Sunday, June 21, 2015

June 21st, 2015 I'm Fearful

June 21st, 2015 I'm Fearful

I'm a little embarrassed, actually, about how I handled the whole anonymous comment thing yesterday. My sensitivity level is much less these days, it really is.

Still, as I discovered yesterday, I'm very human and can get super sensitive really fast, especially if it's over something I care a great deal about. If there's an element of truth in it and I feel lacking in that particular area, yes--I'm quick to get defensive and overreact. 

The element of truth from yesterday's post wasn't the "thin and perfect" part. I'm not that! The element of truth was the fact that I've had several posts lately where I got behind and didn't communicate/interact in the comments section.

Keeping a line of communication open and interacting--answering questions and simply saying thank you, IS VERY important to me. I've dropped the ball in that department of late. And I'll do better.

In the comments section of yesterday's post, I learned that the anonymous poster, whom I assumed was a passer-by, unfamiliar with what I'm about---turned out to be a long time reader and supporter, invested enough to pray for me during my disappearance from these pages a few years ago.

The comment I made a big deal out of wasn't meant in a mean spirited way. It was tongue in cheek, playful--instead I chose to take it pointed, hurtful and literal. Then, after allowing myself to get all up in a tizzy--I took it to the blog and made an even bigger deal about it. I made a mistake.

You know, sometimes it's too easy to take ourselves a little too seriously. The hope is, to be able to recognize this before it turns into something worthy of apologizing for later.

It's all in the perspective we choose, right?

I still don't know who the anonymous reader was and that's okay. I accused them of being judgmental and assumptive--yet, that's exactly what I was doing to them. Interesting, huh?

It was an honest mistake. I hope they come back and visit. The most important part of this entire journey is straight ahead.
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So what's been bothering me lately? Honestly, I'm feeling very happy. But at the same time, vulnerable.

This increased feeling of vulnerability really started when I revealed the loose skin pictures. And it's strange, because I'm at a seemingly great place with that. I sat poolside last night with my shirt off in front of people--and cars driving by on the four lane just outside the pool. Truly, I've grown.

But still, it (sharing those photos) was a new level of letting go and being okay with me, all of me--and I'm finding it's something best done a little at a time...at least, for me. 

And in all honesty, I might come off as cool and collected--balanced and ready for maintenance mode--and I truly believe I'm better prepared than ever before---but still, I'm fearful.

I don't want to ever go back, but I know better than to ever expect that as a given...so I pay close attention to my emotions--I make sure I'm doing the things in my recovery that I must do in order to be successful--and still, even with the peace and calm it all brings, I'm fearful.

Maybe I need to re-frame this fearfulness into "reverence," "respect" and "sacred consideration."

I honestly feel like I'm there--seriously, my commitment to abstinence from sugar and my overall food sobriety is super strong. What do I fear?

And for me, maybe a small portion of fear is a good thing. I'm certainly in a better place mentally and emotionally than I was before, at this point.

Maybe the absence of fear was one of my biggest problems when I hit goal in November 2010. I was too busy declaring how much "I got this" and "I'm never going back," and yeah... Famous last words, huh? The recklessness of that train of thought has been seared into my brain.

I'm going to proceed carefully. I'm going to take the best care I can. I'm going to stay active and committed to these writings. I'm going to stay connected in recovery and support. And I'm going to do all of these things, as best I can. 

By God's grace and the tremendous power of support, accountability and a completely different perspective on what recovery means, for me, along this road... Maybe I'll be just fine, after all.

I hope and pray so.
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 photo With Amber fathers day_zpstmofv4ys.jpg
I had a wonderful Father's Day! Amber took me out for lunch. We enjoyed a bunch of laughs, great conversation and good food! And of course--some selfies! I spoke with Courtney via phone and she wished me a Happy Father's Day. Courtney and I will see one another tomorrow, instead of today. I'm very blessed and grateful to be the father for two of the most loving, beautiful and smart young ladies. I'm lucky beyond measure.

I enjoyed some great food today, exceeded my water goal by 32oz, exercised like a beast on the elliptical and stayed active in giving and receiving support. I maintained the integrity of my food plan and I made the time to give thanks for the tremendous blessings in my life. I would have to say, it's been a really good day.

My Tweets Today:


























Thank you for reading and your continued support,
Strength,
Sean

12 comments:

  1. It can be so hard to judge how someone means a comment when you can't hear their tone of voice or see their facial expression. I'm sure they'll forgive you for overreacting a little bit.

