I've often wondered what it would take to shake me away from the groove I've found. A sustainable plan, for me, means something I can do for the rest of my life, come what may. And there will be times of extreme emotion and stress--and how will I handle the fundamental elements of my plan in the most trying of times?
These very scary complications mom has endured brought me face to face with emotions on a level I haven't felt since we lost my little brother in 2001.
Everything looked good last night. The plan was to wean her off the ventilator this morning and she would be on her way to recovery. With the optimistic projection, I felt confident in committing to a full work day--and given our temporarily short-staffed situation at the studio, it made sense.
I stayed in close contact with her ICU nurse all day, today. Shortly after eleven am, I called--and was told mom failed the ventilator removal. "Failed?? What does that mean?" I was told it meant, when they removed the ventilator, she stopped breathing completely. They immediately put it back in-got her stable again, then planned for another try later this afternoon.
My mind wouldn't stop replaying vivid memories of fifteen years ago, when mom and I stood outside Shane's room in this very same ICU, and watched my little brother take his last breath after they turned off the ventilator keeping him alive. Lord, please help her breathe.
Aside from faith, the only other things that kept me calm enough to stay put and trust things would be okay, was the reassurance from her nurse--that this sometimes happens and they'll try again this afternoon...and if it doesn't work again, they'll try again tomorrow. He spoke calmly and confidently--and assured me her vitals looked good. I also spoke with a support friend who's a nurse in a hospital--and she played an even bigger role in calming me down and giving me proper perspective. But still...
I kept remembering my brother Shane and that ventilator. It was as if I stumbled on an emotional/psychological trigger and it was spinning me something frantic.
So, what about my plan?? And those elements I hold dear each day?
I actually had the thought--I don't feel, given the circumstances, like I can photograph each thing and tweet or log or any of that stuff--maybe not even write this blog... maybe I better take a break. What??? Yes. Those thoughts occurred.
But then I thought about it a little more.
Why would I stop taking extraordinary care of myself in this or any situation? Would sacrificing my best self-care help mom?? How would NOT doing what I do in taking exceptional care, help me through this?
Then, I thought about it a little more.
Why do I do this??? Is it a show? Because if it's a show--then yes, shut it down, show's over.
But this isn't a show.
And this plan and perspective for sustainable weight loss isn't just for times when everything is smooth sailing.
Not at all.
This is a very real plan of personal recovery with a high profile of accountability measures--and ones that serve one purpose: Support my continued stability via the accountability dynamic it creates and the support it attracts. I don't do what I do for show. I do it, first--for me and my continued recovery--and secondly, I do it publicly in hopes it might help someone else. I've been told it has helped some--and that feels like I'm giving back, and I like the way that feels.
So--if it's not a show--and it is a major part of my continued plan of abstinence and food sobriety--then there's no way I stop doing what I do, come what may. Miraculously, what came this afternoon turned out to be an answer to many prayers of many people.
I had just shared my thoughts and emotions about the situation--and the emotional/psychological connection to my little brother's tragedy, with an amazing support friend. Minutes later, I was on the phone with mom's nurse in the ICU...
"How did she do?" With the same level-headed delivery of the earlier call, he gave me the news: "She's off the ventilator and breathing on her own. She's doing really well, actually."
An instant wave of relief rushed through me. She's going to be fine. Mom is strong!
As I drove North on I-35 this afternoon, headed toward a location broadcast--my phone rang. It was Aunt Connie, with mom--and mom wanted to talk. I welled up with tears. Overwhelmed with gratitude, overjoyed to be hearing the most pleasant voice in my entire world--simply beautiful.
I love my mom. I'm a lucky son to have her in my life. She's resting well and her vitals are super strong. She'll likely be downgraded to a regular room tomorrow before being released in a couple days.
Sincerely--all the messages, the text messages--the IM's, the comments on facebook and the blog, the calls--thank you, thank you.
Today: I maintained the integrity of my maintenance calorie budget. I remained abstinent from refined sugar. I reached my daily water goal and I remained in close contact with excellent support connections.
Continuous Accountability Live-Tweet Stream:
2 cups water-20 push-ups & 20 squats. Fast #morningdeal ✔️done. Late. Grabbing coffee. pic.twitter.com/05qRL2ReWG— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) September 2, 2016
3 tbsp half & half in this- another with same sometime in next couple hours. 120 cal. pic.twitter.com/JZEjt2KA2L— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) September 2, 2016
Breakfast in MyFitnessPal. Not shown: 112g red seedless grapes. pic.twitter.com/zQEFV91d7l— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) September 2, 2016
3 whl eggs, 2 provolone, 2oz mshrms, 21g red peppr&67g avocado on 60 Joseph's pita. 5.5oz apple&112g grapes. 669 cal pic.twitter.com/WRLUamx0yX— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) September 2, 2016
Lunch in MFP... pic.twitter.com/OvfOhpxdaL— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) September 2, 2016
48g (3 tbsp) natural peanut butter & 18g refined sugar-free strwbrry all-fruit on sesame seeded Ezekiel. 510 cal. pic.twitter.com/sz3xQzSaix— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) September 2, 2016
Cup of dark roast with lunch. 2 tbsp half & half. 40 cal. pic.twitter.com/cT5jpkAvOn— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) September 2, 2016
2 tbsp half & half in this "finally home-must relax" cup of winding down coffee. 40 cal. pic.twitter.com/Y73FpUbOlc— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) September 3, 2016
Dinner in MyFitnessPal... pic.twitter.com/x4T4gztVWd— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) September 3, 2016
Fajita Beef&Sour Cream Tacos loaded w/8oz beef, 3 tbsp sour cream, lettuce and salsa. No cheese-more meat! 614 cal. pic.twitter.com/sOmATU0aRT— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) September 3, 2016
2 cup water refill equals #watergoal 88g red seedless grapes #lastfoodofday 58 cal. pic.twitter.com/gEPFAjijgz— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) September 3, 2016
Thank you for reading and your continued support,