Saturday, August 13, 2016

August 13th, 2016 Heard Not Seen

August 13th, 2016 Heard Not Seen

I didn't want to be seen. One of the major benefits of my radio career at over 500 pounds was the fact that I could be on the radio, heard not seen. I was always a different person on the air opposed to the person out in public, because out there--I had to deal with the constant negative dialogue playing between my ears--a dialogue of stories created, all of them dependent on assumptions about what others thought of this 500 pound man in front of them--and oh, how those thoughts were brutal...plain mean...and created by me...and that's an important point, because I couldn't be certain what others thought of me--they certainly weren't obsessed with my morbid obesity as much as me, and very likely, it wasn't about them and these assumptions about their cruelty--it was deeper--all the way to how I felt about myself. However negative I imagined others must feel about me was in reality, a reflection of how I felt about me. 

I was hiding behind the microphone, tucked away in a studio somewhere-- and on the other end, coming out of the speakers, listeners heard Sean on the air--never knowing what I looked like, only creating an image to match the voice--and that image is created automatically, without even trying. It's normal. We all do it when we can't see who we're hearing.

I tried to avoid leaving the studio as much as I could--but occasionally, there was no getting out of it, I had to go out and do a broadcast on location somewhere--and then it would happen, time and time again. "You don't look anything like I imagined!' If only I had a dollar for every time I heard those exact words!

I wish I knew then what I know now. My self-worth and identity should have never been tied to my size and weight. I was funny, talented, smart and a person of extraordinary value at 500 pounds, just as much as I am today. But I couldn't see it back then. My vision was clouded by the constant negative dialogue.

I no longer hide in a studio. I get out there and give my location broadcasts everything I can, and I do it unencumbered by obsessive negative self-talk. It would be easy to assume it's simply because of the physical transformation. It isn't. The confidence certainly comes from the physical in a certain measure--but the biggest part of it comes from finally being okay with me. And not just "okay with me" because I'm at a healthy body weight. I'm "okay with me" because I'm me. I'm the same me I was at 500 pounds, only with a different body and a completely different set of projections. I like me, a lot, it turns out. The me then, the me now--we're cool with one another for the same reasons.

This is a KPNC Facebook LIVE video we did for today's grocery store location broadcast. I'm sharing it here to give you a glimpse of what I do for a living, every day. And for me--I'm no longer hiding as much as possible in the station broadcast truck. I'm out there being me in every way.

Noah is staying with me tonight. Tomorrow we're going to see mom in Stillwater. I took Noah out this evening to a big community pep rally at the high school, we visited the toy department at a local bookstore and we had fun together at the grocery store. We had a blast! I'm very fortunate in having a good friend who helps me with him every time he stays.

Today was a really good day. I did good work. I enjoyed some quality Noah time. I maintained the integrity of my maintenance calorie budget. I remained abstinent from refined sugar. I exceeded my daily water goal. I stayed connected with excellent support and I made time for a great workout.

Continuous Accountability Live-Tweet Stream:




































Thank you for reading and your continued support,
Strength,
Sean

3 comments:

  1. Same you, different dynamic though. My thought processes are 180 different from the morbidly obese me. You, different than before.

    Onward. Better than before.

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  2. No one is as hard on us as we are on ourselves. But it's hard to get away from that self-loathing when you see that morbidly obese person every time you look in a mirror. You've done a great job Sean. I'm still working on it. My self-worth seems to be all caught up in my appearance, and I know I'm so much more than that.

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  3. Just a little something amusing - I first "met" you through your blog. I don't recall anymore how I came across your blog, but I've been reading for a good while now. Then one day you must have posted a link to a broadcast you did and that was the first time I heard your voice, and I learned that we create expectations of how someone will sound based on how they look! You sounded much different than I expected! LOL! Not good or bad, just different. This is also a great lesson for me, in that my mind makes assumptions about people, places, things - heck, EVERYTHING - and I don't even realize it! It's important for me to recognize when I make assumptions. In this little story, it didn't really matter, but in some life situations, my assumptions can cause some real problems. Thanks for writing Sean!

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