    I'm glad you had a lovely Father's Day.

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    1. Thank you, Natalie! I totally agree. Without tone, inflection and expression-- it enables us to attach whatever intent that would most bother us... Especially if it's something on our mind of late.

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  2. Natalie said just what I was about to write. So easy to misunderstand. I'm sure they will see your heart, and accept your gracious apology. Because they obviously care about you, to stick with you all this time. And feel they "know" you enough from your writings to even kid a little with you. I'm sure they will be back.

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    1. Retta, thank you. I agree. I hope so.

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  3. Hey bud, you interact more than anyone I know...you write daily..I'm lucky if I can get my blog posts out once a week. And even then it is just nuggets. The great thing is that we are living life...cut yourself some slack. I don't think everyone expects you to respond to every comment..you have freinds and family. This blog is to keep you on track. You are doing great.

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    1. Thank you, Christine. I really appreciate this.

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  4. Your human, you explained it, now move on.

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  5. Lots in this post.

    I don't think the initial comment that started all of this was posted just because you hadn't responded to comments. I think (and I certainly could be wrong!) that it was the combination of things that frightened the commenter for you. 1. You've stated that you're almost at goal weight. 2. Posted bout how well you're getting on with the whole cal count thing. 3. Haven't responded to comments, and 4. Have had several "Tweets telling the story" posts this month.

    Now. None I'm NOT saying that any of those things are wrong or dangerous or that they mean anything negative at all other than a ridiculous schedule that resists management. I'm just saying that that particular combination of recent posts might have set off a warning flag for your concerned follower who thought she'd address it in a humorous way that turned out to be a huge fail.

    Secondly. Sean. It's okay. I almost, and now wish I had, commented in response to your post and comments about your reaction. I got the comments in my email and just didn't take the time to log on (grandchildren, children...Father's Day) to say what I had in mind. I'll say it now, "Sean, you're a prince among men. Really. You went above and beyond to rectify the situation."

    Finally, the fear. Reframing is a good and needful thing, but denial is not. It is good to acknowledge your fear...and good to feel a measure of it.

    For instance, you want your grandson to be AFRAID of touching a hot stove. You don't want him cowering in a corner, eyes fixed on the stove, fearful that it's going to "get" him, but you do want him to have a sufficient "fear" of getting burned that will keep his little hands off of the stove.

    This fear you have is in that league. Reframe to keep yourself out of that corner. Reality says you have reason to beware of recklessness..a need to be cautious, while acknowledging that you're mature enough, skilled enough, to not only touch the stove, but to fully use it to benefit you.

    I hope that made sense. I don't want to write a post here. :}

    Like guilt, fear--in it's proper place and degree--are tools God uses to keep our feet from veering off path into the thorn bushes....or over the cliff.

    All in all--Well done.

    Deb

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    1. Deb, you have a wonderful ways with words. Excellent points on all of it, every single thing. And I LOVE the hot stove analogy!!
      Thank you very much for your wonderful--and very well thought out support. I appreciate it more than you know.

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  6. I'm a lurker (I have commented very occasionally, the last time was a looooong time ago), but this struck a nerve to the point that I need to comment again.
    A comment like that would have sent me into a tizzy! My whole childhood was spent being told not to brag, not to be proud of anything I'd accomplished because it was supposedly "unbecoming." I was put down over "feeling proud" over something even when I wasn't! So I really understand how that would have affected you. You are a very modest person, (I can tell as I have followed you for so long), hard working, and NICE!
    The comment definitely gave the impression that the person perceived you were feeling smug or proud. And that hurts, especially when "pride" is not even on your mind. But a comment like that causes people like us to react immediately, instinctively. So don't feel bad about your reaction. Take care, and I'll be reading! :-)

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    1. Grace, thank you very much for your longtime readership and support! You've identified it-- makes total sense what you described. Now that I have a better understanding of the original intent, I'm perfectly fine--but like you in a similar circumstance--I was immediately in a tizzy!! :)
      And like you've written here-- I was because I'm not like the comment suggested. I don't carry around an air anywhere remotely close to a "thin and perfect and I really don't need this anymore" attitude. That's not me. And it never will be.
      But in that, we find the shaded humor in the original comment--something I failed to recognize because I was too busy spinning at the mere suggestion... add to it, I've been inconsistent of late with my replies--and interactions...and yeah--super self conscious--and aware...
      I'm feeling much better now!
      Thank you again, Grace.

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