Saturday, January 3, 2009

Day 110 A Success And A Failure At The Same Time

Day 110

A Success And A Failure At The Same Time

Where do I begin? I've been dreading tonights blog all day. I was so confident that I could lay the smokes down and walk away. My plan was to use the same iron will that I use counting calories, the same strategies in weight loss that have brought me so far in such a short time. But I struck out early. I'm extremely disappointed in myself. All my talk about it “just being a decision” is true, but obviously I was full of an over inflated sense of control. I feel pathetic. I just don't understand how I can turn around a lifetime of bad food and exercise choices, but I can't make it a day without those nasty things. My apologies to my family and friends that believed I could do it today. Don't give up on me yet! I may need to break down and admit that my smoking habit needs professional help. I hate doing that. I know so many people that just quit, without any aids whatsoever. People who had smoked a lot longer than me, they summoned the strength to just lay them down and walk away. I'm a strong person. And where my weight is concerned, I'm all over it. But these cancer sticks are getting the best of me. Maybe I was a little bold in my plan to drop them right now. Irene suggested I take another crack at it Monday. I hate saying “I'll start on Monday”, wow...How many times have I said that before. I'll tell you this: When (not if) I defeat cigarettes, it will no doubt be the biggest personal health triumph of my life. Quitting smoking makes this losing weight thing look like childs play. I may go to the doctor tomorrow and ask for some advice and maybe a prescription of some kind. I was planning on a Saturday visit to the AMC Clinic anyway over another issue. Maybe I'll just combine the visit, that way I only have to be out one co-pay!

The other issue is very strange. Yesterday I woke up with a swollen upper lip and face. I think I may have accidentally had my Sleep Apnea C-Pap mask too tight against the muscles below the nose. All day yesterday my family joked about how I resembled a “Who”, you know from the Grinch story. Well, this morning the swelling was even worse. I really looked like a “who”, and when they'd joke, I'd laugh, and that made it hurt even worse. I look like a “who” really bad. But as of this writing, it's gone down some, so we'll see. If not a “who”, I at least look like a pummeled boxer or someone who just had dental surgery. It's annoying, but mostly funny.

Despite my complete meltdown on the smoking challenge, I've done fantastic today on my calories and exercise! I trucked through two miles tonight on the trail, it wasn't the 5K effort of last night, but still a really nice brisk workout. I'll definitely be way down into the “4teens” come weigh day. It would be extra nice to lose enough to skip the teens all together, but that would mean a 14 pound loss, and that might be too much to expect. The great thing is how I feel and the fact that I'm quickly approaching the 100 pounds lost mark. I think I may be one of those people who, after losing weight, no longer need the aid of a C-Pap machine at night. You certainly don't have to be fat to have sleep apnea, there are other causes besides obesity. But, I think mine are 100% related to being overweight. I've tested myself the last couple of days. With the swollen face, I decided to sleep without the mask. First of all, this would have been impossible at 505 pounds. Secondly, I can breath so much easier now that I really feel like I could go without it. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not throwing it out just yet, but my little test was successful. I didn't wake up with an oxygen deprivation headache and when I had Courtney check on me while I slept without the machine, she reported absolutely zero snoring. She said I was breathing normally! I've become so dependent on the constant air flow the machine provides, it really feels weird without it, but it feels great to know that eventually I may not need the thing. Ultimately I'll let a doctor decide that, but this little test run without it was a really good sign.

The kids opted to spend their time in Tulsa at the mall, while Irene and I visited the little Mexican Feasting Village known as Casa Bonita. We had to meet a business associate of mine for a lunch meeting. I ordered the two taco plate with beans and rice. Irene and John ordered the “Deluxe Dinner”. With Irene's schedule, she normally only eats once a day, so I could understand why she ordered the Deluxe Dinner. But neither one of them over did it. Irene didn't finish her first plate, and then raised the flag for another enchilada, then left half of it on the plate. And the fresh fried sopapias? They were left untouched on the table. Not even a bite my friend! Yesterdays blog was in part titled “Revisiting The Gorging Grounds of T-Town” in reference to the many visits I've made in the past to Casa Bonita. I've never left feeling as good as I did today. I had two tacos, about 150 calories worth of beans, a few bites of the rice, and about 14 small chips with less than an ounce of cheese dip. All together I used 700 calories at that place. And it would have been just under five hundred had I left the chips and cheese alone! But, I had the calories coming, so it was all good. Since my average visit to that place probably checked in at over 3000 calories in the past, I was thrilled to handle it so well today. I wish I handled everything so well!

What did today teach me? Well, once again I've proven that I'm not perfect, but I already knew that. I honestly felt that I could do the no smoking thing today. I really did, but I'm quickly realizing the magnitude of my addiction. I need some serious help! It drives me absolutely nuts to be going in the right direction with losing weight, but at the same time putting that nasty crap in my lungs. It doesn't make sense. But again, I have to remember these are two very different addictions. Nicotine is a very powerful drug. And perhaps it's time I give it the respect it deserves and visit with a doctor about kicking it. All day long I've dreaded writing this blog tonight. There you have it. This is what this blog is all about. If I so proudly write about my successes, I have to write about my failures too. I will overcome it, I will never, never, never, never quit trying to quit nicotine. I guess I need some medical help with this one. Admitting that is a big step for me. I've learned all about the power of “good choices” the last 110 days. The power of a decision, an “iron clad” promise to myself. I really thought I could just apply all that to smoking, I know many people have, I just don't understand why it's so hard for me. Thank you for reading my blog and in doing so, giving me your support. Until tomorrow, good night and...

Good Choices,

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