I was planning on posting an excerpt from Tuesday November 16th, 2010. That was the day I hit my goal of 230 pounds. I wanted to find and read a contrast in perception between then and now. Instead of posting an excerpt, I'll just report what I found back there in that archived post.
First of all, I had stopped doing daily blog updates well before hitting goal, in August 2010, as a matter of fact. I only posted five blog updates the entire month of November 2010. My commitment was waning, the importance level wasn't as high and it clearly showed. That "Goooaaaaal" blog page was written like a big finale celebration. I did it-- and let's take a trip back and remember blah, blah, blah...
Sure--the coolest part of it was the comments from my daughters, that was very special, but the rest of it was confetti, balloons and an overwhelming vibe of 'I did it and I'm done. I finally got here.'
I maintained for one and a half years after that day. I suppose the motivation and support--the writing of my book and all of that kept me somewhat occupied. The writing of the book also included weekly sessions with Life Coach Gerri--so likely her support kept me from wandering too far away.
When I started turning my back on it all--that's when the relapse and regain period started. It was a very scary process. Scary, because at times I seriously thought it might be impossible to recover. I felt I was that far gone. I was lonely, sad, angry, depressed, embarrassed and feeling hopeless for the change I once declared a choice. It didn't feel like a choice I was capable of making, ever again.
I would hide, isolating into a world where it was just me and the food. Aside from work and occasional family stuff, the only other personal interactions came with the unwitting drive through employees of my favorite binge stops. These friendly fast food workers thought they were simply handing me dinner...nah, they became my dealers.
I thank God for the people who stayed with me throughout the struggles, the prayers, the thoughts, the wishes and good vibes, it all helped.
Before this starts taking on an "I did it, I'm done" feel, let me just say this:
This doesn't end. There isn't a finish line. The time spent losing is very small compared to the amount of time making up the rest of the life I pray is ahead of me.
I weighed today:
Here we are, once again below what was my original goal. The relapse/regain weight is gone.
And although getting back below 230 wasn't the stated goal at the beginning of this turnaround--I can't keep it from being an unspoken goal of sorts. It felt incredibly awesome seeing 228.4 on that scale. But it doesn't define me. I'll never tether my self-worth and identity to a number, ever again.
My biggest goal isn't a number. The biggest goal for me is my continued recovery. My goal each day is to maintain the integrity of my food plan, including my abstinence from sugar. My goal includes actively giving and receiving support every day. My goal each day also includes keeping the accountability measures solid.
None of this is a given. If ever I decide to turn my back on the recovery practices bringing me this far--in other words, if I ever try to live someone else's normal, then it'll quickly fall apart, again.
So what will be different moving forward? More calories--maybe two or three hundred more a day, I haven't decided just yet...and that's okay. It'll take some experimenting to find a good balance. And I will challenge myself to try some new things in the exercise department.
I'm, of course, continuing the blog each night. The most important days, in my opinion--are ahead. The maintaining part--finding that groove, that's a very big deal and I look forward to exploring it in these daily pages.
I'll continue to weigh every three weeks. My accountability food, exercise and water tweets will continue as well. It's not going to look too much different than the last fourteen months. And that's the critical difference between then and now. It's love. It's acceptance. It's my normal. I embrace it.
My Tweets Today:
Good Wednesday morning! Dark roast coffee--& I make it strong!! One cup & you need to shave. SF hazelnut. 30cX2=60cal pic.twitter.com/yicMrTXRsi— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) June 24, 2015
Weigh-Day: 5.2 more pounds down. Now below original goal of 230. All relapse/regain weight is gone. 165lbs! #grateful pic.twitter.com/43dqXqzOAW— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) June 24, 2015
Avocado omelet w/3 egg whites-1 whole egg, 122g avocado, 6oz orange, Anjou pear (178g). 498 cal. pic.twitter.com/1A5apKrQmr— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) June 24, 2015
Pork&Beans Tostadas. FF/SF beans (130g), 1.5oz pork loin, swiss (2), green pepper, lght sr crm (15g), apple. 467 cal. pic.twitter.com/jnVIvMvUO5— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) June 24, 2015
Afternoon/coffee. Sugar free hazelnut creamer (1tblspn per cup). 1 now & 1 later. 30 cal each. 60 cal. pic.twitter.com/IJMxEIeufR— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) June 24, 2015
Steak (4oz) fajita tacos w/lght sr crm, zucchini & lettuce, avocado (88g), blue corn tortilla chips (28g). 590 cal. pic.twitter.com/es6rTh4oje— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) June 24, 2015
Thank you for reading and your continued support,