Monday, September 5, 2016

September 5th, 2016 Here Not There

September 5th, 2016 Here Not There

When I called the hospital this morning, they informed me of their plan to discharge mom. My Uncle Keith (mom's brother), met me at the hospital and we waited for everything to be ready for her discharge. Mom is understandably weak and that means she's a fall risk. We're being very careful with her. She's on oxygen now, too, at least for awhile. She's hoping it'll be a temporary need. I hope so, too. The oxygen delivery service showed up to give us a crash course on home oxygen usage.

The afternoon went by very quickly. I grabbed a banana late afternoon. By the time the home health specialist left a little after 6pm, I was really hungry. The plan was to get mom home and then go pick up lunch for the two of us. When I realized how late it had become--and how hungry I was getting, I prepared mom something of a holdover, then decided to make a fast trip to Chipotle--eat something, then grab mom's meal and bring it back, before departing to grab other supplies she needed. My plan to prepare a dinner here, tonight--was quickly changed. Part of taking care of me is making sure I have what I need, where I need and when I need. I didn't necessarily do that very well today. But I managed to get the nutrition I needed. I came in 116 calories under budget--and you know what? That's okay with me. 

Mom is relieved to be home from the hospital and I'm extremely happy she's here and not there.

I'm grateful for many things. One of them, is that I'm here and not there. Here, being where I find myself today, maintaining a balance of food sobriety; abstinence--not just from refined sugar, also from compulsive over-eating--and in turn, that enables me to maintain a healthy weight. It's really less about the weight maintenance and more about maintaining the integrity of my recovery--and giving it that sacred level of importance. If I take care in these ways, the weight truly handles itself.  

I no longer feel the anxiety I felt after my initial weight loss, as I tried to figure out how to maintain after letting go of the rails that had brought me so far. I turned my back on those rails because I was convinced that's what I needed to do in order to be "normal." 

What a beautiful revelation to discover, acknowledge, claim and embrace my normal.

This is my normal--come what may, each and every day. If I ever decide life would be enhanced by letting go of my normal, then I'll surely lose myself again. And believe me, going "there" enhances nothing.

Today: I maintained the integrity of my maintenance calorie budget (meaning I didn't exceed--although I came in 116 short), I remained abstinent from refined sugar, I stayed in contact with good support and I met my water goal. I planned on walking around mom's neighborhood tonight, but that'll need to wait for another time.

I'm staying the night at mom's tonight and heading back super early for work.
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