Monday, June 8, 2015

June 8th, 2015 Reflection Projection

June 8th, 2015 Reflection Projection

I sincerely appreciate the generous outpouring of support after last night's post. There was a time not too long ago, the idea of such a post was horrifying to me. The fact that I did it is proof positive to me, of some mighty big changes in the way I value and love myself, without judgement. A few wonderful people used words like "brave" and "courage," and I'm not so sure it necessarily took those things because I didn't have fear.

In the absence of fear, do we use those very big things?

I never shared like that before because of my enormous fear of rejection and judgement. After careful analysis of everything, I honestly believe sharing those pics sooner would have garnered the same positive response.

My past fear of rejection and judgement was an unfair projection onto you, the reader, and it was a direct reflection of the self-rejection and self-judgement I harbored. The thought being, if I feel this way about myself, then naturally you feel the same way about me. It wasn't true then and it isn't true now. And I thank you, very much.

The absence of fear wasn't so much me assuming a positive reaction, as it was a reflection of a more positive and supportive self-acceptance. I suppose I might have been projecting again, but this time in a positive and supportive way.

Isn't it incredible how harsh we can be on ourselves? It's self-induced oppression and it serves no positive purpose. It holds us back in so many ways. If anyone else had been treating me the way I treated me, I would have screamed "abuse!!!" And I would never, in a million years, treat another human the way I once treated me. Getting to the point of a profound shift in personal perspective takes time and effort, but's so worth the effort.

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This "lost before picture" was actually the last photograph of me right before embarking on this turnaround from relapse/regain. It was taken April 2014 at the Oklahoma Association of Broadcasters Awards Banquet. I was accepting an award for weather coverage. And I was completely surprised when told a picture was part of the deal. I really didn't want my picture taken.

Today was a busy one. This entire week will be busy. It's 101 Rodeo week and there's a full slate of events and happenings our radio station is a part of each year at rodeo time. I'm excited about being able to physically handle the challenges ahead, this week and beyond.

My Tweets Today:

Thank you for reading and your continued support,


  1. The main thing I notice with photos of you is that when you are bigger, you always look so unhappy, even when you are smiling. And when you are leaner, you look happier, even if you are pretending to be stern. The forced grin in this award ceremony photo makes me quite uncomfortable! You very much don't look like you want to be there, or at least don't want your photo taken. I say "bigger" vs "leaner" but the difference is probably between regaining and losing. You could be the same weight - on the way up and on the way back down - with all the difference in the world in your eyes.

    1. Oh Natalie--spot on analysis, my friend. You zeroed in on all of the things I felt in that moment.
      And you're right. It is a perspective not based on weight, rather, the direction of the momentum. "The difference is probably between regaining and losing." Very accurate. Thank you, Natalie!


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