Monday, January 5, 2009

Day 113 Hopes and Dreams and Can You Feel What I'm Saying?

Day 113

Hopes and Dreams and Can You Feel What I’m Saying?

I know I’ve talked about the effects of music on my workout before, but I have to tell you, with the music pumping in my ear tonight I turned it up a notch at the YMCA. Irene had to go to work early, so Courtney and I hit the Y with our favorite tunes and a goal in mind: Cardio workout deluxe! Sometimes I feel like I could do anything in that workout. It’s that empowering. It really gets me fired up and feeling great. After fitting into my “little” jeans yesterday I put ‘em on today for work. It feels really incredible to wear these again. The fruits of my labor taste so sweet! Weigh Day this period is Wednesday. Tomorrow is Amber’s last day at home for this break and we’re going to try to spend as much time as possible with her tomorrow afternoon before she gets back to school. So since the last weigh day also fell on a Wednesday, it really doesn’t bother me much to do this one on a Wednesday too.

My swollen face is almost completely back to normal. That’s a relief. I had terrifying thoughts of it freezing like that. The “Who” references were getting old already. I was thinking about this journey today and I have to say, it’s been even better than I imagined. I really was dreading the first 115 pounds because that’s what I lost back in 2004 before gaining it all back. But this blog has made the weight loss so far an absolute pleasure. Other than mentioning 2004 about a gazillion times in the last 113 days in these writings, I really don’t look back at that failed attempt. It’s certainly not on my mind in a negative way at all. I will be extremely elated to push past the 115 point! Ok, I guess I better not get too far ahead of myself just yet, I need to hit 100 first.

As the days go by and the weight comes off I realize that my hopes and expectations aren’t all at the end of this journey. It’s happening everyday. It started a while back. When I first clicked my seatbelt, when I could drive Irene’s car without feeling like I was stuck, when I put on those jeans yesterday. These are the results I’ve been dreaming of, and they’re happening already.
As more weight comes off and I get in shape, more of these amazing happenings will take place. It’s like Christmas all the time. The biggest gift I’ve discovered so far was how well I slept without my C-Pap machine the other night. That’s huge. As I go through all of these wonderful experiences I have to ask myself: What was I waiting for all these years? The feelings I’m experiencing are far greater satisfaction than I’ve ever had from a giant bowl of ice cream. There’s not a fried mushroom in the world (not even Hideaway mushrooms) that can simulate what I feel. I really wish I could find a way to convey these feelings to others who are struggling with morbid obesity. But when I think of that I recall my own struggle. I use to lay in bed at night thinking about my weight, scaring myself about the dangers and dreaming about the benefits of losing. I wanted it then didn’t I? I think I did. I’m a grown man, but when it comes to contemplating my own mortality, I can be reduced to tears in a few seconds. I was scared for so long. I’m not scared anymore. That’s really big for me. I don’t waste time worrying about my weight killing me, I spend that time day dreaming about all of the changes coming my way. I just want to live, you know? I heard another obese comedian say this on stage once: “My doctor told me that if I don’t lose weight I’ll die, and that’s just not enough motivation for me.” I can totally relate to that. It’s a very twisted psychological dilemma. All of those years I spent worrying for my life and wondering what my family would do without me all the while eating whatever, whenever, and howmuchever I wanted. It was a vicious cycle. I’d lay in bed some nights and worry myself sick, then get up the next morning and eat biscuits and sausage gravy with a big 32 ounce Coke Classic. I was out of control completely. I guess that’s why I get so upset with myself when I have to battle hard cravings. I’ve seen the other side now; I’ve had a taste of this sweet success, and nothing in this world taste better. But the question: How do you convey these feelings to other people. How do you convince someone that if they just stick to it long enough to taste these wonderful feelings, it’ll change and actually prolong his or her life? This has been on my mind because a friend of mine, concerned about her husband, said, “I sure wish you would talk to him about this stuff.” My friend is a wife of an obese man with untreated sleep apnea. She’s worried sick about her husband, but doesn’t know what it’s going to take to get him to do something about it before it’s too late. I’m going to call him tomorrow and have a talk. If I can relate my positive experiences in a way that could move him, it might be a wonderful thing. I hope so.

Today was great. Great calorie control, great workout, great feelings. Day 113 is in the books. Good night and…

Good Choices,
Sean

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