the others you've written that would be considered more inspiring.

    I really enjoyed the robbery analogy and can't wait to hear about how you stopped that bank robber cold.

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  6. Sean,
    You may have answered this question before but has your weight loss had any negative effects on your marriage?

    Jodi

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  7. If you were a woman I'd say you wre going through Superwoman Syndrome - maybe for you its Superman Syndrome - where you do everything all the time and you work so hard and you see results and one day, you wake up and you're just tired. You don't want to be Superman TODAY, or THIS SECOND - but eventually you do again - because its just who you are.

    Hugs.

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  8. Just like with genes, some people get lucky breaks along the way. Look at Jennifer at Ex Hot Girl. Her blog got a mention in Google's Blogs of Note and she went from 80 followers to 1500 in a week! That's winning the lottery, my friend. Just lik the weight loss, you're building this thing the right way. When you do hit it big, you'll know it was because you earned it.

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  9. Sorry to hear you are struggling! I hate to say it but it almost makes you seem human ;) You inspire me every day.

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  10. Hi Sean. I'm sure the girl who got on GMA was only there due to some connection with someone who works on the programme or some such. Luckily your weight loss achievements are giving you so much joy I really don't think having any more fame could make it any better for you.

    About you struggling today - do you think it could have had anything to do with a) not eating enough the day before and b) burning a huge amount of calories with all the stress and all the driving?

    Make sure you take the best care of yourself during these very difficult times.

    Best wishes to all of you,
    Bearfriend xx

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  11. Thanks for blogging even about the not so good times. It shows us all sides of what you are doing.
    Hope tomorrow is a much happier day for you :D

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  12. You're human, so a little envy once in a while is perfectly normal. Just remember something though babe...you didn't start this blog for fame...you did it to understand the things that led you to obesity in the first place...you've been working those things out along the way, and the success of that has showed on the scale every weigh-in. Sounds like you've still got some stuff going on...which, again..just makes you human. You're going to get it worked out, good or bad, and you'll deal with it accordingly when it gets here. Remember that no matter what happens in your life, we are all here to support you, we believe in you, and we'll all get through the crappy stuff together. No matter how tough things get, just know that you're never alone. :)

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  13. Whoa...you mean you are human>?? I was beginning to wonder. You jsut spent weeks upon weeks invested in the play...your schedule has opened up...it is probably post play blues...similiar to post-race blues...it is a fascinating phenomenon...as for JoEllen, I am praying for her...for lots of things but mostly courage to face the things she has to face and the decisions she has to make!

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